dancing in the minefields

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year? finding a job that is less stressful

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened? waking up on a sunday, taking a walk with my husband and pup, not realizing it would be our last. Our dog Toby had emergency surgery that night and passed away a few days later from complications.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year? starting to learn to work with and trust my body.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle? feeling like I took a step back (several, really) in my journey with anxiety, esp as it pertains to things I have loved doing.

5. Pick three words to describe 2023. “I am trying.”

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2023 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you). Fighting my brain.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2023 (again, without asking). Where’d it go?

8. With whom were your most valuable relationships? The people who were intentional about seeing me as worth trying to know, even if it was hard.

9. What were the best books you read this year? I read 26 books this year (4 short of my goal, but that’s okay). Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow was really good but also heart wrenching. I enjoyed some of the fluffier things I read too.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year? I got a new job!

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally? Learning that healing and growth arent linear, that I can hold 2+ opposing things/ideas/feelings. Having to wrestle with wanting some people in my circle to denounce hate but instead took a different path, and that is their choice to make (and not mine to force, but definitely okay for me to speak up about)

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually? Hard to say.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically? I started working virtually with a fitness coach in October, and I think that is paying off if only in that I have stuck with it and am trusting my body a little more.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others? It’s been a lonely year, and I have been needier than I would like (as an eldest daughter and an enneagram 2). I have had to trust the people in my life to show up if they mean business.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)? Professionally: getting to know new coworkers. At home: learning to communicate better.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)? Professionally: advocating for myself; at home: learning to communicate better

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year? Anxiety.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year? Loving.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year? I am not perfect, and I am still worth knowing and loving.

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year? vaccines.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened? The global panini not ending.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year? Meeting new people.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle? Moving into a leadership/management position.

5. Pick three words to describe 2021. Whirlwind. Rollercoaster. Tiring.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2021 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you). Hope amidst hardship.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2021 (again, without asking). Still always learning.

8. With whom were your most valuable relationships? The people who were willing to check in, sometimes with memes, sometimes with the heaviness of it all.

9. What were the best books you read this year? I believe I only read one actual book this year. It was yesterday, specifically so I could say I read a book this year on this end of year review. It was "Rosaline Palmer Takes the Cake" and it was pretty okay!

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year? I made my way up the ladder both at work and in other places.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally? I'm back in therapy again. We're still getting to know each other, but I like it-though I do end up crying pretty much every session.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually? I dont know if "growing" is what I would call it. I haven't set foot in a church this year, possibly for the first time in my life. I told Evan earlier this week that in many facets of life right now, it's the hope that makes life hurt the most. Wrestling with that and how it fits with my faith-along with other things-has been hard.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically? I apparently shrank an inch, per my last doctor's appointment. I want to do more growing next year-not as a new year's resolution, but as a way to stay sane.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others? I'm trying to be more outgoing and intentional with getting to know some people on my periphery that I've wanted to get to know. Also trying harder not to compare.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)? I really enjoyed my work team in the first half of the year, before we all split up. At home, learning how to encourage Evan as he learns more about himself and how his brain works.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)? Managing people is HARD, and my job now requires that. As for at home, trying *not* to manage people is hard!

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year? doubt, mostly self-doubt.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year? loving my people. learning new things. trying things, even if they didnt work out.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year? Duality doesn't really exist, I guess? Black and white thinking is normally too simplistic to cover everything actually going on in the world. I have Opinions about a lot of things, but there's always another side-even if I don't agree with it-and sometimes (not always) it's got some validity underlying it.

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year? Hard question, given the year, but a good one. I think probably getting to know me better...because there’s nothing else to do >.<

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened? Well, a global pandemic seems like a pretty big thing. There were also a lot of family dynamic changes.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year? Getting to design a few things (scarf, tshirt, tifo) for various soccer items.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle? Loneliness. 

5. Pick three words to describe 2020. Holy fucking shit.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2020 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you). Is it over?

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2020 (again, without asking). This is hard.

8. With whom were your most valuable relationships? I said this last year, but it’s true. People I can be myself with, people who know me, people who are safe. People willing to check in and also listen to the answer.

9. What were the best books you read this year? I really enjoyed Sunshield, by Emily B Martin. It is the first in a duology that comes after her Creatures of Light series. I also read “The Vine Witch” by Luanne Smith, and Glennon Doye’s “Untamed” which were also excellent.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year? I started a new job in January, started to get settled, and basically shut our lives down in March. I got a promotion in August, and October brought probably the biggest “event” we have done all year, going to see the championship celebration of our soccer team. It feels like life has changed so much (in terms of life outside our house), and not at all (in terms of inside our house).

