laurie

im trying to find some sort of meaning for this but im failing miserably 

maybe ill turn this account back in to something art or poetry related 

your breath smells like vodka, and while i appreciate that you have the privilege of drinking and keeping it under control, i don’t.

and as my mother i hoped that maybe you could have the decency to not drink in my face while i’m getting sober.

every word that comes out of my mouth angers you, turns you into flying rage. what did i ever do wrong?

i told you to keep the alcohol away from me, and all of a sudden it’s my fault i have a drinking problem. like i didn’t drink to fill the void that your lack of validation gave me. like you’re not the one who makes me miserable.

i don’t really know what to say but i know that i want to say something. i’ve been sober for over twenty days which is the longest i think in over a year. i’m not complaining because i feel so much more grounded and healthy. but fuck, i forgot how bad it is to not be able to completely numb my emotions.

my thoughts are ever consuming and the mountain of appointments only seem to make things worse. 

i’m slowly getting back to my ‘normal’ life. going back to school, getting back into activism, seeing my friends. but it all feels so dull.

it’s like i’m not even me, i’m just watching my life unfold, like it’s fictional.

there are moments when it’s good, and i’m grateful to be sober. it was the first day of spring the other day, and you could tell. the sun was shining and it was so nice and warm. i felt so happy and i could just feel the warmth radiating on my skin. i knew if i was drunk i wouldn’t have been able to feel it. but i was sober, and i could actually feel things enough to enjoy the weather.

but there are just moments when it’s so not good. responsibilities pile up and so does the stress. the whole world becomes overwhelming and terrifying, and i would do anything for a drink. i crave the familiarity of locking myself in my room, lying in bed with a bottle of vodka, drowning out everything.

i guess this is a whole new concept to me- being sober. so i need to get used to the constant buzz in my head telling me i need a drink.

haven’t come to a meeting in a while. back st the one i started with. it’s my first time here sober which is a gratifying experience.

i came here from therapy and that appointment was good as well. i’m about to start day-hab which is kind of like rehab but during the day so it’s more laid back and casual. we agreed this is the best program for me to do seeing as i’ve already detoxed.

it’s a lovely sunny day and for once i can actually feel the warmth on my skin and life feels so much more real and in the moment.

i’m an activist, it’s what i do. i delve into politics, organise rallies and fight for the rights of those oppressed. my entire identity is based around my effort to help people.

recently though, i haven’t been too active. my mental health and alcoholism have become the consuming factors of my life, inhibiting my ability to fight.

but today i went to a rally. whilst it was incredibly overwhelming and a little hard to handle, i was proud.

i’m not allowed to sleep in my bedroom anymore, i can’t go bathroom with the door fully closed, i have to be supervised using anything remotely sharp and i’m breathalysed every hour on the hour.

i’m not allowed to go to school either, i’m just stuck on my make do mattress outside my parents room all day so they can watch me constantly.

there is no trust at all, i destroyed it.

so i’m sitting in the waiting room at the doctors after my relapse last night and there’s this girl, maybe two years old staring at me.

she looks so happy and carefree, waddling around the place, laughing to herself.

that was me fourteen years ago.

fourteen years ago i was whole rather than broken and life was not a struggle i had to face every day.

i had no clue what was in store for me.

i spent five days sober, repressing the turmoil and pretending i was okay, but tonight it became too much and i broke.

i searched high and low through my house and consumed what little alcohol i could find.

i relapsed.

the disappointment i feel within myself is devastating and inherently consuming.

i thank my god that i only had access to a small amount, i don’t want to even think about how much worse it could have been.

i let down my loved ones, my friends and most importantly myself.

i want so badly to give up and give in, allow my life to revolve around alcohol, but there is too much good in my life, to not try with every inch of myself to recover.

so i will start again tomorrow with 1 day sober.

i feel sick. actually, sick is an understatement. my body is longing for alcohol in a way that i can’t bear to endure. i would give anything for that burning in my throat and buzzing in my head.

not only are the withdrawals fucking with me, but mentally, i am struggling just as much. i think today is the longest i’ve been sober in quite a while. i forgot how bad the pain is of not being able to numb my emotions.

every feeling of anxiety, every bad thought in my head and every little inkling of sadness is overbearing. i don’t know how i dealt with this before i started drinking, it is truly agonising.

my whole life i have jumped from one self destructive coping mechanism to another, and nothing has worked as good as alcohol has. and now that’s gone.

i want to scream, cry and die all at once.

god i am i intoxicated, way too intoxicated to type properly so please deal with my shitty spelling.

this morning before the meeting i saw my psychologist and for the first time since i started drinking, i opened up. i talked about my drinking and how it’s controlling my life.

we made the decision to tell my parents and are now looking at youth rehab services. i headed to my second aa meeting after the appointment.

i got there early so went around to the side of the building and finished off my vodka. once i start i cannot stop so wow did i drink too much.

i was half asleep and zoned out for majority of the meeting and once it was over a** asked if i wanted to get coffee but i explained i was way too drunk to even fucking walk.

so instead, they all sat with me until my dad came to get me. i talked complete nonsense, being totally off my head.

i told them i reached our for help and now we’re looking at rehab and they were all so happy for me which made me feel proud.

the meeting gave me this sense of belonging and just like last week, i left with a sense of confidence about getting help.