space is the breath of art

You guys were right. I will get more comfortable at this new place as time passes. I am still feeling new and don’t have a clue how things work but I am glad to have found some really nice people that accepted me into their group. Everything is smaller here and I guess I like that. These people are so down to earth and welcoming. They won’t look at me funnily when I am wearing stuff I like. They won’t ignore me when not talking much in a group. I know, I have thought this the first few weeks three years ago as well, but this time it feels different.

I am different. I am a lot more confident in who I am and what I like. I don’t fear asking for help, I don’t fear speaking in front of people. I don’t fear saying what I want to say within my workgroup.

And that’s a good thing. I don’t have to pretend to be someone. The people in my old university knew I was this anxious girl that was constantly oppressed by her “friend”. Here, I can be who I want to be because they have no expectations or whatsoever, I have to live up to.

I even feel a little bit proud of myself. Firstly, for feeling the way I feel right now, which is weirdly happy, and secondly, for being new and bringing new stuff onto the table.

My last uni had some of the best professors in Germany. Important architects and planners that everyone knows. Today, someone shared a project they liked, and I got all excited inside because its by one of my old professors which those people here don’t even realise. Or one professor here recommending a book written by a different professor of mine. Yes, it might seem sad not to be taught by them anymore, but I gained the experience and knowledge for three years and now I can share them with other people.

I knew that I wouldn’t enjoy the first day of my new University. But I never expected to feel so down. I was so excited for this. For meeting new people. Starting new.

However, suddenly, everything seems so wrong. The people I met, and I am terrible at meeting new people, are already familiar with one another. Its like I crushed into this big group of friends where everybody knows everyone, and I am the outcast. The people here are so different than the people at my last university. Weirdly, they are exactly how I wanted them to be. Down to earth and welcoming. But it’s a hard thing to adjust to. I desperately wanted to be friends with people. But it seems so hard when you are one of the four new people.

I never wanted to admit this. But I guess I already started to miss my old university. I knew that place. I knew where to buy groceries. I knew where I could go if I needed some new stationary. I knew where to work, where to live.

 It’s a hard feeling to describe but I am feeling lost when I am here. Back there, I felt save. Sad and miserable, but safe. This feels like a dream without an escape. And I really wish to change it but I have no clue how to.

 The sad thing is, towards the end of the last semester, way after I made the decision to study somewhere else, I became really good friends with a group of four girls. They were, again, so welcoming and invited me to hang out with them. And that really nice and openminded girl that seemed to accept me despite my quietness. And I hate that I haven’t met those people before. And I hate that I now feel like I made the wrong decision… again.

The new semester starts in like 3 weeks. I have no clue about how it will be and how everything will turn out. I still don’t have a place to live and that’s the main point for this panicky-empty feeling inside of me. The only thing that keeps me going, studying-wise, is the fact that its not far from home. And it’s a town where most of my old friends live so I am really looking forward to it. But its still the unknown that stresses me out.

Our outdoor swimming centre closed last week. I love swimming. Probably more than anything in the world. Swimming is my relief. The pool is my safe-place and has turned out to be more of a home than my actual home over the summer. When I am swimming, I forget every struggle I have. And I feel so comfortable and calm. I miss swimming already and hopefully I can get into a pool more often than I could over the last three years.

I’ve been on vacation. To an old, familiar village in Italy. Me and my family visited it every year for 10 years. We haven’t been there for three years and it really felt like coming home again. I missed that place. I missed the country, the food and the people.

Having time off left me with watching endless series and movies and new or old books to read. It left me feeling really lonely. I was never ready to be in a relationship, I suppose. But right now, I am so desperate for love and affection, it’s ripping me apart. I want a boy who is there for me in these lonely moments where I feel so incredibly lost. I want a relationship where I can talk about anything that goes through my mind.