Depression For Thoughts

I’m scared. Falling into the unknown is not for the weak. It’s not for the faint of heart. Is it deep, shallow, never ending, cold, warm, or just an overwhelming force that breaks you once you land? Is falling worth it? Maybe the fall will be never ending. There’s no telling when the end is near. Maybe it will break you before you hit the end.

To be used and discarded like an old towel is the equivalent of feeling of being reminded you are trash. To know that you were never cared for when you look for it in a place you thought was safe and only see disappointment and hurt. Yet, the world is nothing but cruel reminders that you aren’t supposed to be among the living anymore. So, how do you pull the trigger?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t go on. I’m sorry I gave up and was a coward for not facing the future. I wish I had the strength and power to keep going. Yet, the depth of despair keeps calling me like a siren in the waters. Luring me into the unknown, but the sounds of velvet and comfort blanket me with each call. I don’t know who I am saying sorry to as I will not be missed by anyone. No one truly cares for me. Maybe I am sorry to myself for being a stranger to my own soul. For betraying my body into not going further. I’m sorry I drifted into the depths of darkness and void. Yet, will I feel at home once I am gone?

To have all the people around you run away and feel so lonely is like when the frost creeps into your soul. No fire can warm those parts. Wondering when the perpetual winter will finally thaw over in the vacuum of space is a useless question. Being lonely without the care of another splits the heart into contempt and hatred. Hatred for all and oneself. Yet, the love of others never come. Never thaws.

If you were to say one thing to your younger self, what would you say?

How do you know it was true? The real thing that is what you’ve always wanted and craved? Was it just novelty that made it so desirable and different or was it real? I guess when you walk away from it and never look back, you might not ever get that answer, but at least it was something great while it lasted. The moments meant more than the air you breathed, but in the end, they smothered you like smoke in a tent. To want that touch again is toxic and not worth the pain.

When you’ve given up on fighting, is it better to have someone fight for you?

To run towards the snake that bit you and ask why is asking for answers that cannot be explained. Yet, my legs and brain run towards the towards answers that won’t be answered. I’m moving forward into the unknown and unavailable. It is something that won’t be obtained. But it feels like it will only end in death. Hopefully the end is a better life than this one.

Overthinking can lead to a thought that shouldn’t exist. Sometimes it not true, but sometimes it’s your brain telling you the truth. I wish it would quiet and not talk. The darkness and loneliness is where is shines the brightest. It’s not fair. It shouldn’t show at all. Why not just leave me alone?

God I wish the sadness would go away. I wish it would stop washing over me like a tidal wave in a storm. To just get out of the water and breathe fresh air. Yet, the world and my thoughts feel as though I’m drowning. There is not a breath of fresh air in sight. Who can you go to when you have no one? The depth and pit of despair is swallowing me whole. I don’t want to fight anymore. Just let it wash over me. Goodbye world.

FUCK. LIFE.

Round and round the cycle goes, when it stops, no one knows. To be the force strong enough to stop a whirlwind of life, half your life, how? What is the final thing that gets you to change it all? To stop and realize more is what you crave and deserve? Yet, you find yourself questioning if that is what you deserve every day. If this is life or the love you deserve because of the fucked up self you truly are. Is this really you? No one knows, not even you.

Self worth is gained by your own perception. We accept the love we think we deserve right? What if we feel like we don’t even deserve our own love? That when we look in the mirror we realize the horrors that are deep down and the blackest of black that no one including yourself can truly love back. The depth of despair and hatred runs so deep it is an onyx obsidian river. The end is no where near. No one can love that. No one can see past that darkness. Why should they? It isn’t worth trying to light up the darkness. But baby, let that darkness keep seeping through.

Loneliness. A cold and treacherous feeling. To know the absence of warmth and love is truly tragic. When can a heart feel warm again? When does the hurt blossom from the pain? Feelings or sadness and sorrow persist each every day until the world turns to black. To reach for a hand that doesn’t lace with yours back. To want to feel that love that you feel you deserve and get nothing but disappointment and an empty corridor back. Feeling the emptiness that surrounds you and your soul is something more that cannot be replaced or repaired. The darkness consumes until one day it envelops. Do you embrace the darkness too?

Time has passed and there were days where the thoughts were at bay. No despair creeped through the cracks. Yet, when they do, the tidal wave of unforgiving self doubt and hate just sweep the mind into an oblivion. How can one be swayed by something as simple as an emotion? To not feel could be the uprising and downfall of a person. For one who is simply alone, in life and thoughts, the feelings dictate the very fiber of their being. To see others feel loved, happy, full of life, and joyous just makes the self hated person feel like the world is always better off without them in it. Yet, to watch the world spin into a new day is something to look forward to. To hope that those feelings will be bestowed upon you. To hell with only relying on yourself and how you feel towards yourself. We all want to be apart of something, to be loved by someone, to feel like we are cared for. When we don’t, we fall apart. We stop feeling. We stop wanting to live. But when you give up so much to help others for nothing in return, when is it enough to finally let that tidal wave sweep over you into oblivion. Let the darkness take control.

How many times must I be treated less than the love I give to them for me to walk away? To run through the trenches and climb all the mountains just to receive only a fraction of the efforts I give. The exhaustion alone tares away at the soul. Yet, my mind and body succumbed to the pain. The pain of feeling like I am unworthy of love. I know deep down I don’t deserve love or a fraction of it. Not one person can grant me that. No matter how hard I try. And keep trying. Why must I try? I scream out for help yet I only get the superficial smiles and exchanges of words. Empty words and promises. This is how I know I don’t deserve love. Not one person can give me something genuine. I know I’m the problem. The question is, how do I end it?

Sadness grips the throat, heart and mind like a snare in a darkened night that no one can see much less anticipate. The crippling fear and depression sets in and causes the world to shift to a cataclysmic halt. How can one move on? To find shelter in the storm that rages ahead. Thunder echos far and yet near. To feel the reverberations down to your bones is an ache the mind can never escape. To feel all alone in the pain of the world. Is it ever going to stop? Is anyone ever going to truly be by my side to endure the suffering of this world? To walk by my side and hold my hand to have a shoulder to lean on in the darkest of storms. Where is my light in this darkness?