whoever placed a curse on me fuck you

me after sleeping ljke shit for the 10,497th day in a row: this is good actually because now i'll be really tired when i go to bed tonight

Shaun Temple is a fucking real one actually. You meet a woman who has allegedly just had a mental breakdown so severe she's lost a year of her memory. She's loud and brash and is NOT taking your name and you are like ohhh I can't not marry her. You two have a kid, the most amazing daughter in the world. Your wife has a hole in her heart aching for something that she can't identify and your daughter feels like she's from another planet and both of them have dreams they can't explain and you probably chalk that up to them being extraordinary but in an ordinary way where their hearts are too big and their minds are too brilliant to not carry some grief. And then it turns out that oh your wife has a best friend who's a ????? years old Alien that's the last of their species and also your daughter IS part alien bc technically your wife genetically is also part alien but also maybe not now? And then your wife is like. The happiest you've ever seen her and she fucks off for two days but and the world literally starts to end but she fixes it and she brings back her ???? years old alien best friend forever and is like WE'RE KEEPING HIM AND ALSO THIS WOMAN THAT I MET LIKE TEN HOURS AGO and now he's calling you his brother-in-law and is definitely co-parenting now you're like. Just cool with all of that. Not a single hint of jealousy or nothin. Honestly king shit.

[ID: Tweet by frankie @/frankiegreek: 'Should I rot in bed all day or push myself to leave the house and then inevitably spend $135' /End ID]

magic is real you fools it happens when you make other people laugh

hey im brewing a potion of tastes bad and fucking kills you, anyone want some?

never ask a master origami artist to roll the joint. just watched two and a half grams of 31% indica dominant hybrid get turned into a beautiful hummingbird and fly away into the sunset

you know when little kids are told to smile for the camera and they do the biggest grin bc they aren’t self conscious about their teeth yet they just give it their all.. that’s wat this looks like

another underappreciated tumblr feature that you dont get on other sites is the queue. i love it when something i thought was funny six months ago and then forgot about a week later crawlts its way out of the processing vortex and i get to see it all over again.

you should queue this post it would be funny and grant me immortality

you motherfuckers put me in the processing vortex

love simon: im just like you! i have lots of friends, i drive a car, i live in a nice house,……i just happen to be gay :)  me: actually im just like this deeply repressed 40 year old man in it chapter 2

today’s very important post

THAT BOBCAT LOVES THAT BOY

He’s scent marking the hell outta that boy. So this is basically the equivalent of him saying “MINE, MINE, MINE, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!”