Honestly Taylor

This is not a poem

This is not a cry for help

This is not blame

Only to wish you would breathe

13 dollars, with tax

You a lone tree

Got cut down with an axe

But the ring still remains

Just as for the tree

The rings still remain

Stories, tales, lore,

all three

A stump, a reminder,

Of where you once stood

My mind spirals downward

It’s only wood

Hollowing over time

Secrets whisked away in a breeze

A breeze revealing my scars

Paralyzed, seized

The thing about trees,

The rings always remember

The axe just moved on

To it’s next contender

So this is the only

Goodbye I will get

After all, I was never there

Just a secret,

A lie,

I’m haunted because I know

Is always indicative

When we lie instead of leave.

You lied to me,

Because you wanted her,

You lied to her,

Because you made a vow,

You lied to a secret,

Because she loves you,

You lied to you,

Because you have to.

Oh the tangled web you weave,

Only in mind and spirit,

Put myself back together

She is an unfair mistress,

She preys on the good and the bad,

The strong and the weak,

She is the unseen assassin,

Becoming visible only when it's too late,

With our blades we cut her deformed skin,

We scorch her with radiation,

And poison her with chemo,

Yet still she rages forth,

She's a thief of health,

A thief of hope,

She's a creature of the deep,

Her tentacles spreading faster and farther than any rumor possibly could,

Seemingly monolithic,

The bowels of the brave turn to water when opposing her,

And yet we stand,

The good and the bad,

The strong and the weak,

Our ambition to overcome is far more effective than the surgeon's scalpel,

With every survivor she quakes and writhes,

Her shield of aloofness shattered,

Slowly but surely she becomes a fallen Goliath,

Who needs but to be decapitated,

She has won many battles,

But it is us,

The victims,

Destroy to create something,

Is it I destroy myself

still love?

If yes,

Is it better to have loved and lost?

If no,

made my memory fade, disguised as an aid.

Pills

numbed all my pain, making it all seem sane.

Drink

made me relax, offering ways to distract.

But you.

“Everyone has sinned. We all fall short of God’s glorious standards” Romans 3:23

“Where there is jealousy and selfish ambition, you will find disorder and evil of every kind” James 3:16

That’s a recipe for toxic relationships.

Often toxic relationships in my life look like people who do not respect my safe boundaries or my life choices. People who try to pull me into who I used to be and can’t see me for who I am. People who create a one-sided relationship and take advantage of my emotions.

It’s a reoccurring pattern, a vicious cycle, and it’s time I say “stop, no more.”

I’ve had people comment to me before that if I’m REALLY a Christian, I wouldn’t leave a relationship, or put firm boundaries in place.

Here’s the truth:

If a person in your life is toxic to your mental, spiritual, or physical health often the wisest decision is to put some distance between you and them.

I’m writing to encourage you with my own journey.

You do NOT have to “get over it” or “get used to it”.

Removing yourself is a perfectly acceptable (and biblical) response.

“For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.”-Galatians‬ ‭5:14-15‬ ‭

What’s important in making distance is my emotional maturity.

I have to avoid responding in anger and bitterness. No matter how hurt I am, I am striving not to ridicule or gossip about the situation.

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”-1 Peter‬ ‭3:9‬ ‭

Instead I’m trying to change my focus.

I focus on my getting closer with God and strengthening my relationship with Him. That is the only way I can work on forgiveness and moving forward.

I have faith in Psalm 147:3 that assures me God “heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds”.

My closure doesn’t come from a person anymore, that just isn’t possible most of the time.

My closure comes from God restoring peace to my broken heart.

I’m thankful for a God who loves, restores, forgives, cares, and teaches me (slowly) to do the same.

When I’m emotionally drained.

When I’m burnt out.

When I don’t know how I’ll make ends meet.

When my heart is so broken I’m not even convinced it beats anymore.

I remember that these small moments are what I’m in it for.