Life as how I see it....

Taco Wednesdays with the squad..... #getinmybelly #yummness #TGIF #tacos #phatgirlproblems #foodie

Sunday Funday with the FAMILY!!!! Love days like this. #familyfun #SundayFunday #playedhooky #primolove #summerfun (at Lake Elsinore city)

You brought me mix emotion, mostly happiness in joy.... I couldn't wait to hold u n kiss u.... U had other plans, u were ready to fly.... U catch me by surprise.... My heart wasn't ready.... No matter what I still love u just the same..... Forever in my heart!

Hate when I'm alone n can't shut them up, that's when they become strong n loud..... I try to keep my mind busy in other thing, n they seem to find their way in..... I try to drown them out, but again it's like fuel for them to become stronger n louder..... I try to keep sane but this monster inside my mind keep me uneasy.... I fear I've gone mad..... The struggle with them are getting stronger..... I fear they might win.... But I still fighting even when it's just easier to give up....

I haven't heard from you all day...... I text but no response, not even a hello I'm doing OK!!! I know you're busy!!!! But not hearing from you is playing with my mind !! I'm just thinking of what you're doing!! I want to believe that you are going to keep your words!! But there still a doubt in me.... I can't and I shouldn't compare you to the rest who have hurt me...... But my mind won't shut up because it keep playing games with me and my emotions..... Now I'm just laying here in a emotional mess trying to gather my thoughts.....Trying to keep positive..... What ever would be would be!!!! I been here before.... But by you're side is where I want to be!!!

I hate that I can't go to events by my self....That it makes me feel so damn awkward that everyone is w/ there family n I'm just the odd girl there....Everyone having a good time n I'm just standing there as it all passes by me so fast....It feels like I'm in the middle of the carousel n I'm just standing still....while it goes around n around so damn fast that I can't even see the faces anymore.....My anxiety hits hard I get so scared..... Only place I feel safe is at home! N that's where I go...go n hide from the word cuz I can't fight the inner demons!

I fear that I'm going mad..... Your words still hunt me..... Like you are still near me.... My mind keeps playing games w/ me..... Why can't u just leave me alone and let me be.... Your words are fresh n my mind.... Like new wounds that won't won't heal..... I fear u won't let me be till I'm 6 feet underground...... Even then I fear u wouldn't let me rest..... Yes cuz of u I fear I'm going mad!

Laying in this room we once share seems so empty...... This house seems so empty..... Once full of joy n happiness n life..... Now it's a pile of harsh truth! It was always empty.... I worked hard to make it a home n full of warm n happy..... But me alone did the work..... N I finally gave up n stop faking it n the truth shines through.... It was always just a plain empty space..... I was a fool for thinking other wise....

You don't like me that's perfectly well with me.... I'm ok w/ it.... I don't like my self at times for the BS u put in my head.... The only different now is I don't let u bring me down.... Don't let u play me like a fool.... Don't let u control me no more.... N that drive u crazy.... Funny u say ur So Happy but yet u so concern w/ my happy peaceful life.... Ur negative don't affect me no more.... I just wish u would leave me alone...

Hate u fill my heart with pain n broke it into million pieces...... Filled my eyes with painful tears..... They just water down my face n can't seem to find a way to stop the pain or at least numb this pain u put on me...... Yes u broke me.... Yet I wouldn't let u ruin me for the next 1...... I'm still going to jump head first...... Just be a lil more eye open.... Not so blinded.....

Ur body is my prison cell n ur heart is the prison guard..... I'll surrender and do what u want...... Just Promise me you'll protect me and love me and touch me.... Make me feel again.... N this cell I'll stay...... N I'll be ur slave.....

I saw u n my heart melted..... U look so big n scary but yet ur eye say other wise...... Ur huge hands comfort me n make me feel safe....... Yes ur broken w/ a hard past n far from perfect...... N yet I still want to be by ur side if u would let me...... I'm not looking for perfect...... I was just looking for u n the wrong direction......

So you say u want to be with me.... But u don't text or call.... When I reach out ur always busy..... But u get mad if I talk to other guys! If u don't want me let me go! I want to be w/ some1 that make me their #1.... Not just toyed w/ me n use me.... All I ask from the start was to be honest w/ me..... What can't u just be honest w/ me n ur self! Ur games are killing me.... I'm too tired n heart broken to put up w/ BS games!

I rather have u hurt me with the truth comfort me with a lie.... I refuse to Believe every word u said was a lie.... U told me that u were not like that.... That u like me too much to hurt me..... I Can't help stop dwelling on what ur doing n what happen to us.... I deserve a proper goodbye.... But just plain being ignored is like poison to my mind...I refuse to believe that this was just a joke/game..... I trusted u, n refuse to believe I was a fool for trusting u.... I did believe every word U ever told me.... Silly me....

Sitting here in my room alone staring at the bare walls.... I sit here in misery... Wondering if everything u said was a lie.... Or if I would ever be the women u want me to be.... I'm falling apart torn between fake n real.... I'm Drowning in my own mind.... I'm such a fool for you.... I lost myself in your words..... I'm stuck in this hell.... Wondering where I went wrong.... This feeling u left me with is a sickness.... kills any chance of full happiness.... I still see you, smell you..... Why can't I just shut u out, block u from my mind.... U sure made ur self at home in my mind... I wish I never let u in.... But that's a lie.... I'm glad I did.... All my fears came true..... Now I need to learn to face them!

Sad that we been together for 8 years n u know nothing about me! U could not answer simple question about me! I clearly see I was a free joy ride.... I gave u everything n in return I just asked for ur true love! Sad u could not take the time to appreciate me... I worked hard to make us work n make u happy! N return U just suck my joy n happiness away! Just took n took! N it was never enough! U stomp on my kindness n hard work like it was no big deal! Like it was my job to make u happy n take care of u! That I owe u because u took in my crazy messy self! What about me n my happiness!?! When I was down u only worry about ur needs.... All I needed was to be loved n taken care of for once! But u couldn't even man up for that.... U make it seem like sex with me is a choir..... N I need n want the opposite of u! I deserve some1 who would love me for me! N the good n bad!