kowai.

you ever think like you're in a much better place but then you just get the sudden urge to **** yourself all of a sudden bc everything would be much better that way.

but then you. feel like that would be selfish and you're scared of being judged and disliked and pitied even if you're no longer around.

also the repercussions and effects on family and friends and reputation and the negative thoughts you would have about your family because you think they would be more worried about what other people would think of them because of it.

and then you sit there and you're like why the fuck do I feel like this there's literally nothing wrong with my life and i should be grateful but I'm just a pessimistic piece of shit and I'm being dramatic and sensitive and it will pass.

But it just keeps coming back. and it's no longer like long periods of sadness or emptiness it's like periods of being okay and then just an errant thought- just an- what if I just- impulse. then its gone.

then you're moody and unresponsive for a week.