My Brain Is A Mixtape

Tracey: Andy, what are you- what are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!

Andy, sitting in the shopping cart: Go back in the house, Tracey. We're being Jackass. Okay, ready?

Simon, holding a video camera: All right, we're rolling!

Andy: I'm Andy Taylor, and this is “Shopping Cart... Roof... R-roof… Roof Sho... Roof Shopping Cart... Guys”. Okay, go!

(John and Roger push the cart off the roof, which results in Andy getting horribly injured)

Andy: Ow... ow... ow...

(Horrified groans)

Roger: Oh, my god!

John: Oh, my god, are you okay?!

Andy: I don't know... I don't know... Wha- what does it look like? Wha- what do I do? Wh- ahh!Ahh! What is that? What is- I feel something!

Simon: It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches!

Andy: I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm sca-(Throws up on Nick)

Nick: AHH! AHH! Oh, God!

Andy: Does this get fixed with ice or heat?

Simon: How would I know?

Nick: How would you not?!

Simon: Who am I, Karl Landsteiner? Discoverer of blood groups?

(Flashback to Simon covered in spaghetti and holding an ice pack against a black eye while John is kicking and crying on the floor)

John: You stupid jerkface! (Ranting unintelligibly)

Simon: Look, I’m sorry- AUGH!

(Simon gets cut off by John kicking him in the crotch)

(Flashback ends)

John: At least I still have my… pride…

Nick, to Andy and Roger: You guys are Scooby and Shaggy. You can search the bathrooms.

Nick, to John: Velma, you get the spooky looking fridge in the basement.

John: What? Why am I Velma? And why do I get the… dubious looking device?

Nick: Because only Velma would say “dubious device”. John gets the spooky fridge in the basement.

Roger: And what does that make you, Fred?

Simon: !

John: …Did you steal my chapstick?

Simon: Did- did I what?

John: My chapstick, Simon. Did you steal it?

Nick: John, for the love of God, not this again.

Simon: I- no, I didn’t steal your chapstick. We use the same chapstick.

John: No, there is absolutely no way we use the same chapstick, because it was only sold on one Etsy shop two years ago and they discontinued it, and I loved it so much that I bought the last of their stock, and I keep it in my freezer so it doesn’t go bad. It’s been discontinued for two years. No one uses the same chapstick for two years. So unless you’ve been eating a whole fuck ton of something that’s flavored like chocolate and popcorn, you absolutely stole my fucking chapstick.

Simon: Chocolate and popcorn?

Nick: Simon, what is it?

Simon: I kissed John.

Nick: Whoa…

Roger, trying to stabilize a tower of folding chairs that John is sitting atop: Oh, nothing much.