You Can't Accuse Me of Murder! I'm like, 8!

"I do not wish to be in le monde du crime. I want to be...a director!"

"There are tons of famous criminal directors! You can have it all, Francois! In fact, sometimes you have to commit tax fraud to direct. Are you even prepared to commit tax fraud?"

He shrugs in a blazee-da kind of way "Well I can't do it with my own kids."

"But aren't you kinda like, everybody's dad? I look up to you like a dad."

"The fuck is a homelander?"

"A bad guy. I don't know, you brought it up!"

"Call him! Do it, I dare you! It's not even the worst thing I've ever done, allegedly! My dad taught me all thirteen swear words, and the three secret ones he said are only for emergencies."

Dad Asparagus holds his barbeque tongues threateningly at Laura "Wanna use one now?"

"You're threatening an 8 year old?!" Laura gasped, blinking until tears came to her eyes. "Mr. Junior's Dad, that's so mean. I didn't even say any of them."

"That's why I'm asking!" He grins happily

"You know, Junior's just as bad as I am. He knows like, at least twelve of those swear words." Laura pouted.

"Call him! Do it, I dare you! It's not even the worst thing I've ever done, allegedly! My dad taught me all thirteen swear words, and the three secret ones he said are only for emergencies."

Dad Asparagus holds his barbeque tongues threateningly at Laura "Wanna use one now?"

"You're threatening an 8 year old?!" Laura gasped, blinking until tears came to her eyes. "Mr. Junior's Dad, that's so mean. I didn't even say any of them."

"Call him! Do it, I dare you! It's not even the worst thing I've ever done, allegedly! My dad taught me all thirteen swear words, and the three secret ones he said are only for emergencies."

The little blueberry sighed dramatically "A lesson I have, malheursement, learned, how you say, the hard way. Leave me here to die."

Laura considered the offer, but she still need Francois for the crime ring. "Okay, well, you could do that, or... we could make some Christmas cookies! To make you feel better. Or find some. Or steal some."

"Oooh!" He popped back up "The kind with little sprinkles?"

"Brother, we'll get you the kind with the little sprinkles, and the kind with lots of colored sugar. And even the beautiful, elusive, frosted cookies. The ones we aren't supposed to touch."

"Oh, life is worth living, Laura! Where do we find les cookies?"

"That's the best part. This time of year, everyone's got cookies. Fresh baked." she rolled out blueprints she apparently had this entire time. "We'll have to... break in."

"JUNIOR, NO! YOU CAN'T SHAKE IT, IT'LL EXPLODE!" She shrieked, diving behind a couch. "Throw it as far as you can Junior! Quickly!"

“Ahhhh!” Junior let out what could only be referred to as a war cry, throwing the gift as far as aparagusly possible.

To Laura's credit, as the box landed quite some ways away, it did explode with smoke and confetti. Nothing too dangerous, of course. She stood up and exited from behind the couch, laughing. "Oh! You should've seen your face! Ha! But look how cool that was!"

“Hey! I could have DIED!” He would not have.

"Oh, I wouldn't kill you. I still need you! We have more crimes to do, Junior. Besides, c'mon, you're just jealous you didn't think of it first."

The little blueberry sighed dramatically "A lesson I have, malheursement, learned, how you say, the hard way. Leave me here to die."

Laura considered the offer, but she still need Francois for the crime ring. "Okay, well, you could do that, or... we could make some Christmas cookies! To make you feel better. Or find some. Or steal some."

"Oooh!" He popped back up "The kind with little sprinkles?"

"Brother, we'll get you the kind with the little sprinkles, and the kind with lots of colored sugar. And even the beautiful, elusive, frosted cookies. The ones we aren't supposed to touch."

"JUNIOR, NO! YOU CAN'T SHAKE IT, IT'LL EXPLODE!" She shrieked, diving behind a couch. "Throw it as far as you can Junior! Quickly!"

“Ahhhh!” Junior let out what could only be referred to as a war cry, throwing the gift as far as aparagusly possible.

To Laura's credit, as the box landed quite some ways away, it did explode with smoke and confetti. Nothing too dangerous, of course. She stood up and exited from behind the couch, laughing. "Oh! You should've seen your face! Ha! But look how cool that was!"

The little blueberry sighed dramatically "A lesson I have, malheursement, learned, how you say, the hard way. Leave me here to die."

Laura considered the offer, but she still need Francois for the crime ring. "Okay, well, you could do that, or... we could make some Christmas cookies! To make you feel better. Or find some. Or steal some."

"Well, I don't remember years 0-3, but I think that's highly unlikely. No, the last few years I've spent the holiday mostly at home eating stovetop stuffing and canned cranberry sauce, and watching movies. I've never once had to cook a turkey."

"JUNIOR, NO! YOU CAN'T SHAKE IT, IT'LL EXPLODE!" She shrieked, diving behind a couch. "Throw it as far as you can Junior! Quickly!"