Itâs a question that plagued me for years- I saw the strong hands and forearms of a foodrunner at an old job, watched him clear my 30+ pound trays with ease, and concluded I am attracted to physical strength.
I stopped in my tracks at a police officer approaching me jauntily at the scene of a car wreck, doing my best to keep cool, trying to hide my beet-red blush in the flaring red lights, and concluded I am attracted to confidence, and a dominant stature.
There was a paramedic I met in my youth that supervised me, and I ached oh-so-unprofessionally to run my hands over those strong shoulders, back sore from loading the stretcher for me single-handedly so I had time to finish my reports, and concluded I was attracted to chivalry.
I wondered aloud many times if I were, in fact, just attracted to men. After all, I like all of these masculine traits, right? Deep down, I MUST be a little bi. My foray into sex work exposed me to much more testosterone than Iâd bargained for- leaving me exhausted at the end of every day. Emotionally, I was numb. My six inch heels and gunpowder eyeshadow didnât make me feel beautiful anymore, they made me feel terribly sick and terribly tired. But there came a day where I met her, and it changed me. The first masculine woman I was ever with was breathtaking. Slender, wiry arms, big hands covered in tiny scars, and a smile that brought me to my knees combined with all those qualities Iâd found independently attractive, now made whole. She took me out, brought me flowers, paraded me around in those same stilettos, and Iâd never felt lovelier. It was then that I realized that my attraction to masculinity is not an attraction to men- it isnât even close.Â
For any young queer women out there wondering the same thing, I urge you to examine what exactly your personal cravings are, and remember that it takes time. Weâre never truly done growing or learning about ourselves, and there is no set moment in time where the clock runs out and you have to choose one singular label RIGHT NOW! As for me, I know who I am after years of introspection and experimentation with one too many trouser snakes.
Iâm a lesbian, through and through, and Iâve got a penchant for back massages.Â
Wishing you clarity and acceptance,