DEE

So stupid of me to think

That you actually cared

So stupid of me to think

That you would actually be there 

So stupid of me to think

So many I love you’s meant something 

So stupid of me to think

You would make room for me 

So stupid of me to think

That you actually cared

When I realized how stupid I was 

I blocked you

When I realized how stupid I was

I stopped allowing my day dreams to be filled by you 

When I realized how stupid I was 

I allowed my emotions the space you occupied 

When I realized how stupid I was 

I was cried for a week or more 

When I realized how stupid I was 

I blocked you

Then I started to remember 

That I deserve more 

Then I started to remember 

My Strange beauty and amazing pain

Then I started to remember 

How powerful my love is

Then I started to remember 

That I deserved more 

When I started to remember 

To all the men who have left her arms and said, no this is not good bye this is just see you when? 

You may Have thought that romantic, 

I guess it is slightly so 

But to her it is foolish 

as a woman isn’t fooled by text message gestures and cute nicknames. 

For you it is see you later because she will never leave your mind, the curve of her smile matches the arch from hips to toes. 

You’ll never forget that a woman knows. 

For her your memory will linger and some even stay a year or two, but soon a man with a tougher touch and softer tone of voice will call his beauty too.

So goodbye is just that for a woman like her, who isn’t fooled by the idea this naïve man is true to his words or truth behind his touch. 

She knows already too much 

She will leave him much better than she found him 

You say it with such fondness I miss you 

But what does that even mean 

What is it you miss? 

You don’t even know me

Not many even do. 

But I’d love to open up to you 

Tell you why I can’t listen to landslide 

Or about that one trip to Canada 

But once you learn is that 

Is that what your longing for? 

Maybe that’s the part I’ve me I’m missing 

The part that makes me me 

I miss Being able to be soo free Around someone

Having Someone know what makes your tick and eyes well or when just to squeeze a little bit tighter when you need it. 

I’m sure you miss that too 

That hot mess you can be when you know the person with you genuinely cares, and you can be free. 

A spark was lit when we met, and you took some of my light with you, and it helped lite your way too 

But when I hear I miss you, I can’t help but smirk and think I’m a concept you can’t know you can’t miss 

it’s not destiny 

we passed just like a light in the night

you saw 

perhaps I let you get a little to close to 

As a child we would sit down on a summer evening with my grandma in Wisconsin

Puzzle pieces all over the table,

After hours of jokes and pushing pieces together that just weren't right

You would end up with an incomplete picture 

But You put it together you created you grew with till the end.

When you found that last piece it was almost romantic that way it fit together and made something beautiful. 

So beautiful some people leave them together for months or even frame there works of art. 

What makes this somewhat common piece of art 

glorious is the fact that your hands put it together and you work to make it happen. I yearn for that feeling once again, 

As an adult I don’t do many puzzles anymore, my puzzle pieces are in life, whether in work play or relationships. I'm looking for that piece to complete my work of art. 

Not complete me but the art I've created, someone who sees a similar photo and what's needed to crave out that space for someone. A few times I’ve tried to push those pieces together and it just didn’t work when i thought it would, 

So for now I’m working on the other parts Of the puzzle till I find the match for me 

.

.

.

You are my muse

Those eyes

Those thighs

Those dad jokes

In sorrow all i want is you to read ny words

break my own heart 

I'll do it till im as blue as your eyes 

I'll do it till I've learned my lesson the 1,000 time 

You have the power to make me melt 

how still with so many strings attached

But if there wasn't id slip through the crack when we hold hands

It's the honest truth of breaking your own heart

Knowing you have the power to pull back but you can't 

in the back of your mind you know you make it all perfect 

Pushing the reality aside for just one more moment of fantasy with you. 

I’m not a Disney princess or you arent a frog trapped for eternity

We simple folks with lives so different that fantasy is where we connect. 

A fantasy that is so beautiful it can make me forget how breaking your own heart feels in the end. 

Filled with regret and words you had hoped you could say but you can’t cuz it will shatter it all 

Saying I love you is just a start of what I want to say, but instead, I’ll stay sitting here in silence alone, thinking of new ways to break my own heart

you're lock in a room You can't answer or call 

It makes my mind flip through space 

Wondering how I'm still so involved 

It's snowing here, and of course, it's always about you. 

