Idk what tf I’m doing

my lawyer told me "you're very honest in a way that I'd want you to talk in mediation but not in court" and I wasn't sure what that meant until 10 minutes later when I, completely unprompted, referred to myself as a "pathological responsibility hoarder" and immediately was like oh, okay, I get it now

You guys hear about that 18 month old baby at a zoo that wandered away from their parents (who were on their phones…), entered a restricted zone, stuck their hand into the wolf enclosure and got bit? The parents are being charged with child endangerment but what I want to know is why the fuck does this keep happening? You do not have to take your toddler to the zoo, especially a one and a half year old who is too young to fully appreciate the zoo. You could have stayed at home and scrolled on your phone while ignoring your baby in an environment containing 0 carnivorous apex predators. You would think the zoo would be one place parents feel the need to constantly supervise their kids but no, they’re like “Oh yeah, honey, go ahead and go swimming in the stingray tank, I’m going to play Candy Crush for 45 minutes.”

i think its funny how if you imagine something scary enough your brain starts treating it like its real and out to get you. its really cool and not annoying at all

gonna start reblogging this every time i start worrying about about the Scary Getter

I can’t sleep, I have to torture myself psychologically

Please keep interacting with this post because when I come to tumblr to procrastinate, this shows up again in my notifications and guilts me into writing again

I can tell my evil advisor has been feeling down lately so I've been pretending to take big sips from his cursed chalice and then roaming the palace grounds groaning and clutching my abdomen. Lowkey I know it's deceptive but I can tell it's really cheering him up. I heard him evilly cackle for the first time in weeks. WIBTA if I keep doing this

En Anglais, on ne dit pas “quatre vingt dix neuf”, on dit “ninety nine” qu'on pourrait traduire comme “Hurr durr, regardez mois, j'ai un système de numérotation fonctionnel” et je crois que c'est magnifique.

“In English, they don’t say “[four twenty ten nine]”, they say “ninety nine”, which roughly translates to, “Hurr durr, look at me, I have a functional numerical system” and I think that’s magnificent. 

the ashtrays in airplane bathrooms are a fascinating harm reduction metaphor. yes it's illegal as hell to smoke in there. yes there's a smoke detector that will snitch on you the second you light up. so why is there an ashtray? because if there weren't, your single momentary dumbass crime could kill 300 people. it is fucking vital that if someone does have a lit cigarette on a plane, they have a place to safely put it out.

keep thinking about how I wrote in my dissertation about how every time a new form of public/social space emerges it's immediately popular with kids and teenagers who see it as a chance at freedom and then adults colonise it and kick them out. this happened with malls in the 80s and diners in the 50s and pool halls in the 20s. my dad was doing research on this trend in like 1975. and I was like "yeah so this is going to happen to the internet" and then five years later every government suddenly decided to ban kids from everywhere online. I hate being right especially when I don't even get paid for it

love it when my fellow they/thems refer to themselves with gendered language specifically to make situations gayer and/or funnier.