Cal Kestis

L O A D I N G : // …  8ABY : MONTH TWO … //

a brow arched at him for just a moment when he offered a warning to his next words, though as soon as he stepped forward, it was immediate obvious that he was doing. trilla let out a sigh that was just noisy enough to be dramatic in nature, though they don’t move to stop him. instead, they tense slightly only to ensure that she did not shift her weight too drastically to make it more difficult for him to get inside of the hammock with her. once he had settled in across from him, they drew their flesh leg up, crossing it on top of the opposite thigh to offer a little more room for him. it was big enough for them both to fit without a problem, but not enough to get away with no bodily contact.

“i’ve noticed. amazing what a difference it makes when i stop trying to screw you over, isn’t it?” there was a wry dryness to their tone, making light of it, though there was little doubt that she had dedicated herself to truly repenting for all that they had done in the past. as uncharacteristically shy as trilla felt at the prospect of actually acknowledging her emotions out loud, there was no sense in trying to deny that their dynamic had shifted rather drastically given where they had started. but there was also an obvious difference between them, still – he was a jedi and she was not. a beat passed. “i enjoy the time that we spend together. beyond just the younglings. but you have a loyalty to the order.”

as far as cal knows, neither of them are particularly prepared for what this is becoming. cal knows he’s not. with the republic having turned into the empire while he was so young, cal’s life has been full of trying to keep safe, hiding from the empire, from the inquisitors. and it’s not as though growing up within the order really.. prepared him for how he feels with trilla now. whatever they are, what they’re becoming, he figures they’re discovering it together. which is comforting in itself, for cal at least.

a slightly annoyed hmmm could be heard from the relative cocoon that they were caught up inside of, but there was no real irritation toward it, an act. trilla had put on the act for much longer than they had known him, but it had gradually chipped away, lost its edge and its efficiency. part of it was that she just couldn’t be that way with the younglings, but it ran deeper than that. she had grown tired of it all. they had never wanted to be that person to begin with, tortured and broken into it. it had been a very slow, painful realization that they did not have to be that way forever. it was not a life-sentence. even eighth knew that.

“and here i thought i was the cruel one,” they remarked, shifting just enough so that it was easier to peak their head out of the hammock and look at him. she wasn’t sure if he would fumble his way into the hammock with her, like they’d done with younglings, or stand there. “well, i suppose it’s one of the few instances where avoiding it may not help…” the sigh that followed their words was overdramatic. “but i’m not going first.”

there’s an ease to being around trilla now, something cal never thought he’d feel around them. something that’s.. grown so naturally over time, developed in a way he never could’ve expected but.. now can’t imagine not having. even the sound of annoyance she makes is different, no real edge or genuine annoyance behind it anymore. they’ve... changed, become another version of themselves - maybe not the version they were before the empire, but certainly not the version they made her either. and cal’s changed, too - it’s impossible not to, after everything. he just never figured that would.. bring them here.

          quinlan wasn’t sure how much cal had been told about what had happened to quinlan almost thirty years ago, but the kiffar had a feeling that since the whole thing was due to the council’s misguided belief that they had the upper moral ground, it wasn’t likely the situation would’ve been shared with anyone not directly involved. still quinlan would feel like he was lying if they never talked about it, later, a voice in the back of his head said. 

        another nod, and an overwhelming feeling of pride filling quinlan after cal’s words. and then finally they reach the source. and the closer to it, the stronger the pull, but also the bigger the worries. why does it desire to be held so badly? quinlan could not help but wonder. ❝do you have any idea what it might be?❞ quinlan asks taking a few tentative steps towards it, ❝cal, i— i don’t like keeping things from the order❞ he was talking mainly about obi-wan, possibly only about obi-wan, ❝but i have a feeling this not something we can share with the others, not until we know what it is, and why—❞ why the call feels so strong, and yet like what they are doing is not right. ❝we should take a look at it together but not right now, not when…❞ quinlan pointed towards the way the ballroom would be, ❝but we cannot leave it here.❞ 

approaching the item in question, the strange sensation gets stronger. the need to be held, to share whatever history it holds, cal can feel it basically bouncing around the room, trying to find a way to boar into his head, convince him to forget everything else going on and just focus on the item, but it’s not that simple. there’s a very real, very dangerous threat right outside, and they can’t just ignore that for whatever this is. still.. call follows quinlan’s lead, peering towards it without getting too close - cal knows, if he gets too close he won’t be able to resist.

