I'm an Asshole.

So, I haven’t been doing so hot this week. It always makes me feel better to write it out, so here’s what it’s like for me to be in one on my manic/depressive states. So here ya go internet. Because I know you’re DYING to read it. 

A Fish

I feel like I’m drowning. 

I blow bubbles out of my nose

The way my mother taught me 

When I spent summers 

Insisting I was in fact not a little girl, 

But a fish. 

But my fins seem to have 

Shrunk since then. 

My lungs gag 

At the taste of air

And my body pushes me down 

“A masochist 

In her own right.” 

It is hard

Falling out of love

With a boy 

You never got to kiss. 

His laugh used to make 

My body ache 

But now it sounds muffled. 

He laughs in a language 

I never learned. 

His hand cups my cheek 

But his palm feels like sunburn 

Like his body was built

To cause my discomfort. 

I don’t know where all my friends have gone. 

They’re busy making 

Sculptures with their bodies 

Or kissing boys they’ve fallen in love with 

On freshly washed sheets. 

We were all so good 

At being miserable together. 

One of them tells me 

With a goofy grin 

“You just don’t like being happy.” 

I wonder if she’s right. 

My rapist texted me last week, 

“About to hop on a train to see you. 

I know it’s impulsive. 

But it’s been too long. 

Should I do it?” 

I laugh alone in my crowded room 

Wondering when he decided 

It was suddenly so important 

To give me the opportunity 

To say no. 

My mother comes into the city

To take me for tea. 

She stirs her milk into her earl grey 

As if she’s looking for something

As if the leaves will teach her

How to talk to her daughter. 

“Are you acting this way to spite me?” 

I can’t help but think 

She looked prettier 

When I thought