Glad yours, okay.

I'm glad you are okay and have work on the horizon. 

i spent my birthday wishing you call the whole weekend, hoping to hear from you. I'm fucking hurting over here too, Patrick. My phone is silent without you in my life. But What do you want me to say? You know my boundaries, I want all of you. That's not possible; there's no winning for me. Unless you do the hard work and from our phone call, that's not gonna happen just because you love me. i keep thinking back to making love with you and saying i Love you and you saying it back it's all I want again. your not gonna show up for me and that's the truth we both know. I don't want just fit in the spots in between. It Fucking Sucks Patrick i miss talking to you every day 

Filling the void 

You don’t talk to me for days 

And expect my feelings to stay the same 

The nine of swords tells me 

My thoughts turn poisonous 

Maybe it is you that is the poison 

With each drink you gave me each word you said you never it will send ______ into my heart 

So deep i couldn’t get away if i tried

Then you pulled them out 

And expected me to alone fill these new voids

No one to call me every morning or night 

Keeping up with jimmy and I’d day to say

Then nothing a void larger than i could of expected 

A whole long of shit can fit in this void  

That love thing, is it greater than gravity? I would say so. 

I need a break from you 

You consume me

When I say obsessed 

I mean in terms of caring way too much 

Not I need you I want you to be mine 

I think time and time again what's best for you 

Is it me gone? 

It is me growing closer

You brought me into this 

I don't know how to stop 

I can't stop caring about you

But wait

What does this caring get me 

As long as I'm low on totem pole 

what is the reward to this risk even 

Broken beyond repair

You with a warm bed to call home 

mine cold as ice waiting for your body 

I had my break 

I need another 

it needs to work on both sides 

I can't be the only one fulfilling the others love language 

I need a break from thinking about your legs intertwined with mine. 

I need a break from contemplating whether you are a blessing or a curse

I need a break from myself caring about your feelings

I was moving pass the pain of falling back in love with this man and then breaking up with him during the most stressful time of the year for me my Birthday. But honestly it was better than waking up daying him and not understanding why he hasn’t reached out to me which was really a majority of the year we were hot and heavy together.

I just kept thinking why he had to say I love you to me, why did he have to act like I was so expendable for 7 days, Why the fuck did he feel like it was okay to play me for so long till I found out he was fucking married. Shit why did it even matter I was choosing myself and you know I had  Great birthday with very good friends of mine.  

Then 9/9 came along just a somewhat spiritual day you know the same numbers bullshit just about 7:00 pm I get text message on my phone. I miss you, im so confused, Tell jimmy I say Hi, I got zapped last week and had heat stroke and passed out at work. So sorry I hurt you.

WHAT the FUCK is this BULL SHIT. I told myself are you fucking Kidding me!!! I SWEAR TO GOD HOW DID THIS MOTHER FUCKING NOT UNDERSTAND he is on a daily breaking my heart so why the fuck would I let him back and you know what I am gonna tell him what is going. I call him right now.

He didn’t answer. I message back, see you can text but you can never talk Typical. Well I got a call right back and an answer I have no idea to expect.

Shannon, I did everything you asked of me, No I don’t have a divorce date with my wife, cuz that is fucking realistic. I told you fucking loved you cuz I do, I don’t know how to make you happy, I could of gone home and seen my kids sooner.l could of gone home and see my kids sooner and I came and saw you and then you fucking dump me Ya im freaking pissed. Because I don’t understand how this happened. And you know im fucking tired so I don’t know what you tell you. Soo Good Night Shannon!

It was the quickest 2 minute phone call that I had ever experience and it was the first time I have ever experience someone caring so much to yell at me to get me back.. Wow as I write that I can smell that abuse in my past. But it was true it felt me like holy fucking shit I have broken up with this guy multiple times with multiple ultimatums but everything he came back and this time is screamed his love at me.

I texted him I understood where he was coming form and that I am sorry he felt that I didn’t appreciate his commitment to coming to see me. I told him I hope he got some food and started to feel better. And that we will talk soon. He said he was leaving for Hawaii Sunday. I told him I would talked to him then.

