writing & wishing

I miss home. I am in my house but my brother isn’t little and my childhood best friend doesn’t come over and my toys aren’t here and my cat isn’t sleeping on my bed and my dad doesn’t color with me anymore and my mom doesn’t help me with my homework and the neighbors have all moved out and my cartoons aren’t on the TV and now I know more about my family than I wish I did and there’s a cloud over this house that formed as I grew up and my parents grew order. I miss home and probably always will.

I still have the eraser my friend gave me in 1st grade. I still think of my childhood best friend when I go to a certain restaurant. I still have a Valentine my friend gave me in 4th grade. I still have the pencil my friend gave me on the bus in 6th grade. I still think of my childhood friend group when I hear a certain song. You cross the minds of people you’ve crossed paths with more than you know. It’s amazing to think how the smallest interaction with someone that you may not even remember may be the same memory that someone else carries with them forever. There are reminders of you sprinkled throughout so many lives.

Attachment after getting your heart broken is such a tough thing. You really want to get close to another person because you remember how good it felt to have that connection, but you also remember how bad it hurt when it crashed and burned. Deep down, you start to built a wall around your heart because you can’t bear to experience a love that breaks it again.

I prayed for a long time for something I thought I wanted. To me, this plead seemed like it would make my life perfect— like it was everything I could ever want and more. But what I didn’t know was that I was praying for something that wasn’t mine to have. My prayers were answered by being denied. I didn’t get what I thought I wanted, but instead got something far better that I never would’ve asked for on my own. When it seems like God or the Universe is not providing for you, remember that sometimes the best things in life are born from unanswered prayers.

I pray you find the love that sets you free.

The battle between your head and your heart is never an easy one. Your head thinks about the future, the logic, and the reality of the situation. Your heart thinks about the past, the emotions, and the memories. Your head wants you to move on to the thing that makes the most sense, but your heart wants you to go to or stay in the place that makes you comfortable, even if it’s not what’s really best for you. I can’t tell you whether you should follow your head or your heart, but I can leave you with this— your heart should always guide your head, otherwise you’ll lose sight of what makes you, you.

The line between love & attachment is so hard to see, sometimes even transparent. When all you know is the connection you have, you assume it’s love. You assume you’ve fallen into the kind of love that storybooks are made of. You assume this is the best that you’ll ever have & that you’re the lucky ones. But, love doesn’t leave you questioning. Love doesn’t run out. Your attachment, especially if you came together in a time of youth or hard times, may be so strong that it disguised itself as love. And you may never know for a fact whether it’s love or an attachment, but I guess all I can leave you with is the question of whether or not the connection is fulfilling enough to be your definition of love.