Last of the Dreamers;

I turn 28 in two weeks and I’m here on tumblr thinking about how life sucks. Guess some things don’t change...

One day I'd like to wake up knowing that my mind won't betray me, that I won't overthink. It won't take me to the dark corners I don't like to think about. Today has been a mentally challenging day, I was in a low mood already and felt ashamed of myself but today's date was triggering and feel like I'm struggling. Just keep trying to tell myself it's okay to be sad sometimes...

Haven't been on here for a while but I don't know where else to vent at the moment. My Nana passed away on Saturday night and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it, I'm sad but my Mum keeps looking at me like I'm not sad enough. Believe me I cried, I had one good cry in the bath. I certainly don't feel good. And yet because I'm not open with my emotions and walk around carrying on like I would do from day to day, I feel like I'm being scrutinised for it! My Nana died. A woman who loved us died. A woman we loved died. A woman we've known all of our lives died. Of course it's painful and sad and I'm hurting but everybody grieves in their own way but my way is apparently wrong. I don't need the feeling of guilt on top of it all... I shouldn't be feeling guilty for not being 'sad' enough.

Spent £25.99 on an outfit for an interview next week (which is honestly a bargain) fingers crossed I get the job now as it’s £25.99 out of my pocket that I’ll never see again! 😭

I hate TAX codes. Just started a new job and received my first months payslip from them, so I assume I’ve been given emergency tax as I’ve been taxed £66! That’s all my overtime and more! Makes me feel like I did extra shifts for no reason. But no I did all those extra shifts just to make sure I get paid my BASIC pay (actually £4 less). FFS. I hope you’re happy you robbing bastards.

I really don't understand why people count their relationships by the month! "It's our monthaversary" etc. If every month you're with someone is an achievement you can't have been very successful beforehand. It's like I've been with Matt 5 years, but even then it could be 6 years. We haven't counted once and don't even do the whole annual anniversary thing. I don't see why you have to congratulate yourself for being able to love another human being and for being faithful to them, it's not that difficult.

Honestly don’t know why I even bother to open my mouth to talk at home. I always get talked over, ignored or my point is completely disregarded. Or the person I’m talking to cuts me off halfway through to start a new conversation in general or with someone else. Even worse they actually walk away whilst I’m still talking. And people wonder why I don’t even talk to them, why I don’t tell them anything. I’m shocked when someone actually gives me the time of day.