lemon

clementine twenty she/her infp billie eilish very very very gay

voice memos

billie is on tour and you miss her, then remember her voice messages that you saved for moments like that

no warnings, one slightly suggestive comment, fluff, not proofread, fem!reader

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

you were sitting in your and billie’s room, she was on tour currently, in japan, you missed her terribly but couldn’t be with her since you had work here, you couldn’t just ditch it even though you wanted to.

she was busy, you knew it, but you missed her so much, you wanted to hear her voice at least.

you were laying in your bed, phone in hand as you contemplated whether you should call her and interrupt her or try to just suck it up.

after a while of just laying there and staring at her contact info, staring at the name ‘bilbaby🩵’, at the picture you took of her that one time you were at the beach where she’s sitting on a beach towel, leaning her upper body back on her arms, her head tilted to the side slightly, one of her eyes half closed, her nose scrunched because of the sun as she stares into the camera with a smile.

god you missed her badly, and you were whipped, so whipped.

then you remembered, her voice messages, the ones you saved in your voice memos app, the ones you went back to whenever you wanted to hear her voice, feel her comfort, and she couldn’t give you that directly.

you open your voice memos and smile to yourself as you press play on the first voice message that you titled ‘billie1’

“hi baby, i know you’re probably already sleeping when i’m recording this message, but well-“

she pauses for a moment and you just know she was smiling

“you’re just gonna have to start your day with my voice”

she says and let out a fake exasperated sigh before chuckling and continuing

“i wanted to tell you that i miss you so much and oh god, i can’t wait till i’m back home with you and sharky and brutus, my three faves”

she says and you can sense that she’s frowning

“and uh- i wish i could hold you right now, it’s so weird sleeping without you and just existing without you overall”

she pauses and sighs

“but hey, i’ll be home in like 2 weeks so i’ll finally get to be with you and actually see you, touch you, talk to you face to face, and… you know, stuff”

she says and clicks her tongue, and you just know what expression she has on her face, that damn smirk

“but let me not think about that, i’ll get too many ideas too quickly, but yeah- text me when you wake up, i love you so so so much”

she says and there’s a short pause after that

“oh and have a good day, pretty girl, the prettiest girl on the planet, gosh i’m lucky… hold on, let me stop that, byeeeeeeeee”

she drags out and then she makes a kissing sound and the voice message cuts off

you’re smiling to yourself like an idiot and press play on another recording

“hey gorgeous, i’m gonna start this off by saying- god, i’m so proud of you for doing my all those things you just texted me about, that’s my girl!”

she says and you just know she’s smiling just as hard as you are right now

“as for my day, gosh, it was eventful, i just finished my show, there was complete silence during when the party’s over! and oh i’m so happy every-time it works!”

she says, her happiness was audible in her voice

“i sure as hell hope you watched at least part of it on some shitty tik tok live, if not- shame on you”

she says and you can imagine how she’d point her accusatory finger at you if she was home with you

“but i still love you anyway i guess, unfortunately”

she pauses for dramatic effect before continuing

“just kidding, i love loving you… and oh! about that, i have something for youuuu, gosh i can’t wait to give you everything i bought for you in europe, you’re gonna love it!”

she says and you can’t help but think back to that, all of the small gifts she got you from every city, things that reminded her of you, and magnets for your fridge since she knew how much you loved collecting these

“it’s so weird, i wish i was there with you but i’m also so happy that i’m here, emotions are confusing as fuckkkkkk”

she says and then chuckles softly

“okay, this is getting a bit long, good- wait, what time is it there? it’s morning, right? i think so- well… good morning then, my love, have a great day! i’ll text you when i wake up, i love youuuuu”

she sings the ‘i love you’ and then the voice message cuts off

and now, even though she wasn’t here with you you felt a bit better, you were smiling to yourself before texting her

‘goodnight, bee, i love you❤️’

after the music fades

secret no more

offstage (secret no more part 2)

photo dump

reader surprises billie at her show

no warnings, just fluff, fem!reader but i don’t think that’s specified anywhere, not proofread

——————————————————————

july 12 2025, i was in my hotel in Madrid after headlining the Mad Cool festival, i had already gotten ready for sleep and was now sitting in my hotel bed with my back against the headrest with my phone in hand as i talked to Billie on facetime

„and it was soooo freaking hot there, i was DYING up on that stage” i say as i look at her and let out an exaggerated sigh.

