sadjalygirl

Imagine, kat of euphoria feeling so bad about not loving ethan when he has everything a girl wants? But is so afraid of letting him go because duh? He didnt do anything wrong, its also an advantage having him around because what else is better than having someone head over heels about you, right?

But she carries the pain of suffering silently because she knew deep inside that there's actually nothing negative about him.. its just that she doesn't have feelings for him.

Instead of him being an advantage, it actually turns out being a burden. You just can't learn and force how to love someone. Period. You would if you can, but it isnt easy.

You know you shouldn't let them go because having them will give you leverage on so many things, but your feelings tells you otherwise. No matter how much time you take on making sense of it, you understand, you know all facts, your feelings just dont align.

Its the literal Me vs. Me

Planning to get it all back this 2026. I wanna remember the joy writing gives me, I realised I'm more focused when I end my day writing!

Sometimes, i look at myself in the mirror and all i can see is a stranger. this is no longer me. Im saying it in the most disgusting way.

not just physically, but emotionally and morally too.

i am once fierce and strong, you can't put me down easily without a fight, you rarely see me back down. I have a faccade of embodying Venus, a very strong independent woman. I always remember people asking me for help, advices, expecting me to know exactly what to do, say and feel. I am emotionally strong. I know I am. Or atleast i once was.

The girl i see in the mirror isn't. she doesn't know how to cry. she just feels heavy all the time which causes her overall aura to be very timid and dark, dumb and weak. she isn't crying, but she's always on the verge of breaking down, hanging by a very thin thread that's about to break in every single instance. she's fragile.

I once uphold high morals of always doing what is right and just. Im okay of being compromised as long as I'm doing what I thought is right. I'm a people pleaser, I always want to follow what's right in the crowd's vision. I'm afraid of tarnishing my good reputation to the extent that I shame those who doesn't share the same morals that I have.

The girl in the mirror is someone I promised myself i wouldn't become. She does all the things opposite to what my morals advocates.

I hate that instead of evolving to a better version of me, Im turning to be the worst.

Is this the price I have to pay for growing up and maturing too fast? Creating a version of me that craves the fun in immaturity and finds joy on defying rules i set for myself?

Why do I always have to feel like I'm falling short when I'm doing all I can to boost everyone's ego so they'll feel big.

2025 continues to make me realise that this isn't working. this isn't worthwile, we both know. I don't know why we're still keeping each other when we know how exactly this will end.

Maybe I craved other people's warm touch not because I thought I'm inlove, but maybe to learn that starting over isn't that bad.

Or maybe to just try and feed my curiosity?

Or maybe to simply feel what love might look like if I'll give it another try?

Or maybe to get revenge and see his reaction?

Or maybe to simply destroy due to jealousy because how could love hatch so perfectly on them but not on us?

Sometimes I wish I could go back and stop myself from doing it, so that my conscience will remain intact, so my guilt would stop haunting me. But he's always giving me a reason to think that it was what I needed most during that time and I should show no remorse of doing it because I learned anyway. I got even.