Lavender

It’s a question that plagued me for years- I saw the strong hands and forearms of a foodrunner at an old job, watched him clear my 30+ pound trays with ease, and concluded I am attracted to physical strength.

I stopped in my tracks at a police officer approaching me jauntily at the scene of a car wreck, doing my best to keep cool, trying to hide my beet-red blush in the flaring red lights, and concluded I am attracted to confidence, and a dominant stature.

There was a paramedic I met in my youth that supervised me, and I ached oh-so-unprofessionally to run my hands over those strong shoulders, back sore from loading the stretcher for me single-handedly so I had time to finish my reports, and concluded I was attracted to chivalry.

I wondered aloud many times if I were, in fact, just attracted to men. After all, I like all of these masculine traits, right? Deep down, I MUST be a little bi. My foray into sex work exposed me to much more testosterone than I’d bargained for- leaving me exhausted at the end of every day. Emotionally, I was numb. My six inch heels and gunpowder eyeshadow didn’t make me feel beautiful anymore, they made me feel terribly sick and terribly tired. But there came a day where I met her, and it changed me. The first masculine woman I was ever with was breathtaking. Slender, wiry arms, big hands covered in tiny scars, and a smile that brought me to my knees combined with all those qualities I’d found independently attractive, now made whole. She took me out, brought me flowers, paraded me around in those same stilettos, and I’d never felt lovelier. It was then that I realized that my attraction to masculinity is not an attraction to men- it isn’t even close. 

For any young queer women out there wondering the same thing, I urge you to examine what exactly your personal cravings are, and remember that it takes time. We’re never truly done growing or learning about ourselves, and there is no set moment in time where the clock runs out and you have to choose one singular label RIGHT NOW! As for me, I know who I am after years of introspection and experimentation with one too many trouser snakes.

I’m a lesbian, through and through, and I’ve got a penchant for back massages. 

Wishing you clarity and acceptance,

“You don’t look gay!”

“What? But you’re so pretty!”

    There are so many assumptions about sapphic women I wish I could change, but if I had a nickel for every time I’ve been told I don’t look gay because I fit an arbitrary standard of beauty, I’d have a lot of nickels.

    People outside the community seem to think I should take this as a compliment, but really what they’re doing is saying, I believe that lesbianism is ugly, and you are the exception to this rule. It’s distressing, to say the least, to see this hatred of gay women bleed into what The Straights (TM) think is acceptable, regular conversation. No, I won’t take that as a compliment, because it isn’t one. It’s an insult to me and every woman like me, rooted in homophobia from years past, rooted in the assumption that lesbians are morally dirty, that our lives and very souls are ugly. Telling a woman of color that she’s “pretty for a black girl” isn’t really calling her pretty; it’s calling other WOC inherently undesirable. The same goes for us. 

    Sure, fine- you can have the benefit of a doubt- let’s say the intentions were good. You didn’t mean to insult me or my culture of women who love freely. But you did. The intentions don’t absolve the act- you tell me I’m good looking, but you compare me to the butches you associate with queerness and you shun them for their disregard of femininity. You’ve insulted my community, and you’ve insulted the women I love, calling masculine women ugly because they are masculine while you call me beautiful solely because I am not. It’s a thinly-veiled barb at masculine women, and at lesbianism as a whole. Do not qualify your praises nor your criticisms- celebrate queer women without conditions, lift us up and show us we are seen- and yes, that applies to every fat, butch, black, disabled, trans, and otherwise lesbian out there. It applies to all of us. We are deserving of respect regardless of our level of perceived conformity.

Wishing you love and respect, and a lack of conditions.