all's well that ends well

like the “i’m so stressed at work and want to come home and relax and get my dick sucked” card

which is not okay with me

i’ve been having a lot of issues with my body and eating lately, which he constantly exacerbates by commenting on how “unhealthily” i’m eating etc etc etc. not to mention that mother fucking joe has been a constant in my brain for well over a solid month now (just when things were starting to get normal again) which kinda makes me automatically connect sex and anxiety and guilt and pain

i am sorry, but i cannot deal with petty male ejaculatory needs right fucking now

right before christmas i pushed passed my bullshit and i made him cum four times in one week

i realize how sad that number is, especially to a man

but i literally cannot tell you how happy i was that i did that. that i was fucking ABLE to do that. i was able to have sex without crying!!!!!! without feeling like i couldn’t breathe!!!!!! without actually having severe flashbacks to his body on top of mine!!!!! 

i don’t understand why jarel can’t see that as what it is: a mother fucking victory

why do i have to be automatically made into some goddamn sex machine?

i love jarel to fucking death. i am marrying this man. i would die for this man.  it’s not like we’ve never talked about it. honestly, we probably talk about it at least once per month. usually after i freak out about sex.  but somehow he doesn't understand. somehow he doesn’t get that sex is not what it used to be for me, and it won't be for a long fucking time - if ever. that doesn’t mean a year, or two, or any fixed amount of time altogether.  it means that i am in pain. that i am hurting. guilting me into fucking you is not helping me, but keeping me in the loop i’ve been stuck in for a year and a half.