4th meals for lit folk. seattle.

Becca’s Recipe: How Not to Make a Grits Bowl

  First, give yourself between 10 and 15 minutes to make a 45-minute meal. Got that? Good.

Eyeball a mixture of half whole milk and half water in a medium-sized saucepan, set on stove to boil.

In the meantime, fry up some bacon. Fry up as much bacon as your little hands can manage.

When the milkwater is at a boil, pour what seems to be a reasonable amount of grits into the mixture, set to simmer.

If the grits start to remind you of this, just… don’t question it.

Get someone else to slice up a few avocados because dear god we’re running out of time now.

Assemble grits, bacon, avocado. Remember you bought eggs.

Recipe: Darren's Kitchen Sink Stir-Fry

Ingredients:

Stew Meat. Also called Beef Rock, Old Red Muffins, or Feral Cat

Assorted Veggies. Anything you have in your fridge that has not turned browned or gelatinous.

Ginger. Grated, or that powdered stuff.

Soy Sauce. The expensive “Stir Fry Sauce” is still just soy sauce.

Sesame Oil. In no way will any other type of oil suffice.

Salt/Pepper. Because you are eating food.

Heat sesame oil in wok or any other piece of Medieval Chinese armor.

Throw in fist fulls of stew meat.

Open all windows and wave a wet towel around to remove smoke from burnt oil.

Add soy sauce and ginger. Let simmer, not unlike like a cauldron.

Add veggies, densest to lightest. (To determine the density of any one particular veggie, use it to knock on your neighbor's door. The shorter the answer, the longer the cooking time).

Do not touch or look at wok for 5 minutes. Best just leave the kitchen. No one knows what happens during this time.

Return to stir.

Sit on couch. Fold throw blanket.

Return to stir.

Take Buzzfeed quiz.

Return to stir.

Recipe: Rich's Rainbow Quesadilla

  Ingredients

  Tortilla. Should be large enough to eclipse a face.

Chicken Thighs. Preferably ones that have been allowed to roam freely about the barnyard.

Cheese. Sharp and creamy. Nothing too fancy. Grated. 

Spinach. Any kind of roughage will do, really. Spinach has the benefit of making you strong.

Avocado. Halved. Cut in half-moons.

Bachelor Spices. Salt, pepper, cayenne pepper.

  Dust the chicken with bachelor spices. Sneeze. Tear up. Remember her.

Drop a little oil in a NONSTICK PAN and in NO OTHER PAN; add chicken weird-side up.

Wash your hands. They're covered in toxic chicken diseases.

Cook chicken 3-4 minutes, flip with fork, and then cook for another 3-4 minutes. Set aside.

Sort of scrape out most of the oil but leave a little bit in the pan.

Place tortilla in nonstick pan with the little bit of oil in it.

Add half-handful of cheese on one side of tortilla.

Quickly slice up a thigh or two and put on top of cheese.

Very quickly (that tortilla isn't burning yet, is it?) rip up the spinach and sprinkle on chicken.

Add half-handful of cheese.

Fold the tortilla and enjoy the great tactile pleasure of pressing something down with the spatula.

Give it a second.

Flip.

Give it 30 seconds.

Peek inside.

Give it another 15 seconds.

Slide quesadilla onto plate.

Slice into 3 triangles, apply avocado slices in a pleasant way, drip on a little Tapatio, and eat with hands or fork according to your station.

Recipe: Becca's Egg Vortex

Ingredients

Eggs. You might use all of them by accident.

Kale—preferably the kind that you always buy as a reflex but then remains wilting in your fridge until you hate yourself.

Peasant bread, bread for peasants. 

It’s supposed to be white vinegar but that doesn’t seem to exist in Darren’s apartment so what the hell let’s use apple cider vinegar.