@lcstpadawan​   //   cal kestis.

the deep night sky was sprinkled with stars and two full moons leaving more than enough light to navigate outside without eye strain. when it had been just her alone here, during stretches of nice weather, they had set up a hammock to enjoy the fresh air. trilla had several of them now for the younglings, but not exclusively for them. after they’d gotten back here, they’d both been preoccupied with tending to the younglings, even catching up with her own exhaustion. she’s not precisely happy with the new prosthetic that she had, but it was functional. plus, it had been funny to see the youngling’s reactions, given that she’d always concealed it from them. 

trilla could see him before they heard him, like a warm tickle in the back of their mind. she didn’t peak up from the cocoon of the hammock. “if you’re trapping me out here to talk because of how hard these are to get in and out of, that’s hardly fair.” defensiveness was still a default, though there was a lightness to their tone.

settling the younglings in is never really a chore, at the end of the day. cal likes the time he has with them, and it really is their biggest priority not only to protect the kids but to make sure they’re doing well, that they feel like this is what they want, the life they’re happy living. but today.. cal can’t help but want to wrap things up a little more quickly. it feels like the right time to talk about what happened. about what it means for them. what he.. wants it to mean. and hopefully what she wants it to mean.

           a smile that quinlan had intended would convey how glad they were to see cal again, turns sadder as the thoughts of everything he did against the order fill his mind, had cal know about his betrayal? when quinlan listed the people that had pulled him back from the dark side, the then padawan was featured in that list. shaking the thoughts away, quinlan focused on the present again, there would be time to talk about the past, he hoped, there was so much he wanted to ask cal, for now it would have to be enough that it looked like they had survived the slaughter of the jedi at the hand of the empire.

          ❝i- i don’t know what it is, or even what could it be❞ he had study plenty of artifacts in his time, the work he did for the order would often taken him across the galaxy, but the way everything seemed to pale in comparison to the need to reach the source of the call, it was nothing he had experience before. ❝it almost feels like its alive, doesn’t it?❞ quinlan asks, feeling like he can trust cal with his hesitation, ❝i worry we might not like what we find❞ the kiffar says with a nod and walks in the direction cal pointed.

no matter how many times cal comes across these situations, it doesn’t get any easier to manage the surprise. to see all these long dead jedi, those he’d grown up watching, believing in, learning from - seeing them now, after all he’s seen and learned and been through. quinlan, though... he seems closest to the nomadic jedi knight cal can remember, even if still a little different in the force, somehow. in a way cal’s familiar with, if he thinks too hard about it, but - now’s not the time.

hopefully they both make it out of here alive and he can ask about it later, maybe.

there’s a brief pause, and in that short moment, trilla’s heart was gripped with a fear that they had managed to ruin everything that they had managed to build in the last three years: enemies tasked with a similar goal, begrudgingly acquaintances, nearly friendship –– till that had taken a sharp left turn when they had nearly ruined it. but since then, it had taken a different change of pace. they had changed, learned how to be a person again, even if they were too stubborn to just make it easy for cal. but they were no longer just two people with a shared cause. they had become friends. she cared, as much as she claimed to hate it. but she didn’t hate the person that she’d become, even if they were occasionally sheepish about it, not in the way they loathed the person the empire had made them.

“don’t–” oh, it’s too late. cal had already managed to say something that she hated. the huff they let out wasn’t quite as dignified as she would have liked, nor was the awkward scoot of her foot closer to him so she’s not leaning toward him, but standing straight with a more natural balance. it just so happened to be slightly closer to him than before. “we still need to get out of here, and you’re still not carrying me.” at least she could still assert that piece of stubbornness. “new. that’s practically an insult. you could at least say it was nice.” for all of the changes that they had gone through, she still was no more adept at offering up vulnerability without an equal dose of defensiveness.

he knows saying something like that is going to make them react with a huff or a roll of her eyes or something, but cal can’t help it. this is new. not just for them but in general. it’s not like cal’s had the time to run around experimenting and finding out what - this kind of thing would be. not when you grow up a jedi. it’s just not part of life. and despite that, despite the great big unknown of all this, and despite the fact that he and trilla never could’ve imagined this being where their path would lead them.. it doesn’t feel scary, it doesn’t feel wrong or weird. not to cal, at least. and he hopes not to them, either.

