“I know it’s hard to love me.”
This is a quick thought I had. I have just been through a really tough time and I felt a bit angsty. Just overall said boi themes, sorry I’m in my feels today.
Im lazy there are so many warning and this is not edited. Trigger warnings all over this one, if you’re under 18, don’t react or I’ll block you.
Bakugou Katsuki x Female Reader
Sad themes, break up, language, self blame, angst, unhealthy coping mechanisms, no happy ending.
You just hide yourself away, it’s what you end up doing best when hurt. Honestly…it’s a bad habit. Vanishing into thin air when your world seems like it comes crashing down around you. Sadly this is your defense mechanism, has been since you were a little girl. Some habits are easier to shake than others.
So here you were, sitting high on your building rooftop. Cigarette between your lips, while the cool air of the night nipped your cheeks. Some might think that freezing yourself half to death wouldn’t make you feel better. But it’s just the opposite for you, it makes you feel alive. Pulls you out of the numbness you feel in your soul currently. Taking a long drag, you blow the smoke out into the night sky.
“Those will kill you, dumbass.” A husky voice sounded behind you. You didn’t move a muscle, couldn’t. If you were the first to turn around, you’d crack. Crack into a thousand pieces that are just barely kept together. You didn’t think he’d come so soon, so soon after you let him in on everything.
Just a week earlier, your poured your soul out to him. How you were ready for something more, that it was scary and you needed to take it slow. But you wanted to be committed, you wanted to be his. You believed everything to be perfect, that he finally got what he wanted and you finally spoke those unspoken feelings.
But of course, you ruined it. You just had to argue with him, over attention of all things. Something you knew was going to be difficult with his schedule. But he still had time for Kirishima, you think that’s were it really hurt. That you felt as so he was ignoring you, becoming distant already. Not approaching it in the most reasonable way, you let him know that it bugged you.
Bugged you to the point where you didn’t let him have the space he asked for. Pushed to hard, hard enough that he rethought everything about your relationship. That maybe you both were just in two different places in life, that you deserved someone who can give you the attention you needed. Blah blah blah…you heard it all before. You were the girl that was just not worth it after an argument. You believed that about yourself as well.
“What do you want Bakugou. I already told you how I felt, you don’t get to lecture me on what’s good or bad for my body.” You huffed back slightly, see unable to try and turn around to face him.
He was silent for what felt like years, mulling over in his head what he should say. It wasn’t until you heard a shaky breath come from his chest.
“You think this doesn’t hurt me? Well it does, I didn’t like doing this to you. Hurting you this way, I never wanted to do that to you. You deserve someone that makes you happy, it’s not that you didn’t try hard enough for me. You are more than enough, I think you’re the right person for me but it’s just bad timing.”
That’s when you turned around, you were never good at hiding how you really felt about something. Your facial expressions gave you up quicker then any words that ever came from your mouth.
“I wish you told me this last week, it would have saved me from feeling so fucking stupid. Look at it through my eyes, Bakugou. Everything was fine last week, you were excited that I finally told you how I felt…how it took me so long to even admit these feelings…to even want to be in a relationship…you were going to call me your significant other if someone asked. To now whatever this is, not together anymore…not even friends…you’d be confused as well if you were in my shoes…just as hurt as well.”
Now that got his attention, nostrils flaring while his vermilion eyes stared through you. “Yeah, that’s how I felt. I never lied too you.” His chest was raising and falling rapidly. Yeah, this really wasn’t easy for him as well. But your own sourness over the whole situation just couldn’t let you see it just yet.
Your eyes stared back, there was no backing down now.
“Feelings don’t change that quickly. It just hurts. Felt like I was so easily dropped, and I can’t pretend that it didn’t shatter my heart.”
He stepped closer this time now, his palms clenching into fists to keep his wildly popular temper in tact.
“My feelings haven’t changed! Don’t act like I’m doing this with a smile on my face and a pep in my step, y/n. I’m fucking hurting too.”
“This is fucking karma coming to bite me in the ass…” you muttered to yourself, honestly you shouldn’t have said it but you just couldn’t keep it from slipping your lips.
“This has nothing to do with karma!” He shouted this time, it rang in your ears. “I didn’t do this to be spiteful or to make you feel the same pain I felt all those months ago when you couldn’t reciprocate my feelings for you. I can’t give you the time and attention you need, it’s unfair of me to make you feel lonely!”
“I never felt lonely even when you weren’t here! You don’t understand how much you mean to me!” Now you were shouting, tears coming down your cheeks from your anger.
“It sucks to think that one argument about you being busy could lead to this! Not even a week in us actually “dating” and it’s already over with. You didn’t give it a shot, Katsuki. We both know this!”
“I did give it a fucking shot! I just realize that I still have my own shit I need to work on, so do you. I can’t commit myself to someone when I’m not whole myself. It’s not fair.” You could feel the emotion coming from his chest. It was coming off him in waves. He stuttered off something along the times that he couldn’t promise you anything right now but you both needed time away from each other.
So you were going to be honest with him. Even if it hurt yourself to say it and hurt for him to hear it.
“I know it’s hard to love me, my father used to say it all the time. So I have come to accept that it’ll never be easy to love someone like me.” You took a sharp breath before continuing. “When I get hurt, I shut myself out. And the first thing I want to do is hurt those who hurt me 10x more than how they hurt me. So I lash out.” This was the calmest you had spoken this entire time.
“I say or do things I end up regretting. Like how I said that I could never be your friend after this again. I said it in the heat of the moment.” You turned your gaze from him. “It was hard for me to open up to you in the first place. I thought I was going to feel suffocated like how I had in the past with mono relationships…but with you? That feeling never came.”
“You felt like a breath of fresh air and you gave me a warmth that I just couldn’t help but bask in it. I could have said harsh things to you, blocked you, and washed you clean out of my life. I just couldn’t do it, you’re my best friend and it hurt knowing that I was going to lose you over something I knew would happen if we spoke about things left unspoken. I said things I know you’ll never forget, the same goes for what you said.” As you kept speaking, you heard his breath bitch a little.
“I love you, sure it’s a shit time to say it back but I might as well be honest. I want you to get everything you deserve out of this world. I really don’t want to lose you, which is selfish of me…however if that something in life is for me not to be apart of it? I wish you all the luck in the world. I can’t take back what I said, that will be something I’ll have to live with until it doesn’t hurt anymore.”
Katsuki just stared at you dumbfounded, he looked so shocked. He was at a loss for words.
“I don’t know what to say, I didn’t think you’d confess like this. I can’t promise you anything but right now…we aren’t good for each other. I can’t give you the attention you need. It’s not that it’s hard to love you…I-I need to go.” He was nervous it was plain to see.
“I’m going to be clear, I don’t need attention. I don’t need it to keep a relationship alive. I was ready to give you everything, I didn’t think an argument would ruin it so quickly.” You spoke soft now, walking by him to get back to the fire escape. Not turning around to look at him one more time.
“It is hard to love me, I don’t make it easy. I get angry to often, fire my mouth off and regret it later. Well…now is later. I love you, more than I’ll ever care to admit. I hope you find someone that will make your world spin. Make you forget that I even existed. It’ll go back to us being strangers, I know it’s hard to love me…but I’ll keep being hard to love if it ends up making you grow…and find the perfect person for you.”
You held back the tears that threatened to pour down your cheeks once more, leaving Katsuki on that rooftop. Just like he was another stranger.
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