summary | Reader wants to forget her first kiss. How about a redo?
pairing | James Potter x fem!reader
warning | one mention of vomiting, but not described, mention of kissing snape, probably grammar mistakes, she/her pronouns for reader
a/n: This is silly. I've been proofreading this for weeks, and I feel like this is bad... Also, sorry for the grammar mistakes, i hope there aren't too many... Anyway, let me know what you think, I hope you enjoy! Have a lovely day xx
I just wanted to let you know, that this is a side blog, so unfortunately I can't reply to your comments, but I see them all! I appreciate it so much, you have no idea how happy your comments make me! âĽď¸
James has been observing her ever since she arrived to study. She's acting weird again, deep in her thoughts, barely paying attention to what James is saying. Chewing on her lips, she furrows her eyebrows. If somebody saw her, they'd think she is concentrating on the books and papers scattered around them on the bed. But James knows her more than anyone.
"Y/N?" he calls for her but she doesn't move. "Hey, Are you listening to me?" he asks but still, no reaction. Only when he snatches the book from her hands she looks up at him.
"Tell me," he says quietly, moving closer to her. "Tell me what's bothering you."
Y/n sighs, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt as she avoids looking at the boy. How does he do this? How does he always know? Maybe he can read minds now and forgot to tell her. It's upsetting and calming at the same time, that she doesn't have to say a word because this is James, and James always just knows.
"Don't says it's nothing 'cause I know it's not true," he groans. "You always do this Y/N! You know I can tell when something's wrong, so why are you acting like I don't?"
"But it is, James!" she finally looks at him, cheeks flushed from embarrassment. James looks at her lovingly and pulls her into a hug. It annoys James how she belittles her problems and tries to shut him off or how she feels embarrassed to talk to him, even though he reassures her every time, that she can tell him anything.
"It's clearly bothering you, so it can't be silly. And what if it is silly? I don't care."
"You're going to laugh at me," she murmurs, burying her head into his chest.
"I won't," he smiles at her, enjoying the way she fits into his arms. "You can hex me if I laugh."
"Promise?" she giggles, looking up at him, and James feels his heart grow twice in size.
"Promise," he kisses her forehead, and that's all Y/N needs. Of course, she knows James would never ever laugh at her, especially if it's something that is bothering her. It's not like they never talk about this kind of stuff, quite the opposite, actually. But Y/N lied to him about it, she lied to the others too, and she's afraid James will be sad if he finds out. He's always so honest and kind with her, why did she lie about this?
"You also have to promise me, that you won't get mad at me," she whispers. She can feel James tense up against her, and she squeezes her eyes shut. He pushes her away gently, trying to see her face.
"Y/N, you are scaring me. What is it?"
"You know how last week we were talking with the others? At the party?" He only nods, his fingers caressing the skin on her wrists, trying to calm her nerves. "And I said I've never, uhm. Ihaveneverkissedanyoneandiliedimsorry"
"I couldn't understand a single word Y/N," he says, searching for her eyes, but she's looking everywhere except him.
"I lied to you. And to the others. I said I've never kissed anyone, but that's not true," Y/N sighs. " I know you hate when people lie, and I'm sorry. I know I'm being silly."
It's true, James hates lying more than anything, especially if the lie is unnecessary, like this one. But this is Y/N who lied, and James could never be mad at her, even if he wanted to. What annoys him is that James knows how important The first kiss is for Y/N. She wanted it to be romantic and with someone she loves, and trusts. She always talks about her romance books and how she dreams of a relationship like that. She tells him everything. So why did she lie about something this important to her?
"So, uhm, who? Who was it?" he asks and his stomach twists, suddenly. Does he truly want to know? Of course, he does, Y/N is his best friend, and he wants to know everything. But then her cheeks flush even more, her lips turn downwards and she lowers her head even further, hiding behind her hair, and James doesn't want to know anymore.
"Severus," she whispers. James doesn't move at all, as Y/N waits for a response, and she knows she messed up. James and Severus are âenemies', he claimed a year ago, and while Y/N finds it childish, James takes this rivalry very, very seriously, and so does Severus. She's convinced, that they don't even hate each other at all, they are just bored and too stubborn to get over it.
James is confused. Snape? Out of all the people that could have been her first kiss, she chose Snape? It literally could have been anyone. James is a thousand percent sure that half of the school would die to kiss her, and she chose that boy? His jaw clenches as he thinks through his words, his stomach tightening with every ticking second. What the hell are you supposed to say when the girl you love and care about kisses someone you cannot stand? If he didn't actually hate Snape before, he definitely hates him now. He did not deserve to be Y/N's first kiss.
Y/N watches as James furrows his eyebrows, trying to digest her words. Her palms are sweaty as her heart beats in her throat. She knew how James feels about Snape, and she still lied to him. She should have just told him right away, maybe he would have been less angry.
"Please say something," she whispers. She never meant to hurt James or make him feel like she was going against him. James clears his throat and lets go of Y/N's hands to scratch the back of his neck. She put him in an uncomfortable situation, and now, he's mad, she thinks.