          quinlan could sense obi-wan’s distress, somehow yelling at him through the force to just blast a damn hole on the armory did not seem to help dissipate his old friend’s concern. as much as the kiffar did not want to leave the battle, they knew that obi-wan was right, getting weapons to as many people as possible was their best shot. so quinlan reluctantly followed obi-wan’s force signature to the armory. except he never made it that far, as there was something stronger calling out for them.

         its an overwhelming feeling, and quinlan cannot walk away from it, its as if every cell in his body wants to find it, whatever it might be, because suddenly quinlan is in the middle of a hallway and the call is so overpowering that they almost miss another voice calling out to them. the force signature is so familiar even if the voice is one he’s never heard before, at least not like it sounds now. ❝cal?❞ quinlan asks and his voice is almost breaking, because little cal kestis is almost as old as him, ❝cal you’ve grown so much❞ but there would be time to reminisce later they hope, because if cal is here… ❝you feel it too, don’t you?❞ quinlan asks, their gift is after all not shared by many, and through it the force grants them things it does not to others.

in a different place and time, he might be inclined to stop and laugh, savour the moment of reuniting with yet another mentor. and quinlan certainly is a mentor, a unique one at that - their gift in the force is rare, cal’s never come across anyone else who has it except master voss. though, really, he had it first so it’s probably the other way around. “yeah, it’s.. been a while. i was bound to grow a little.” he says with a weak laugh, but his amusement doesn’t last long. between the chaos upstairs and the strange.. something calling to him down here, they have bigger priorities.

“you should tell that to your ruined jacket. i should’ve just let you wear a damn poncho.” he was still himself, despite it all. truthfully, it was having more of an effect on her than she wanted to admit. to stay open to the force, even recognizing that whatever those things were, they somehow could not be sensed in it… in a moment like this, it was painful. their body was still primed for action, her heart still pounded in her chest. he was grounding for her, stabilizing, beyond just the physical grip of her hand on his arm, and his on hers.

another weary glance is given at the blood. most of it did look like it had already dried into the fabric, and a proper healing trance would probably be sufficient, but that required safety, stability, none of which was offered here. from the looks of things, they were both lucky to be alive. that wasn’t something that they could ignore. “cal,” they started and stopped, taking an unsteady breath. it wasn’t common she actually called him by his first name. “you could have died. even their weapons were unlike anything that i’ve ever seen. i’m not underestimating you, i’m…” using my eyes was what they wanted to say. something objective, logical. but it wasn’t that straightforward for her anymore. he wasn’t just anyone in the midst of all of this. before she could stop and convince herself that it was a horrible idea, trilla tightened their grip on his arm, and kissed him.

“maybe next time you’ll listen to me and let me wear what i want. might even let me bring bd-1 to things like this.” he points out with a sense of amusement - as if it’s ever going to happen, despite the fact that the droid would no doubt be useful if he were here. there’s no real heat behind his words though, he just wants to try and ease some of trilla’s concern over his injury. it’s not ideal, and he’s sure it’s going to hurt like hell later, but for the time being the bleeding’s slowed and he can manage without fussing over it too much. he just needs to focus on getting trilla somewhere safe and figuring out what they do next.

the armoury. that’s what cal rushed down here looking for. so far he’s managed to make it relatively unscathed, but he can only defend himself without a weapon for so long. and - well, making this lightsaber was hard enough given the circumstances, cal’s hardly going to leave without it. why is this place like a goddamn maze? he thinks as he hurries down the stairs to the the lower floor, trying to figure out where they would’ve kept the lightsabers, when something calls to him.

survival had been the utmost priority. it had been a long time since trilla had been able to do that in a way that did not immediately sabotage those around her for their own personal gain, and there was something gratifying about that –– but little time to feel anything other than the adrenaline buzzing underneath their skin. slowing down with a wobbling, splintering cane only allow for it to begin to set in. but much of it felt drowned out by the relief of seeing cal in one piece, even if they can see the deep maroon stain of his jacket. far from a graze, but at least his arm was still attached to his body.