„but you did great, i watched some of your performance after getting back to the hotel” the brunette says as she smiles at me through the screen and moves to lay down on her stomach in her hotel bed in London.

„thank you, angel” i say as i smile back at her „oh and i obviously met with Finch, he told me to tell you that he’s saying hi” i tell her and chuckle softly

„oh yeah, i know, he facetimed me for some of your performance” she says and grins

„he did? that’s so sweet of him” i say

„yeah, i wish i could’ve been there. It sucks ass that we’re literally on the same continent, a 2,5h flight away from each other but can’t be together” she says and pouts

„i know, it really does suck, but hey… i’m going back home tomorrow and you’ll be back in a little over two weeks, we can do this” i say softly and frown when i see her pout

„yeah, yeah, yeah, but i still wish i could be there with you, or that you could be here with me” she says and i could see the sadness she held in her eyes, i could see the tiredness.

„i know, love, i know” i say softly

„so i won’t be able to contact you tomorrow, huh?” she asks, even more saddened

„i promise you that the first question i’ll ask a flight attendant will be ‚is there wi-fi here?’’ i assure her with a soft smile, knowing damn. well i won’t be asking that since i’ll be on a plane to London tomorrow, not LA.

„okay okay” she says and lightens up a little

„now, tell me about what you were up to today” i say and tilt my head in curiosity, wanting to her about her day and she starts telling me all about the activities she and her band and parents attended that day, and i listened with a smile on my face, humming from time to time and asking follow up questions.

——————————————————————

the next day i woke up pretty early since i had my flight at 12:10pm, i texted Billie good morning and got ready for the check out, ordered breakfast to my room and after eating it i finished packing my suitcase and made sure i packed all of my essentials. I wore a comfortable outfit, making sure the hood of my hoodie will be able to somewhat cover my face. I grabbed everything and met my manager, assistant and security guards near the reception, we checked out of the hotel and made our way to the car and drove to the airport.

everything went smoothly and not too long after we got onto the plane. Billie texted me a little bit before the plane got off so i texted her back saying that i was on the plane on the way home to LA, smiling to myself like an idiot while typing, knowing that i was in fact going home, but not to LA, to her.

after landing, there was a car already waiting for us, we got our luggage and drove to the hotel that Billie was staying in, i turned off my location so that my girlfriend wouldn’t be able to check where i was.

I was in contact with Billie’s parents and manager the whole time as this was planned a very long time ago, they assured me that they wouldn’t be coming back to the hotel before today’s show so i got a key to the brunette’s room from the reception and went there. Setting my stuff next to hers as i texted her parents that i was there. I didn’t go out anywhere, not wanting to risk being caught by anyone, this was a surprise for my girlfriend after all.

——————————————————————

about half an hour before the concert starts, i was already at the arena, with Billie’s manager who was guiding me to where Maggie and Patrick were and where the blue eyed woman would surely not go. I smiled widely when i saw her parents and walked over to them quickly, i haven’t seen them in 2 weeks, and usually when we’re all in LA, Billie and i go over to their house at least once a week for lunch or dinner. I hugged them tightly and we started talking about everything.

right before the concert started, the O’Connells and i made our way to our spots in the stands, Billie probably wouldn’t spot me, unless she’d be looking, until the moment the screens show her parents when she says her thank you’s.

we talked for a moment, some fans walked over to us and joined our conversation which we welcomed with big smiles and friendly attitude. After a while the music that way playing in the background faded, people screamed, then the lights got turned off and then the sounds of the intro started, the box in which Billie would appear in a moment has been lit up with white lights and the audience screamed at the top of their lungs, i joined them in on the screaming, my heart beating fast and my stomach feeling heavy with excitement. I felt like i was a fan seeing my idol, when in fact i was a girl who would see her girlfriend be the most ‚her’ self, she’s told me multiple times that on the stage she’s the clearest version of herself and i found that beautiful, that was part of the reason why i loved seeing her perform so much.

