if only I knew

What’s my favorite colour? Well ever since I heard the sound of my mother sobbing because of me I’ve felt this feeling of inescapable dread and never though it hurts me just as much I feel like I don’t deserve the luxury of grieving the delicate relationship we had because it was my doing, but I know I shouldn’t feel bad because I was doing it for my own mental sanity and I am the child in this situation but I can’t shake this feeling because that’s my mom. That’s the women that gave birth to me and raised me and I hurt her just to save myself and I know she’s not doing this on purpose because it’s not her fault that she’s in love with him, but also isn’t it her fault because she has continued to stay with this man after years of the abuse I’ve endured from him, but also that’s not a good mindset to have because she’s also a victim in that relationship but also I’m a child! And even though I know all of these things and it’s all complicated and I know I don’t deserve the blame but neither does she because it’s not her fault. But then again, I hurt her. But I had to hurt her because at this point it was going to kill me, and I only had to hurt her to get out of the situation she put me in. But she’s literally my mom and the connection we have is simply unmatchable because I understand her and she understands me and she was the first person I ever knew and I’ve never known my life without her. And I feel like I understand her better than others because I understand the position she’s in, which makes it worse because I can empathize with the fact that she’s a victim of narcissism and I can understand that because it’s a general problem that women are always having. So as a women I completely forgive her and feel bad for her and wish I would save her. But as a human I will never forgive her or understand why she has done this. But as her child I love her more than anything want her to hold me and love me and tell me everything will be okay. But as a victim I never want to see her again. And all that too say Idk what my favorite colour is because I like them all and I don’t know who I am at this point !

i have both mummy and daddy issues, does that make me a red flag or does it make me more intriguing

Please tell me i'm not as forgettable as your silence is making me feel.

me when he doesn't text me back within five business minutes