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally? I’ve had to learn to be honest about when I need to be alone, since Evan and I are basically together almost 24/7. That involves having to trust him to not be offended when that happens. It feels like some kind of progress, I guess.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually? My utter dismay with how the Church (and our church specifically) has handled this pandemic and election and basically the whole year is...immense.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically? I try to move my body most days now, just for sanity.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others? Someone online pointed out that everyone is pretty empty right now, and it’s hard to give much to each other. I’m feeling that a lot lately. I am trying not to define myself with how much I do for my friends...since as a enneagram 2, that is easy for me, and because I can’t fix the pandemic (believe me, I’ve tried). I think it’s growth to try to step out of that...but it is also a fine line between wanting to be intentional and have people know I care, and defining myself by that.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)? Work: I’m learning a ton. It turns out I can be capable, given direction and enough training/Googling :) Also new friends. At home: being seen and loved fully.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)? Work: I miss the in-person social aspect a lot, since I’m working remotely. Just stopping by someone’s desk to chat requires more intentionality at the new job. At home: knowing how to care for each other as we try to survive...all this. *gestures wildly*

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year? Things I’ve used this year to “waste time” have also been coping mechanisms. I’m going to give myself a pass on those this year. Maybe we’ll say “trying to change myself to fit into the ideal of who I think others want me to be”

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year? Snuggling. Encouraging. Pouring into people, even when there’s very little to give.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year? I did *not* know how to wash my hands appropriately until 2020. But seriously: my trust and faith in “people will generally do the right thing” has been shaken to its core. That is something that will be very hard to unlearn.

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year? There have been a lot of good things. The most far reaching has probably been starting (and staying on) medication for my anxiety.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened? Evan’s job change comes to mind. Finding a new normal from that, probably. Or deciding to leave my job.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year? Weekly lunches with Lib and Ella.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle? Feeling lost or out of touch with my faith.

5. Pick three words to describe 2019. Soccer. Waiting. Fast.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2019 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you). Waiting is hard.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2019 (again, without asking). Yay new job!

8. With whom were your most valuable relationships? People I can be myself with, people who know me, people who are safe.

9. What were the best books you read this year? Mmm. I enjoyed most of the...29 books I read. Really liked the Queen’s Thief series and Creatures of Light series.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year? Well, I start a new job next month, so that’s pretty big.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally? Meds have opened a lot of doors I’ve considered closed, as well as showing me just how small I had let my world get. There’s so much more work to do (hard hard work) but I think it’s only right to celebrate the wins this year,including starting meds in the first place. I also went back to counseling for a while (and need to get back in the habit), and learned about myself there too. Lastly, learning to tell the truth about myself, my needs, and feelings.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually? I’m unlearning a lot, and questioning whether the things ironed into my subconscious are congruent with the God I know.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically? I joined a gym late this year. I’m not like, ripped or anything, but it’s a start.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others? Not living in a constant state of anxiety makes things clearer. I think it makes me a better person in relationship. I hope so, at least.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)? Work: comraderie in the midst of change. At home: being appreciated and encouraged, especially in my photography.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)? Work: lots of change, and learning not to give others control over me. At home: trying to sort through patterns, old and new, to better myself.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year? Worry. It never really changes anything.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year? Loving people. Recording their lives. Snuggling.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year? Things can be so much better, though it may feel so scary to get there.

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year? There were some very happy moments, across sports and photography and just living life. Is it weird to say maybe it was joining the pool? Or getting a hometown soccer team?

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened? evan had his wisdom teeth out this year, and I was pretty worried about him.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year? The soccer community I fell into kind of by accident

4. What was an unexpected obstacle? well, i almost broke my foot this summer; that was unexpected.

5. Pick three words to describe 2018. fast and slow.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2018 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you). living for 5PM

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2018 (again, without asking). workday freaking sucks

8. With whom were your most valuable relationships? The people who are just as likely to read/return hard texts as happy meme texts.

