Les Cocasseries

• become medusa

• dance naked around a fire in the woods w other ladies

• eat men

• let their eyes roll back in their head and speak in tongues

Everyone I Love Is Dead

The English Have Stolen All My Sheep

You Want To Be My Boyfriend? First You Must Answer These Riddles Three

The Protestants Have Stolen All My Sheep

I Love You A Lot But You’ve Left Me And It’s Raining [fiddle solo]

The Sea Is Treacherous, Just Like The English

One Time Bonnie Prince Charlie Punched Me In The Face And It Was Awesome

* Everyone I Love Is An Allegorical Representation of Ireland

* The English Stole My Farm And Put Sheep On It

* You Were My Boyfriend But Now You Won’t Even Come To The Window To Look Upon Me And Our Dead Infant Child (In The Rain)

* Whack Fol Too La Roo Umptytiddly Good They’ve Stopped Listening Now Let’s Talk About Revolution

genres include:

I Left Everyone I Love Back Home In The Holler To Be With This Guy Who Doesn’t Wear Shoes Or Have Teeth But He Plays A Mean Jug

The English Told Us Not To Move West Yet, We Ignored Them, My Entire Family Was Killed

You Were My Boyfriend But You Tied A Sack Of Rocks To My Petticoats And Threw Me In The Creek (And My Baby Too)

Mama Loves All 14 Of Us A Lot But She’s Weary Of Our Shit And Now She’s Dyin’ (Gather Round)

The McCleans Stole A Firewood Log From Our Pile So We Won’t Rest Until The Last Of Their Male Kin Is Laid In The Cold Ground

We Knew The River Would Rise But We Still Didn’t Fix The Levee 

The River Rose, The Levee Broke, Everyone Died, It Was Just As We Reckoned (dulcimer twang-a-lang) 

When The Rebels Come A-Marchin’ I’m A Southern Man And I Feed Their Horses My Best, When The Yankees Come A-Marchin’ I’m A Northern Man And I Feed Their Horses What The Rebels Left

I think someone needs to put in a word for the English folk tradition though:

I Met a Girl and We Went Hunting (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl and We Caught Some Birds (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl and We Found Her Lost Pet (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)

I Met a Girl By Staying At Her Parents’ House and She Made My Bed (It Was an Especially Thinly-Veiled Metaphor for Sex)

I Am a Girl and I Regret Engaging In Metaphors for Sex Because Now I’m Pregnant

I Met a Girl and Bribed Her Into Sex But She Stole My Horse and Ran Away With It

I Met a Girl At an Inn and We Had Non-Metaphorical Sex But She Stole My Stuff The Next Morning and Now I Have Syphilis

Your Fiance Died Either at Trafalgar or Waterloo, Let’s Get Married, I’m Glad You Said No Because I’m Really Him In Disguise

Lord Nelson Sure Was Awesome

The Press-Gang Dragged Off All the Important Men in My Life (And Now They Are Dead)

Farm Laborers Are The Salt of the Earth And Are Never Grindingly Poor

I Went Out Riding and Noticed Mongolia

We Fought a Bunch of Guys (On Horseback)

Witness My Many Ungulates

(While On a Horse) I Met a Hot Girl Who Reminded Me of a Plant

On Three, Say What That Terrain Feature Looks Like to You (One, Two, Three, A Horse)

Witness My Many Ancestors’ Many Ungulates

I Also Enjoy Heavy Metal, Especially If It’s Made of Horseshoes

Oooorrrrweeeeuuurrrreeeeuuuuwwwwwrrrrrrrr (Is Tuvan for “Horse”)

We Must Plant the Crops, Let’s Get Drunk! 

We Must Harvest the Crops, Let’s Get Drunk!

There’s No Crops Right Now, Let’s Get Drunk!

Sex On the Beach Is Awesome, War Is Bad

There Are Ghosts in the Trees

The Japanese Exploit Us (And the Americans Do Too)

I Love the Sea, This Island Is Beautiful, War Is Still Bad

Hey, There’s an Old Man, Let’s Get Drunk!