“i’m fine, it was just the prosthetic.” even if her prosthetic had been expensive and well-maintained, it was replaceable. the woman who had watched her remove it seemed more disturbed than they felt. despite her verbal denial, as cal came nearer, trilla did reach out, gripping onto his non-injured shoulder for a sense of better stability. “what? kriff, no, you’re not carrying me. don’t be ridiculous. i’m not a child and you’ll hurt yourself with your shoulder like that.” they’re defensiveness is normal, the open concern was… becoming it, but still not quite there. her heart was still beating rapidly, cheeks flushed. she wasn’t used to being overwhelmed, not like this. a sense of panic threatened the base of her throat and she swallowed the sudden lump. “you can’t keep bleeding like that, you’re going to faint.”

cal’s expecting the exact response he gets from trilla if he’s being honest, so it doesn’t come as a surprise. if there wasn’t such panic and fear in the air around them he’d probably laugh - with everything going on, he just manages a small smile at their words. he’s pretty sure if trilla let herself be carried out he’d never hear the end of it. and - well, okay, he probably shouldn’t carry anyone in his current condition, but he’d rather risk a little harm to his shoulder than risk anything happening to her because of her leg.

@lcstpadawan​   //   cal kestis.

it felt like everything had happened all at once. there had not been time to stop or think, to look for anyone specific –– only to survive, to help others do the same, and to fight back. that instinct had come naturally. trilla had only been slowed down by the destruction of their prosthetic leg, wearily using the broken leg of a high-top table as a cane to move. but her motivation to move rose once again when she saw him, inhaling sharply and ignoring the skip of her heart beating in her chest, moving as quickly as their body would allow them to over toward him. “you’re hurt.” it’s an accusation, like the words might serve as an insult. “how badly?”

sometimes the galaxy and whatever seems to power it is a real asshole. for a long time now, the scar on his shoulder has served as a good reminder of the life he’d been fortunate enough to escape, a reminder of vader’s torture and what he would have taken, had cal broken and turned to the dark side. to feel one of those staffs shear right through his shoulder at that exact spot feels like someone’s playing a joke on him - but cal can’t afford to get lost thinking about that now. this is definitely not the time to get trapped reliving that point in his life, he can process it later. maybe.

“it would be,” she says, & she tries not to sound too wistful. there’s a selfish part of her that’s glad cal drops the subject, if only so that it doesn’t become painfully aware that she’s desperately dreaming of that impossible day, too. if this was a galaxy where everyone got what they deserved, it would come, she thinks, at least for cal. but that’s not this galaxy. “i’m still trying to decide what i think of this new order,” she admits, biting her lip slightly. “but … one day, i think it would be nice to teach.” she had always wanted to, when she was younger. “it’s alright, cal. i do want to hear your opinion. it’s … important to me.”

it took a remarkable amount of self-control to keep theirself from spiraling about this further than what they already had. controlling her emotions was something that she had unwillingly become good at, learning how to suppress it –– that wasn’t a lesson that she had learned from cere, no. cere had taught her how to use her emotions to her advantage, how to use them to take care of those around her. that was what they were doing now, here, with the younglings. the empire had forced that into her when they had stolen her name and given her a number. she needed to be rational about this. living life on the run after the rift had brought her back had not been in their best interest. but it had kept her safe. kept her alive. 

“i don’t know.” three quiet words, three words that every piece of their being loathed to admit. trilla wanted to know all of the answers, all of the time –– found it easier to lie and pretend she knew something, then go back and figure it out later, rather than admit that they didn’t know. a fatal flaw, one that she wasn’t willing to let hurt the younglings. “i know that tracking us here would be virtually impossible. maybe we should be slightly more connected out here. enough that we can know what’s going on out there.” when they had first settled on the backwater planet, they had made sure to keep theirself cut off. no commlinks, no holopads, nothing. it wasn’t as extreme now, but the evidence of what it had been was clear. she took a deep breath, letting it out a sigh. this was certainly going to be a bruise to their ego. “maybe you’re right not to cut yourself off from everyone and everything.” she could probably handle the fallout of that statement. probably.