i screamed as loud as i could as the brunette was finally visible through the box for a few seconds, the biggest grin on my lips as tears begun filling my eyes, gosh i’ve missed that woman so much. The intro stopped and the ocean eyed woman was standing on top of the box, looking around and taking everything in with such a real smile on her face i almost only ever saw when she was doing this, doing her thing. She looked as beautiful as ever, her outfit, like any other, making her look stunning and making me feel so lucky that i getto call her mine. The start of ‚Chihiro’ started playing and her parents and i sang along as we moved to the sound of the music.

during ‚lunch’ when she was on the longer side of the stage, she was facing us, she met my eye from afar while doing the air „piano” but she most definitely didn’t realise that it was me as she was focused on performing.

i continued having fun with her parents, frowned when someone messed up the ‚wtpo’ loop, and then screaming my heart out to the next songs, jumping and dancing around.

after ‚over now’ Billie introduced her band and started saying her thank you’s, when she got to her parents, the big screens showed them- and me right next to them, the arena was so loud from everybody’s screams and the brunette looked up at the screens, her eyes visibly widening, her gaze immediately shooting in our direction as i waved with the biggest grin on my lips, her lips soon spread into an even wider smile than she had at the start of the show and for a moment it was just us, the screams seemed to fade away and i just knew that Billie had tears in her eyes, i did too.

soon the noise came back into my ears as i nodded at Billie and she shook her head and bit her lip, her beautiful dimples showing as she looked back at the audience and thanked everyone for coming before moving on to ‚what was i made for’

right before she started playing ‚happier than ever’ Patrick and i made our way down to the back of the floor, wanting to experience the last two songs from the lowest part of the arena, i screamed at the top of my lungs when Billie was shredding the guitar and couldn’t believe that she was mine, holy shit.

after ‘birds of a feather’ and after catching some confetti, while the blue eyed woman was waving at the audience and bowing, her dad and i found Maggie and we went backstage and waited for her near her green room.

soon enough she ran backstage and after the camera that she was holding cut off, she stopped, her chest raising quickly as she caught her breath and then looked around, our eyes met and all of the noise faded away, it was just the two of us.

she bit her lip and smiled, her dimples showing, the corners of her eyes crinkled, i smiled back and noticed that her eyes were getting glossy, after what felt like forever she lunged herself into my arms. I wrapped my arms tightly around her and hid my face in her neck, breathing in her scent, she was wearing ‘your turn’ of course she was.

“you were supposed to be flying to LA, you liar” she mumbles against my shoulder and i chuckle quietly, i felt my shirt getting a bit wet and i guessed she was crying, her breathing was a bit shaky too, i only tightened my arms around her and rubbed her back gently.

“that was the unofficial version that was only meant for you” i say and grin against her neck before placing a soft peck on her skin.

“that’s mean” she grumbles and i chuckle again.

“oh come on, you can’t tell me you didn’t like this surprise” i whisper and pull back to be able to look at her, my hands immediately cupping her cheeks.

she bit her lip and shook her head as a wide smile spread across her lips, her cheeks were wet from her tears which i rubbed off gently using my thumbs, her eyes still glossy and slightly red, and she still looked like the most gorgeous woman on this planet.

offstage (part 2 of secret no more)

after the spotlight fades, billie and reader navigate the price of being seen

no warnings, fem!reader but i don’t think it’s specified anywhere

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Billie’s show was amazing as always, i spent most of it in the stands, shouting along to the lyrics and joining her fans in freaking about her doing as little as drinking water. I had the biggest smile on my face as i watched my girl performed, Billie really shined on stage and i absolutely loved watching how her face lit up when she interacted with fans and saw their faces.

After the nearly two hour performance, while Billie was saying goodbye to her fans, i sneakily made my way backstage to be able to greet the brunette once she gets there.

The blue eyed woman has been rolled backstage in a black box and after being opened she got out of it and jumped into my arms, i smiled widely and embraced her, kissing her shoulder gently.

‘you did so freaking good, angel, i’m so proud of you’ i whisper to her as i squeeze her slightly.