Of course we texted but he didn’t call me till Monday when was officially locked in his room awaiting quarantine. I asked him how he was doing. How he was feeling and he asked what changed.

I said I made my decision in a tunnel and I saw you side of the situation What I was asking for didn’t make any since. I knew you didn’t pick a date that you were gonna file for divorce. I Was a child of divroce I understand a lot of things happened before that. And a few months back he had told me that he was well on the way and that they had talked about it. So I said it out loud and asked him to confirm and repeat me, Patrick, you are going to divorce your wife next year.

Yes Shannon I want to.

No Patrick want isn’t what I said. Im in this for you not to be the other woman,

Shannon, I am going to divorce my wife next year.

Well Shit, I guess we can talk as long as that is truly the case.

He stood and started dancing. He was smiling so big.

So we are back together? Yea, Well I Love you.

I love you too, I said. Ugh I can’t believe this. He showed himself in the mirror dancing all over the room, He was stuck in his room for the next 7 days. I was so excited to be able to talk this through with im for a bit. It was mid September, and he was gonna be back in La around beginning of November so I could probably see him then, We talked about that too.

I got off the phone and still felt really werid and talking to him again. TYPING THIS IM GETTING A PIT IN MY STOMACH . I was excited to have someone to talk to but I still couldn’t get all the thoughts from before out of my head when he wasn’t talking to me. When I found out he was on an anniversary trip while he was gone. Getting his cake and eating it too.

The next two days were like normal he even sent me the cutest photo of smoking out of the gift I got him. The Puffco peak, he was shirtless it was absolutely amazing. It made me feel more at home with talking to him and then he went silent again.

It was like I expected it but he was actually locked up in a hotel room in Hawaii before shooting some terrible MTV reality tv shows where they all get to fuck each other during this crazy COVID ness. But I thought I should give him some space.  

Finally I called me Sunday and he answered. Ohh Shit, He was out of his room and working, Call you later babe. Alright call you soon. It was excalty a month after he has seen me before and a year after he left me in LA ohh shit.what memories that brought up.

I didn’t hear from him till a few days later. I honestly had given up thinking of reason. It was a Monday.

Good New Bad news, Im gonna be a dad a again

WOW.

I know you didn’t want to hear this, I am so sorry Shannon, I never want to lie to you and I just found out and I couldn’t keep it from You,

Well I am glad you didn’t keep it form me, But Patrick, I am done, I can’t do this anymore,

I wish I was you.

I am heartbroken,

please don’t hate me

I can’t hate you but what I am just susposed to say my married boyfriend got his wife pregnant no big deal.

No, it isn’t okay, IM so sorry.

I blocked him two days later and realized so much that I said before I was a lie, I did fucking hate him, because all he did was lie to me, If he got his wife pregnant that everything he every said to me was a lie, You aren’t gonna get divorce next year, you aren’t going to ever sleep next to me for more two nights in a row. You will never say I love you to my face again.

I couldn’t decide what type of fish he was, if he was a selfish, Careless or reckless. I was so thankful, I couldn’t. It exactly two months after he came and saw me and I blocked his and his wives Instagram from all mine. She just announced her pregnancy. She has been pregnant since the beginning of July, You know what that means that is before he even emailed me about how he couldn’t stop thinking about me and needed me in his life, before he even came and saw me in Colorado for our romantic vacation. What the Fuck, did he know before how couldn’t he, the whole situation is the most fucked and im so glad to be out of it. But as I write this my throat get dry and started to hurt, my eyes well with tears. Because I really loved him, A lot I’ved never been more vulnerable with someone, I’ve never had a man say I love you first or even really I love you as freely as he did to me, Maybe that was the reckless part, I’ve never had a man tell me how beautiful I was and talked to me every day for a year caring or myself that was the carless part.

The Selfish part was both of us. It was me forgetting everything I stand for after I heard a few sweet nothing and a whole lot of lies, He was him bring me along for a ride he knew he was going to jump off at the most convenient time for him. He told me I at least give him that. But fuck he sure didn’t tell me the rest of the lies.