I Am A Brawny-Armed Lumberjack Who Loves a Town Girl, Oh No!

Oh Fuck, I Slept With a Fur Trapper, What Shall I Tell Maman?

Hauling Logs, Rolling Logs, Driving Logs, All Day, What Ho!

Like Hell You’re Marrying That Good for Nothing Bambocheur!

Fetch My Gold Ring That Fell Into the Sea!  Now!

I Met A Sailor While A-Strolling, And Now We Are In Love!

I Want to Kiss the Sailor I Met A-Strolling, But I’m Afraid My Father Will Find Out!

A Spider Has Bitten Me And If I Do Not Dance I Will Die, Alas

I Am A Very Fancy Man With A Very Fancy Hat

The Cable Car Is A Thinly-Veiled Metaphor For Your Feminine Torture, O Woman

Rome Is The Very Best Place And Every Other Place Is Just Awful

I Love You, But You Are Married

I Love You, But You Are Fickle (Why Did You Dance With The Baker’s Son, Thou Vixen?)

I Love You, But You Left Me All Alone On This Romantic Wind-Swept Hillside, Which Is Actually Very Pretty, But Not As Pretty As You, Foul Temptress

Rome Is Still The Best Place And Every Other Place Can Go Right To Hell

Seriously Once You Have Been To Rome You Will Just Be Sick At The Thought Of Being Anywhere Else, You Will Pine Away And Die

I Love You, But You Are Dead (Or Maybe You Just Went To Live In A Slightly Prettier Place)

Rome, Rome, O Rome, Ah Rome, Rome Rome Rome, Have I Mentioned That I Love Rome?

Venetian Special Genres:

Women Are Like The Ocean: Salty And Full Of Drowned Sailors

Women Are Like The Ocean: I Cannot Figure Them Out At All

I Saw You One Time At A Party And I Have Designs Upon Your Feminine Virtue

- That Incompetent Sailor Is Actually A Girl, But She Will Have Sex With You If You Don’t Kick Her Off The Boat

- Someone Of Any Occupation Is Doing Something, But Unfortunately They Are Now Dead

- Fuck You Spain (Haha, We Sunk Your Boat And Stole Your Silver)

- Fuck You England

- We Might Be Small, But We Will Fight You

- Life Isn’t So Bad, If You Just Go Outside

- Fuck You Winter

- Look At That Guy (Wild Racism)

- We Like Going To Other Countries (More Wild Racism)

- Drinking Is Fun

- Drinking Makes Me Long For Sea

- God Is My Dad

There Was A War And Everyone is Dead, There’s Also a Symbolic Bird

There is Going to Be a War And Everyone Will Die, There’s Also a Sybmolic Bird

The Dyeing Is Happening Right Now, There’s Also a Symbolic Bird

I Had a Dream About Us Dying (No Birds Involved)

Alas You Are Dead 

I’m a Bird, I Drink Vodka

Fuck It’s Cold

Frost Do Not Freeze Me Do Not Freeze My Horse Do Not Freeze My Wife Please I Have Children

And my personal favourite:

~ I Married To A Man And Moved Far From My Home But I Want Fucking Back On My Fucking Land To My Parents And A Guy Whom I Actually Planned To Marry Before My Society’s Patriarchal Structure Destroyed My Life

~ A Guy Whom I Loved Loved Me And Also A Some Other Bitch So I Poisoned Him So That Nobody Gets Him

~ This Is My Land And I Love It Very Much, Period

~ I Made A Traditional Kupala Wreath And Released It On Water To Find My Love, No Sexual Hits Involved

~ I Have A Veeery Deeeeep Well In My Garden, And Also A Veeery Curly-Wurly Cabbage, And Also A Veeery Sweeeet Carrot Growing There, Come On Guys Check It Out, Oh, And There Are Totally No Sexual Hints

~ Graphic Descriptions Of Lesbian Sex

~ Everybody Is Dead After A Battle But There Is One Particular Cossack Whom I Am Especially Obligated To Mourn About Because He Is A Representative Of Our Entire Nation’s Young People

~ The Couple Cannot Be Together Because Of Various Reasons And Everybody Cries

~  The Couple Cannot Be Together Because Of Various Reasons And Everybody Cries And It’s Compared To Some Sad Shit Happening In Nature

~ Let’s Kill All People Who Threaten Ukraine Hahaha Yay!