it’s not his intention to freak trilla out, of course, but cal can’t help but try and prompt them to think a little deeper on what they’re saying. relocating all the younglings now, when they’re finally settling, isn’t really ideal. especially not when they know the kids are safe here. that doesn’t mean there aren’t some things they can do differently or better, but uprooting everything now isn’t ideal. he hopes trilla can see that.

         the concept of starting over was still very hard for obi-wan to wrap his head around, rebuilding, specially with all the changes going around. for him it’s only been months since he was in a council meeting detailing the plans for their attack on geonosis. after the initial shock had passed, obi-wan scoffed at the realization of why the separatists had known their exact plan. and now, now he felt out of place, as if he wasn’t worth keeping around. these people, cal, ahsoka, luke, every force sensitive that had survived the empire deserved a place in this new order far more that obi-wan. he truly believed they were not only the future of the order, but the reason they were still standing. 

       ❝kestis❞ obi-wan greeted the jedi with a smile. it had been an easy choice to side with cal when the topic of ensuring the safety of the younglings was brought up, sure there was the topic of them not actually knowing where they were to be kept, but obi-wan believed trust had to be earned, and if they wanted the new generation to trust the old, then they had to give them the same courtesy. maybe it was his guilt at having abandoned the remaining jedi and force sensitives to be hunted by the empire for two decades while he was in exile, but obi-wan felt his contribution should be as backup. 

       ❝i might have arrived a bit early but i needed to get out of yavin❞ obi-wan said with a relaxed tone and a dismissive hand gesture, ❝no problem❞ he reassured the young jedi, ❝we will provide anything you might need, including extra hands if you need them, it doesn’t have to be ours❞ obi-wan said meaning the other members of the order, not everyone had decided to return or join, but if cal trusted any of them so would obi-wan. ❝how are things going? younglings can be a handful at times…❞

it’s hard not to get overwhelmed in these situations. obi-wan kenobi is a legend, a hero, the jedi master known for being one of the most skilled and incredible in the order, back during the clone wars. the general who could often do what no one else could. to even be at the point of working with him like this, to be able to experience this as a jedi, not as a tiny padawan still learning the basics in the midst of a war. it’s.. surreal, and cal’s doing his best to remember he’s come a long way since then. that he’s.. earned this, to some degree.

it was uncanny to find comfort in the presence of another, even if cal had become the exception to quite a few things in their life. the last time that trilla had truly trusted someone like that had been cere, and she had never been able to entirely forgive what her master had done. a few seconds of closure were not equivocal to years of suffering. they needed more from her, and the emperor’s rift had not granted them that much. but cal wasn’t cere, he certainly wasn’t her master. she knew that. it was the reason that she had let him get this close in the first place.

a deep breath pulled in through their nose, willing her heart to slow down a bit. she hadn’t realized that it was beating faster in the first place, blaming it simply on the tense stress that all of this had brought upon them. “nothing natural,” trilla assumed, unaware of any reported contradicting information. natural disasters happened all the time, even on large scales, but never in her life had there been something like this. “the younglings don’t know anything happened. none of them were able to sense it.” a good thing for them, certainly, to not have such a deep attachment to the force at their age. they didn’t know how they would have handled a cacophony of agonized children. “we’re ill-equipped out here, if something were to happen. maybe bringing them here wasn’t a good idea.” being cut-off from so much had seemed like a good thing at first, a safety measure, but now she wasn’t as convinced.

the way things have been for these past few years, cal’s learned to take the small mercies he can. knowing trilla’s alright - if a little shaken - is one. knowing the younglings are alright, that they didn’t feel it themselves, is another. he’s not sure any of them are particularly ready for such young beings, so new to the force, to feel something so wrenching and catastrophic. and of course they’d manage, but.. they don’t need to add to everything already going on. they need a break, too. god knows the both of them have had their ups and downs for - for too long, now. and having the younglings here, in a place that was their safe haven for such a long time.. cal can’t even imagine how it feels.

they smile gently, sympathetic. “i think everybody feels that way,” they say with a shrug. “i can’t blame you for it.” they can talk big game about patience, but it won’t change their own hurt & frustration with their healing process. giving advice has always been easier than following it. they hope that the words they have to offer can still help cal, though, as impossible as it sometimes seems. they shake their head, doing their best to make sure that their fond smile doesn’t fade. “oh, i don’t know about that. you’d expect a jedi master to be able to do a little more with the force than i can.”