LEILANI

what kills me most is how i believed you when you told me the stars would never stop shining for us

it was truly tragic actually. because he was scared to love again after his heart was broken. and she was scared to love at all, believing no one could feel that way about her. so they paced around the problem, let the silence grow louder. and then one day they were nothing at all. just two souls who loved each other, but were far too scared to be together.

I didn’t want us to get hurt. I think that’s why I held back. And then yesterday after we hung out, you told me you were fine with the things I couldn’t offer in a relationship, and you were fine with the things I told you I had to focus on first. You almost got me to give in. And I was explaining once again why I was holding back, but I was also so close to saying let’s do it. And then you blocked me. And now I can’t talk to you anymore. My heart hurts just a little right now.

Why did you kiss my forehead so many times? Why did you hold me close on warm summer nights when we both were dying under the heat from each other? Why did you tell me you loved waking up to me next to you in the morning? Why did you seem jealous when the possibility of me seeing other people became an option? Why did you tell me you thought my mind was beautiful? Why did you tell me you thought I was beautiful? Why did you let me fucking leave? Why did you tell me you wanted to go away somewhere far away with me and see the world? Why did you tell me about that dream you had of us together only to later pretend that it had never happened? Why did you tell me you missed me after one weekend away from each other? Why did you hold my hand with such genuine softness?

Suddenly, it becomes too much and you just break. You become numb to the world around you, people pass you by, they speak to you but you can’t hear them. You can only feel the numbing pain of emptiness. You see the world moving around you but you’re not moving with it, you just blend in to the background, unimportant, forgotten. It all becomes too much, you don’t know how to live a normal life anymore, you can’t take it, you finally give up, and the world around you turns to dust.

“How are you doing?” He knows he shouldn’t have asked that and yet this question kept him up at night for a certain auburn haired girl. “Do not me ask that question.” She replied, tears seemingly falling down her now plain cheeks that had once been pink due to her constant happy state. And just as he began to ask her why, she replied with a sudden fire in her eyes, “You can’t ask how a person is doing after tearing them apart, you have no right.”

So who do you run to when your crying that peircing cry, that cry that is loud and sharp, and hurts like hell. What do you do when that cry comes, when the screams mix with the tears, and it all becomes cold. When the pain is so intense, that the only way it can crawl out of you is through those deafening cries. And when your hands are shaking so bad, what are they struggling to type; and for gods sake, who is it that you ran to.

They say that I should try to move on since you’re the one who pushed me away. I just need to forget about you. They’re probably right however my mind cannot comprehend how one could be capable of forgetting someone who happens to be all you’ve ever known? Trying to forget you would be like trying to unlearn the language I speak most fluently. An impossible task. So here I am still rooting for you to change your mind and for it to be you and me in the end.

The truth is, you’re torturing me. The burning ache in my chest is the same when I’m lying in bed alone as it is when I’m swallowing vodka in the backseat of a crowded car with the music blasting, and no matter where I am or who I’m with I can still feel the weight you left in my heart. And though I am usually quite the optimist, I know that it is going to be nearly impossible to lift myself up from this.

They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

You touched my body and stole my heart. Now, with out you here the only warm thing around is the tears i shed over our forgotten love.

I’ve lost all of my energy, but no one else understands that. That my mind is running with thoughts and wants constantly, but my body just wants to stay at rest. I’m so drained; there are times when sitting up feels like too much, when the world just feels like too much. But no one understands that. They just tell me I’m lazy. But they don’t know, they don’t know that I don’t want to be like this — that I want to do so much more than lie down.