‘thank you, babe, i’m so freaking tired tho’ she says into my shoulder before pulling back slightly to look at me

My hands immediately find her waist as hers land on my shoulders, my eyes scanned her face with a look of pure love and admiration

‘gosh you’re beautiful’ i whisper as i look at her and shake my head as if not believing her beauty

‘and sweaty as fuck, but thank you’ she laughs

‘oh come on, makes you look even hotter’ i say with a grin and wink at her playfully

‘dork’ she simply states before leaning in to place a soft peck on my lips and grabs my hand to lead me to her green room

We met with Ava, Jane and the rest of her band, i congratulated them on a great show and we talked while they got ready to leave. The black van was waiting for us under the arena and we all got into it, me sitting next to Billie of course, her hand immediately finding my thigh as we all talk.

‘sorry to mention it now, but it’s so fucking shitty that they posted pictures of you’ Jane says after a moment of casual conversation

‘oh don’t get me started’ i say and roll my eyes, annoyed at the mere thought of that situation

‘it’s fucked up, i don’t even want to know what’s going on on twitter now’ Billie says and rolls her eyes as well as she glances at me, squeezing my thigh lightly

I look back at Billie with a soft smile and place my hand on top of hers, squeezing it back.

‘how are y’all gonna handle it?’ Abe asks

‘no idea, we haven’t gotten to that yet’ Billie says and lets out a frustrated sigh as she runs her free hand through her hair

‘yeah, but it’s probably best to leave it be’ i say and shrug as i lean my head on my girlfriend’s shoulder

‘it would’ve been all fine, but the fact that they took our choice from us is so goddamn infuriating’ Billie adds after a moment and i can see how upset she is about it, i squeeze her hand again and nod in agreement with her.

‘true, fuck paparazzi’ Ava says and we all echo her words.

After a while we arrive back at our hotel and say our goodnights, Billie and i get into our room and do our routines, shower, take our makeup off, brush our teeth, do our skincares, with the quiet hum of our favourite playlist playing on my phone.

Once we were both dressed in our pyjamas the brunette laid down on our bed with her phone in hand, and i could see her eyebrows furrow, i laid down next to her with my head on her shoulder as i looked at her phone with her, noticing that she’s reading twitter posts, we laughed about them, but some of them were pretty hateful. Not that we cared that much, we were secure in our relationship so it was funny to us, that strangers had opinions about this, but this was the internet.

‘oh hell nah, they don’t even deserve to get black screened after this’ she grumbles and rolls her eyes after reading some homophobic posts

‘i date men, i’m straight, i date women so i’m a lesbian, jesus christ, fucking morons, can’t i just be?’ she groans and switches her phone off, placing it on the nightstand

‘people are just fucked up’ i say and nod as i looked at her, adjusting to sit up to be able to look at her comfortable and i start running my fingers through her hair ‘let’s just not do anything about them knowing’

‘sounds good to me’ she says as she closes her eyes and lets out a quiet hum of contentment while leaning into my touch

‘great’ i whisper and lean down to place a soft kiss on her forehead which brings a small smile to her lips, so i place a kiss on her brow, wanting to get a full genuine smile, her smile widens, i kiss her other brow, smile widened once again, then i kiss her nose and both cheeks and linger over her lips, she opens her eyes and chuckles as she looks at me

‘kiss me you dork’ she says, her eyes glimmering, and who am i to say no to that woman? my lips finally land on hers as we kiss softly and slowly, and after a moment she starts chuckling.

‘why are you laughing?’ i ask her against her lips and i can’t help but laugh a bit too

‘i just love you so much’ she whispers and pecks my lips a couple of times, my heart fluttered at her words

‘i love you too, Bilbo’ i say with a smile and i watch as she shakes her head at the nickname, then i move to lay back down and she immediately places her head on my chest, we start talking about random things and after exchanging our ‚goodnights’ and a kiss, okay maybe lots of kisses, we both fall asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i really wish billie would’ve blackscreened us😭

reader and billie reveal their relationship

no warnings, fem!reader

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 15th, exactly a week after our 3rd anniversary, Billie and i were laying down in the hotel bed, wrapped up in each others arms, her body in between my legs, her head hidden under my shirt with her cheek pressed against my stomach, her arms wrapped around my waist, one of my hands on her back under her shirt and my other one holding my phone as i scrolled through TikTok.

