I am very tired and very gay

[plunges hand into water, pulls out a live lobster, and answers it like a phone]

“uhhh i can’t find this book at my public library” that’s because you’re not going to the secret public library (stealing from barnes and noble)

(*paying for it at barnes and noble)

if you want the rewards of being my lover you must submit to the mortifying ordeal of zigazig ah

Alternate universe Ratatouille

Ratacoochie

im sorry WHAT

Beware Sping-arm Sam

i want to be a professor and lecture nonsensically for a few hours every day and give students vague essay prompts and read them all and laugh but still pass everyone while i slip some bourbon into my metal coffee mug that doesn’t actually have coffee in it wearing a button-up and vest with no tie but nice jeans and hella expensive shoes that i bought because i have tenure and im never losing my job

In conclusion, Carthago delenda est.

fuck it up buttercup 

go for the kill daffodil 

fight the power sunflower

@shitpostsampler another fine offering by gaud, just in time for spring in the southern hemisphere