Prose & Poetry For Raw Feelers & Expressive Minds

Caramel coffee on a sunny day and I don’t feel like death lately so that’s a win, I’d say,

And I don’t know if it’s the caffeine filtering through my blood stream or if it’s because my apartment is finally clean,

That I have a most rare instance of having energy.

It’s truly remarkable how I can drag my feet through the week, scoffing at any kind of adulting,

But somehow at the end of my weekend I have this burst of sunshine, this manic drive, this temporary high,

And I’m so annoyed that it’s Sunday, though I’ll embrace the enthusiasm that’s come my way,

I used to feel so pretty with you. You treated me well.

Help, how am I a full fledged adult but still feel like a dumb teen?

Help, how can I explain to kids these days I think they’re doomed?

Help, how do I explain to my parents I still don’t like to clean my room?

Help, I never want to wake up when I’m supposed to.

It’s hot.

And I came from arguably one of the hottest places in my country. Born and raised in West Texas. However, once you get acclimated to the New York climate, you’ll understand why people start collapsing on a humid 95 degree day.

Folks back home would laugh at me if they saw me now. Calling me a wuss. Yeah, yeah. The rest of the year is okay. Genial weather, even.

Something about late June to the end of July though…the northeast will cook you alive.

It’ll be hot today, but I hear rain is coming to give temporary relief.

I like to think that’s what crying is like. I cried yesterday. A lot. It doesn’t happen much, but when it does, I may as well be as good as the people back at home calling myself all sort of things.

Wuss.

Lame ass.

Emotional dumb shit.

How rude of me… to ostracize myself in my most vulnerable moments. Is this not why we cry alone? So we aren’t judged? So why am I doing it to myself?

That’s the real dumb shit.

But there was temporary relief.

A nice gesture, someone running errands for you, a nice view of all the boats from the mariners parking lot as you walk home.

I won’t cry today. The trauma lingers but the relief does, too.

Here’s a reminder… go ahead a relieve yourself.

By crying - don’t get weird.

Let it out. Express yourself. You’re not a wuss. You’re human. Be grateful for your healthy emotional capacity. Some people lack this.. I would know. It’s people like that who is causing all this strife in me!

What if we all lived with immense self value? Like if you really actually thought you were worth something? I yearn daily to be confident. I wish I was. I wish I wasn’t scared of my own shadow. I’m good at pretending I’m not. But deep down, I think I have the self esteem Carrie White had before she knew she could own everyone with telekinesis.

That’s my issue.

I’m searching for MY superpower.

Maybe when I find it… I’ll have confidence. For now. I’m still searching….

Unlike Carrie White, I don’t think I’ll be cool enough to find out I can move things with my thoughts.

Eggs scared me this morning.

All of a sudden I forgot how to cook them.

Eggs.

And then I had the strangest paranoia.

These eggs may be the death of me.

In fact, so may that lettuce. Real shit. Have you watched the news? Read the labels. Wash it.

The fridge is empty. Energy drinks, water…And the lettuce I shouldn’t eat.

The only safe thing is water.

What’s happening to me?

I think you know.

And I hate this part. This long part of starting over again. Talking myself into doing the one thing that keeps me alive.

But isn’t it enough to wait until you speak to me to see that I’m not just something to scrutinize on first glance?