‘you know, i was thinking…’ i start speaking and pause for a moment, tapping the tiktok that i was just watching for it to stop ‘i was thinking of posting a photo dump on instagram, and- maybe i could post a photo of us? lika a hard launch hidden in between other pictures’ say quietly, telling her about my recent thoughts, the tips of my fingers tracing patterns in between her shoulder blades

‘you wanna tell them?’ Billie asks as she takes her head out from under my shirt and rests her chin on my stomach to be able to look at me

‘yeah’ i whisper and bite my lip, nodding as i look at her, my hand that was holding my phone now cupping her cheek ‘i mean- obviously no pressure, i was just thinking that it would be a cool way to announce our relationship, you know? i mean- feels pretty casual’ i say as i look into her eyes, trying to guess what she’s thinking, i see a smile forming on her lips so i take it as a good sign

‘god, i love you’ she whispers with a lovesick grin

‘so, i’m guessing that’s a yes?’ i ask, my grin now matching hers as my thumb rubs her skin

‘duuuh, it’s time the world knows you’re mine’ she says as she leans into my touch, her own hands tracing small circles on my waist

‘kay, we gotta pick the picture then’ as soon as i say that, Billie moves from between my legs and lays down by my side instead, her hand reaching for my phone as she unlocks it and opens my photos app and we start scrolling through the folder with our pictures, trying to find the perfect one.

After quite a while of looking for it, we find a picture of our photo booth strips from about about a month ago, we took the pictures on one of my friend’s birthday party, we spent a lot of time in that photo booth, we might’ve gotten too caught up in kissing, but that’s whole different story.

‘perfect’ i whisper with a grin and nod in approval of the picture

‘i think so too’ the blue eyed woman says as she looks at me with a smile

‘it’s funny cause there’ll be people still calling us friends’ i say and chuckle softly

‘oh yeah, just two friends kissing’ she says and laughs with me, i shake my head in amusement and start gathering pictures for the photo dump, and once i have everything, i click the “post” button

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

y/ny/l/n: ☀️📷🌸💋

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘done’ i whisper and Billie moves to place a soft kiss on my lips, i kiss her back with the same softness and then give her a few quick pecks ‘i love you, Bee’ i whisper against her lips

secret no more

offstage (part two)

We were in Venice, Italy, enjoying a beautiful day out with Billie’s bandmates and friends — grabbing ice cream, visiting landmarks, taking pictures, talking, laughing. Billie had her little digital camera with her, capturing everything. It felt so simple, so free. Just us, soaking in the moment.

When we got back to our hotel, we ordered a bottle of champagne to celebrate our anniversary quietly — just the two of us, in the comfort of our room. The weather was too perfect to ignore, so we stepped out onto the balcony.

I leaned against the railing, glass in hand, as Billie pointed the camera at me.

“’Kay, now pose for me,” she said with a silly grin.

I smiled, holding the glass toward the camera as she snapped a picture.

“So pretty,” she whispered, peeking at me over the lens.

My smile softened. The world seemed to pause as she set the camera down on the railing and stepped closer.

“You really are adorable. And beautiful. You know that, right?” I whispered.

She didn’t answer — just closed the distance between us. Her hand found my cheek, thumb brushing my skin. Mine landed naturally on her waist.

“Happy three years, Y/N,” she murmured, leaning in to kiss me.

I met her lips with the same tenderness, fingers curling lightly into the fabric of her skirt.

“Happy three years, Bil baby,” I whispered against her mouth as we pulled apart.

She smiled and took a sip of her champagne. We stayed on the balcony a while longer, talking quietly and savoring the moment, just the two of us under the soft Venice light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day, Billie had a show in Bologna, so we spent most of it at the arena.

I sat on the pit floor with some of her team during rehearsals, singing along, watching every detail, offering thoughts when Billie asked how things looked from my perspective.

Later, we were backstage. Billie, Jane, and Ava were doing their makeup while I lounged on the couch, camera in hand, filming them just as they started teasing Abe — again. We laughed so hard, I almost dropped the camera.

Once everyone was ready, we headed out to a secluded section of the stands to watch Tom Odell’s set. Billie’s arm wrapped around my shoulders; mine snuck around her waist. The Horner sisters flanked us, arms linked as we swayed softly to the music.

About ten minutes before Billie’s set, we were backstage again. She was going over last-minute details with her band, while I stood off to the side texting one of my best friends.

