sometimes i wish i didnt see myself and everyone as a brain first.
i wish i saw people first before i saw their defense mechanisms.
i wish i could hear words as a combination of letters being sounded out first before i started tracing where they come from.
i wish i could just feel something first without trying to figure out the patterns that produced them.
its like i cant stop wondering and dissecting things down to the quantum. i see everything a systems and patterns and objects of observation, and not only do i see the world like that, i feel everything too.
i dont just see someone's defense mechanism, i understand why they needed it. i dont just hear someone's words, i can feel the weight of them. i dont just see someone's anger, i can feel the hurt underneath it.
i feel like my empathy doesnt exist separately from my awareness, it exists together and amplifies each other up to the cosmic.
when im constantly absorbing and analyzing and interpreting and feeling everything, i dont think it makes me a better or wiser person. most of the times i think it makes me an exhausted person because life just feels unbearably loud. somewhere along the way, i became a person who stopped inhabiting my own life and started studying it.