"Why- I'm sorry if- okay," he stutters. "Y/N, I'm sorry if I made you feel like you couldn't tell me this." Although he wishes he could go back in time and never talk about this. The image of Snape kissing Y/N, his Y/N, invades every part of his brain, mocking him, that it's Snape instead of... "Just because I can't stand him, it doesn't mean that you can't, uhm. It doesn't mean that you can't...like him."
"What? Oh no. Merlin no! I don't like him."
"You don't?" he asks confused, and she shakes her head.
"I didn't tell you because - well because itâs Severus. And, you know, this is not what I imagined. I wanted my first kiss to be perfect. Well, not perfect, but romantic? And this was everything but romantic," she rambles nervously, while James relaxes, like all the weight of the world has been lifted off his shoulders. She doesnât like Snape.
"Why did you kiss him then?" This may be another question he doesn't want to know the answer to, but he needs to know.
"Uh, I didn't kiss him. We were at the party after the last quidditch game and he came up to me," she explains. "I didn't want to be rude, so I just talked to him but then he started to get closer. And then one thing happened after another, and he just kissed me. And I let him. "
"O-okay," James feels sick but doesn't move. "I'm not sure I understand why you lied, though. You didn't do anything bad."
"I know, I know. When it happened, I thought I shouldn't think about my first kiss as some sacred and important event in my life cause there was no chance it would be like that. But now I regret it. It could have been at least with someone I trust. I just want to act like it never happened. So I haven't told anyone. I wish it didn't happen like that. It's stupid, I know. I should have thought it through." She's still looking down at her hands, avoiding eye contact as she waits for James to tell her she's silly. To scold her for acting without thinking.
"I see," he takes a deep breath before continuing. "Well, if that makes you feel better, my first kiss was horrible too."
"Oh please, I know you are only saying that to make me feel better."
"Eh, not really. I was a little bit tipsy when it happened. Sirius made me drink fire whiskey, and you know how my stomach can't really take it. So when Ella kissed me, I got nervous and, well, I threw up all over the floor," he says, cheeks turning pink as she lets out a small gasp. "But I don't think she can remember. She was pretty drunk too, and she just started dancing. It was weird."
"That does make me feel a little better," she admits, and James laughs. Yeah, he thought it would. He doesn't care about his own first kiss, to be honest. But Y/N talked about it so many times. She doesn't deserve this. Her first kiss should be something she would never regret. She's rambling on now, but he can't hear her, too deep in thought and too enchanted by the way she looks in his bed, with her cheeks flushed. She's so beautiful. Y/N's the most important person in his life, and every day he tries to make sure she's happy. Because she deserves it, she deserves the world.
"I have an idea," he says suddenly. "Since you and I both had a horrible first kiss. How about we forget it ever happened," he speaks slowly, scared of Y/Nâs reaction. Y/Nâs not sure she understands. James has kissed many people, so it's easy for him to forget and act like another was his first.
"And how about we re-do it?"
"Yeah. With someone - with someone we trust," James watches her intently as her eyes widen, and James can see the slightest spark in them. Maybe it's not just him who can feel this pull between them. James raises a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear and cup her jaw. "I trust you, Y/N. I trust you with my whole being. Do you trust me?"
"Yes. I trust you, James," she whispers.
"Will you be my first kiss then?" he asks. "And may I be your first kiss?" Y/N nods eagerly.
He can see her chest rising and falling rapidly as her breathing quickens and his hands shake against her jaw. James leans in closer and places a gentle kiss on her left cheek. Then another and another, inching closer to her lips, Y/N closes her eyes, waiting for him. But James moves to her left side and repeats the action. He litters her face in tiny kisses, and he can feel her skin heat up more and more under his lips. His lips brush against Y/Nâs as he waits for a second, giving her a chance to change her mind. But she doesnât move, as her hands clench the hem of Jamesâ shirt, and thatâs all James needs.
Heâs gentle and slow with the kiss, making sure that the feeling of her is engraved into every inch of his burning skin. It's unexpected, the heavy warmth that spreads across his chest, when Y/N sighs into the kiss. He's lightheaded and dizzy, and he needs something to keep him grounded, so his left hand makes its way to the nape of her neck, while the other grabs her waist and pulls her closer.
"James," she sighs again and James needs to use all of his strength not to moan. He breaks the kiss but neither of them move as they stare at each other in silence. Something is different in the way that James looks at her and Y/N's eyes sparkle, more than usual. His hands shift back to her jaw, and his thumb swipe over her bottom lip.
It's not surprising for James, how he reacts to all this, but it's still new, still exciting, still scary. What should he do? He wants to kiss her again, he needs to kiss her again, or else he might starve to death. It was supposed to be one kiss, to redo their firsts, but now he wants to redo all of his kisses, until the only thing he can remember is Y/N's sweet taste. He wants to tell her how he feels, how he has always felt. He wants to show her that she deserves the world, and everything she's ever dreamed of.
And, as if she could read his mind, her lips find their way back to his, pushing all the worries out of his head and he lets himself get lost in her.