Then I got a message:

“Y/N, check Twitter. Now.”

I frowned. The reception in the arena was awful — too many people — but I managed to open the app. The first thing I saw was a loading image. It wasn’t even visible yet, but the caption was enough:

“Billie Eilish and Y/N Y/L/N confirm romance with a steamy balcony kiss.”

All the blood drained from my face.

I looked up at Billie, who was still in conversation. My hands were shaking. I didn’t have time to think, because her manager suddenly appeared.

“Billie, Y/N — we need to talk,” he said, serious.

I walked over, placing my hand on the small of her back. He led us away from everyone and showed us his phone.

Billie furrowed her brow, then sighed, her eyes meeting mine.

“They caught us,” I whispered.

She nodded, squeezing my hand. I could tell she was holding it together — trying not to let the frustration show.

“This was bound to happen,” she said quietly.

It wasn’t about people finding out. We’d planned to go public soon anyway. What stung was that the choice — our choice — had been taken from us.

I slipped my arm around her shoulders as we both looked to her manager.

“I’m not going to tell you what to do about this,” he said. “I’ll help if you want, but I trust you two to handle it the right way. I’m sorry it happened like this.”

He gave Billie’s shoulder a squeeze before someone called his name and he stepped away.

I turned to her, frowning, my hand running gently down her arm.

“Okay. It’s okay. We’ll figure it out.”

“At least we’re in this together,” she said softly, her smile small but real.

I smiled back, leaning in to kiss her.

“Come on,” I said, tugging her hand gently. “You’ve got a show to do.”

We returned to the group. They’d seen the tweets. They already knew.

“Those fucking paparazzi, I swear to God,” Ava muttered when we joined them, rolling her eyes.

Billie and I both smiled, nodding to let them know we were okay — or at least trying to be.

Soon someone came over to tell Billie it was time. She had to get into the box that would take her under the stage.

I cupped her cheeks gently, thumbs brushing along her skin.

“You’re gonna do amazing, love. I’ll be watching the whole time.”

“Thank you, baby girl,” she whispered, leaning in for one last kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Bee.”

She climbed in. The team wheeled her away, and I made my way up into the stands — ready to watch her light up the world.

after the music fades

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was noise and people surrounding me, the sound of ‚Everything is romantic’, sang by Charli xcx who stood on the coachella stage giving one of her best performances, loud and clear, my girlfriend standing right next to me, Claudia on my other side, Alex somewhere behind us, Maggie in front of us, all jumping and having fun to the live music, Billie leaning closer to me to whisper, or rather shout, something in my ear.

After the song finished, Billie leaned closer to me.

„time for me to go get this show going” she says loud enough for me to hear and pecks my cheek lightly

„good luck, i’ll be watching you from here” i say back with a grin and squeeze her arm lightly before she walks away with her security guard

another song passes, i’m having fun with Claudia, jumping around together and grinning in excitement that i’ll see my girlfriend on stage in a moment, just as guess starts, Claudia leans closer to me.

„how’s Bil holding up?” she asks me, i look at her slightly confused, my eyebrows furrowed almost unnoticeably

„huh? she’s okay” i tell her, i was extremely confused, yes, Billie has been acting a little bit differently lately, but i’ve assumed that it was because she couldn’t get a song right, she told me about that, and that’s why she’s been spending more time in the studio with Finneas

„really? so she overcame her anxiety, she’s not feeling so overwhelmed anymore, huh?” she asks, and i look at her even more baffled now

„oh yeah, i- i guess she did” i say, trying not to show her that i had no idea what she was talking about, Billie has been feeling this way and haven’t told me? i felt hurt, really hurt, why didn’t she tell me?

„wait- she didn’t tell you?” Claudia asks, of course she noticed, she knew me too well not to notice, but before i could reply to her, Billie came onto the stage, joining Charli as they sang ‚Guess’ so i tried to push all of my thoughts and feelings to the side as i watched my girlfriend perform, jumping around and trying to have fun.

Billie’s performance was amazing, she got off stage and ‚365’ started playing, Claudia and i continued having fun, i knew that the brunette would be hyped and happy after her performance, and that she’d be happy with our friends and watching other artists perform, so i decided to keep my feelings to myself for now.