~ I have a boat and have procured many crawfish do you love me?

~ I sure do love crawfish, boats, the bayou, and also dancing

~ My girlfriend can cook, and is therefore superior your girlfriend, who cannot

~ my girlfriend cannot cook and is therefore inferior to all other girlfriends

~ I saw you over a pile of crawfish and knew I was in love (on the bayou)

~ There was a ship and everyone on it was brave as it sank in a storm on the ocean or possibly one of our many inland-sea-sized lakes, please remember the name of the ship 

~ We fell in love when we were young and we didn’t actually understand each other and you figured that out before I did because I’m slow-witted and you’re kind of a jerk so you left me (now listen to this sick organ/fiddle/guitar/harmonica/piano solo)

~ Fuck the railroad, fuck the government, and especially fuck the HBC

~ Gosh everything in this country is inhumanly big and inconvenient and trying to kill us, we’re so lucky to live here, it’s so majestic

~ The English stole our sheep and exiled my true love to Louisiana

~ That’s Cute - an indigenous/ Métis coproduction after hearing that last one

~ Well we’re all in debt and working in a mine fucking sucks but at least we can get drunk and go dancing on the weekends

~ This guy went to prison for a crime he didn’t commit/did commit but with the most sympathetic motive for doing it ever and now he’s out of jail and everything is bittersweet, either because he broke out and has to go back or because he’s lost years of his life to a broken legal system.

The Wren Is The Best Bird (And Delicious!)

I’m Gay For Owain Glyndŵr

My Goats/Sheep/Cows Are Better Than Yours

Lullaby About Killing Things

Fuck You, England

I’m Dying, But First…A Harp Solo

I Was Busy Thinking About A Girl And The Cows Ran Away

Got Dumped, Time To Die In The Woods

Wales Is Really Pretty, Our Trees Are The Best

Owen Cheated On Me, So I Had Sex With David

I Also Had Sex With The Hot Crwth Player And It Was Amazing

“If ever world peace is achieved, it will be because the world is united in its hatred of the English.” @reyn-lethran  

Scottish Folk Song Themes (I am a professional folklorist, this is my job!)

- Love Me Or I Will Jump off a Cliff

-I Love You But Mother Says We Cannot Be Together So I Will Also Jump off a Cliff

-Fuck You England

- Robert Burns Whines A LOT About Not Getting Laid For A Guy With 12 Children

- Very Straightforward References to Sex (Thanks to Robert Burns, national poet & slut)

- Scotland is Pretty But I Only Notice When I’m Dying

- My Girlfriend is Pretty But I Only Notice When I’m Dying

- I’m Drunk

- The Food is Terrible But We are Proud of It For Some Reason

- Bonnie Prince Charlie is a Saint Even Though He Let Us Get Murdered

- I Had to Leave Scotland and Now I Am Sad (unfortunately still contemporary)

- Scotland is Peaceful and Lovely Except For All the War Going On

- Girls Are Drowning, Houses Are Burning, People Are Stealing But We Can Do Nothing Cause We’re Sheeps And The English-Canadians Lions Eat Us

- I Know English-Canadians Exploit Me And The Clergy Lies To Me So Let’s Bomb Some Of Their Shit

- I Can’t Travel In My Own Country Cause English-Canadians Are Mean And Hate Me Cause I Speak French

- We’re Poor AF There’s Nothing To Eat It’s Really Cold All We Can Do Is Sing