9. What were the best books you read this year? Oh! I have answers for this! I read 20 books this year, according to goodreads! I’d say the best were: “Far From the Tree” by Robin Benway, “Circe” by Madeline Miller, and “Dear Ijeawele, or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year? working hard on learning how to take better pictures, maybe

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally? I feel like I’m getting more brave, ever so slowly. Two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes sideways.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually? still figuring that part out.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically? I’m no longer vitamin b12 deficient, which is progress :)

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others? I feel like I’m still learning how to grow my relationships with others. Figuring out what each needs, what I can give, etc.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)? work: helping people and designing things, home: probably getting some recognition for my photography

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)? work: this is by far the longest I’ve been at a job-that’s hard in some very specific ways; home: probably trying to adjust to a new community group, or just being older and aware of that

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year? worrying about things I can’t control or change

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year? loving people, laughing with them, taking pictures of them

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year? Being uncomfortable and/or scared does not have to be bad, even if it feels bad.

haven’t done one of these in a while!

tagged (kind of) by @tuntematonkorppi

— What was your last…

1. Drink: water

2. Phone call: looks like... (checks phone) Jen! about the broadway series

3. Text message: “Yay!” to @paperairplanemob

4. Song you listened to: “The Schuyler Sisters” on the way to work

5. Time you cried: uhhh i dont remember? probably cry laughing at nailed it! last night

— Have you ever…

6. Dated someone twice: don’t think so

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: yes

8. Been cheated on: eh. not really

9. Lost someone special: yes

10. Been depressed: yes

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope

— Fave colours

12. purple

13. green

14. blue

— In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends: yes

16. Fallen out of love: no

17. Laughed until you cried: absolutely

18. Found out someone was talking about you: dont think so

19. Met someone who changed you: i dont think that’s happened in the last year

20. Found out who your friends are: im constantly finding out new things about my friends.

21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list: indeed :)

— General

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know irl: i’d say...3/4?

23. Do you have any pets: one pupper-Tobs. the lovable, weird, giant.

24. Do you want to change your name: i think about it every once in a while.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: work, small party at a neighborhood park with friends

26. What time did you wake up today: 7ish

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping!

28. What is something you can’t wait for: right now, im excited about a patch i designed that i just approved to go to production! can’t wait to hold the finished product

30. What are you listening to right now: nothing.

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: sure

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves: how slowly time moves

33. Most visited website: tumblr and facebook (mostly out of habit)

34. Hair colour: brown-though i did find my first grey hair last weekend >.<

35. Long or short hair: currently, short

36. Do you have a crush on someone: yep. im married to him. he’s a cutie. dont tell anyone.

37. What do you like about yourself: ehhhh. im loyal AF.

38. Want any piercings: not really, though im considering a tragus if it’ll help with migraines

39. Blood type: A- i think

40. Nicknames: dont really have any now except Big (to my sister), used to be BHolc (then BHild) to a couple of people in college, Stitch in high school

41. Relationship status: married

42. Sign: virgo

43. Pronouns: she/hers

44. Fave tv show: i watch a lot of shows. all time faves might be 30 rock, parks and rec, the good place. also really like wynonna earp and elementary

45. Tattoos: love them. I have just the one (wrist, hebrew) but i would loooooove a shoulder cap piece

46. right or left handed: right, unless im batting

47: Ever had surgery: yes-kidney, tonsils/adenoids, and wisdom teeth

48. Piercings: earlobes (just the standard one in each) and left cartilage

49. Sport: love watching them, played ultimate in college, did swing dancing for yeaaarrrsss in middle/high school and college, contra in college, won the one softball tournament i entered in college

50. Vacation: took off a week last summer-too stressed to enjoy it. i’ll have to try again :)

51. Trainers: if you’re talking about sneakers, i live in chucks or my vans

— More general

52. Eating: can’t have fish of any kind, easing tomatoes back into my life

53. Drinking: don’t do a lot of it; prefer cider if i do. can’t have coffee.

54. I’m about to watch: nothing at the moment

55. Waiting for: lunchtime

56. Want: sleep

57. Get married: been there, done that, would happily re-up

58. career: great question

— Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses: hugs.

60. Lips or eyes: eyes

61. Shorter or taller: shrug. taller?

62. Older or younger: neither

63. Nice arms or stomach: noooo idea. arms?

64. Hookup or relationships: relationships

65. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

— Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger: no

67. Drank hard liquor: yes

68.Turned someone down: no

69. Sex on first date: no

70: Broken someone’s heart: yes

71. Had your heart broken: yes

72. Been arrested: no

73. Cried when someone died: yes

74. Fallen for a friend: yes.

— Do you believe in

75. Yourself: not really

76. Miracles: yes

77. Love at first sight: no

78. Santa Claus: no

79. Angels: eh.

— Misc

80. Eye colour: brown

81. Best friends name: lena

82. Favourite movie: baby mama

83. Favourite actor: too many

84. Favourite cartoon: maybe...young justice?

85. Favourite teacher’s name: too many good ones.