After a moment Billie came back to us and walked straight over to me with the biggest grin on her face, i couldn’t help but smile back, even though i was still hurt and upset, gosh i loved seeing her happy. She placed a kiss on my cheek as soon as she was close enough and then took my face into her hands.

„how was i? did you have fun?” she asked excitedly, my smile widened at her questions and i nodded

„of course i had fun, you were amazing, as always” i tell her and lean closer to her to place a soft, quick peck on her lips and when i move away, she wraps her arm around me and we continue watching Charli perform. I was having fun but Claudia’s words were still in the back of my mind.

Once Charli’s performance was over, we started walking to a different stage for another performance from a different artist, i wasn’t even sure where we were going to be honest, but Billie kept her arm around me as we walked and talked to our friends, i stayed silent, my mind swarmed with thoughts about why Billie didn’t tell me she had been feeling bad recently, i could tell that Billie was glancing at me from time to time, she squeezed my shoulder, and that’s when i knew that she noticed, of course she did, she always does, i smiled at her softly to reassure her and then joined in on the conversation, wanting to act as normal as i could, trying not to make it show that i had a storm in my mind.

We had a lot of fun that day, Billie kept stealing glances at me, squeezing my hand, shoulder, observing me, she knew that something was wrong, so when we came back to her house, her first question, after we took our shoes off, greeted the dogs and sat down on the couch, was:

„Y/n, love, are you okay?” the question left her lips as she tilted her head to the side and observed me intently „you’ve been incredibly quiet after my performance with Charli, and- i just- what’s wrong?” she continues as she scanned my face

„i-„ i sighed, looking down, i didn’t know how to start the conversation „well, i talked to Claudia, while you were performing, and she asked me something, about you” i start, gathering the courage to look at her „she asked if you were okay, and then implied that you’ve been struggling mentally recently, with anxiety and that you’ve been feeling overwhelmed” i tell her with a frown as i look at her

„oh” she whispers and looks down at her hands, fidgeting with her rings

„why didn’t you tell me, Billie?” i ask her quietly, my voice breaking „and why did you lie to me? when i asked you what’s wrong, you told me it was a song you couldn’t get right, why didn’t you tell me that you’ve been struggling?” i ask her, my tone hurt, my eyebrows furrowed slightly

Billie stayed quiet, didn’t look at me, continued fidgeting with her rings, her thumb running over the silver jewellery and i could see that she was biting her lip slightly

„i didn’t mean to lie to you” she said after a moment, her voice small, still not looking at me „i thought that it would be easier to lie, because then you wouldn’t have to worry, and i didn’t want you to think that i’m too much to handle, or worse, that you have to… fix me” she adds and finally looks at me, for a spare second, but she does, i frowned at her words

„don’t look at me like that” she whispered before continuing „i know i should’ve told you, it wasn’t about not trusting you at all, i trust you more than i trust anyone” she says, her voice quiet „i didn’t want to ruin the good moments we had lately, i didn’t want you to see me all anxious, depressed and overwhelmed, i wanted to be okay. For you” she says, her voice breaking slightly and she shakes her head and scoffs

„Billie, you don’t have to be okay for me, you have to be honest” i tell her in a soft tone after a moment of silence, i reach out and grab her hand lightly „i know that i’m your girlfriend, and you didn’t want to worry me, but above all that, i’m still your best friend, and i will always be” i tell her, my tone gentle as my thumb rubs her knuckles lightly „you can always, and i really do mean always talk to me” i continue as i look at her and she finally lifts up her head to look at me

„i’m sorry” she whispers and i notice that her eyes are tearing up slightly

„you don’t have to apologise, my love, just please be honest with me in the future” i whisper and then open my arms for her „now come here” i say softly and she immediately moves closer, resting her head on my chest as i wrap my arms around her

„okay” she whispers

„do you want to talk about how you’ve been feeling lately?” i ask her in a soft tone as i rub her back in slow circular motions

„not really” she whispers and shakes her head against my chest

„okay” i whisper back and squeeze her a little tighter

„i love you, you know that, right?” she asks as she lifts her head up to look at me

i smile softly at her words as i look at her „i know, and i love you too” i reply and we spend the rest of the evening in the comfort of our presence.