leave me alone.

they leaned back and smiled at me, "i just scratched my butt, i just wanted to.." while reaching their hand out in my direction. i raised my arm up and our hands touched for a moment. i smiled back and they let go, on with the show. two and a half years and we didn't get a chance to say a proper hello, or even a goodbye. locked eyes and i projected a pained smile that implied "you're too busy for me to interrupt and our friend asked me to come meet her dog, so i guess this is it." they seemed to understand. i wish we had so much more time but really just being present and feeling that energy made me realize that i'm still cared about, and i liked that a lot.

after spending an hour at the apartment i have missed and hadn't been at since leap year 2020 (coincidentally the last time i saw S as well) i walked the half mile in the other direction to where i parked my car. i drove past the bar we were invited to by their bandmate, thinking if any of them were standing outside i would stop and spend some time there instead of, you know, going home and actually getting some sleep. i didn't care about that. but i didn't see anyone so instead of taking the time to look for a place to park i just kept driving. the following afternoon i saw their middle of the night photobooth pictures from the bar i didn't stop at. i guess i should have.

opening, closing.

it felt so nice being told "i miss you! i was looking at all of our pictures the other day and thinking about all of the great times we had together this summer!"

somewhere in the middle of the night on friday we had three out of five of our austin friends from a giant dog over, and we're playing dice. the rules they had and the house rules were different, so there was a bit of confusion. one of them wins first, then twice, and then somehow even though i don't know what i'm doing i roll the equivalent of the best score that can't be beat. lido shuffle was on the radio and i made my joke announcement as i usually do when it is on and i'm with a group of people, "this one is about chicago!" i have to square off against my favorite of the three (that i met a couple months ago) and he wins. the next two rounds have them in the lead. i start laughing uncontrollably and can't even get my joke out - it takes me over a minute to tel everyone "i have the stupidest fucking joke and i have to apologize before i say this..." another thirty seconds before i can say what i was planning to, "you know there is a thing they say... don't mess with texas, that's what everyone always says!"

1. those three songs i played for a dollar at the empty bar. two about distance. all matched that mid-fall breeze that was taking over. why distance? i was right there with exactly who i wanted to be there at the moment. she had even flashed her tits at me when i came back to the table. nothing came of it and a couple months down the line it was too late.

2. not too long later, maybe a few weeks: they were all present that night, not just a couple of them. the dj played a dance remix of 'everywhere' by fleetwood mac. i found out later they were all on mushrooms. made a lot more sense that way.

now i really only know the one who didn't come out with us often, the one i didn't know that well until much later. heard 'everywhere' on the radio the other night after i left her house. not the dance version.

the passing of time was the disance felt in those then already decades old songs. when i put them on i wasn't thinking about something i would reflect on anytime i heard any of them, but that was what happened.

trying to keep quiet about how much fun i've been having lately