You love the idea of me and I love the idea of you. Honesty might not be possible
Alright so to get real for a sec because my support system is not physically present nor available for talking on the phone, basically this year I’m deciding to kind of actually come out (even though I’ve kind of actually done this already but it didn’t feel real so I’m doing it again). I asked my mom to call me by the name I’ve been using for *does the math* /one third/ of my life and twice she’s stopped herself short of using it, and the third time she addressed me was with my… I suppose deadname now. I also can’t say shit to her because she’s been becoming rather misanthropic which makes her testy about everything and she’s always had a temper. So I’m trying to just ride it out until I leave tomorrow because I’m not going to fight with here in her own house. I’m just sad to realize, again, that while I love my mother, she will never try to really understand me because she needs to understand herself and go to therapy and all that. So I kind of have to just put up with it. I’m feeling pretty lonely.
I think what really bothers me is that because of her issues, I had to learn how to be the most considerate and polite and well-behaved person so I did that and she never considered that she should follow that advice. I don’t think she’s capable of genuine self-reflection at this point.
