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To run towards the snake that bit you and ask why is asking for answers that cannot be explained. Yet, my legs and brain run towards the towards answers that won’t be answered. I’m moving forward into the unknown and unavailable. It is something that won’t be obtained. But it feels like it will only end in death. Hopefully the end is a better life than this one.
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Sometimes you gotta draw yourself happy when you're not so happy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ TW: talk about depression and some serious thoughts that come with it. Honestly can't tell if I'm being melodramatic or not, if I told my family they would probably think so. But anyways, I kinda feel like my life is falling apart? I know this year has been really hard on everyone, but man does 2020 like to beat the shit out of everyone close to me and myself. With me not being able to get a job, loosing my religion, my house burning, being homeless for a month, a literal pandemic, my dad loosing his job, being in my childhood house where I relive old traumas, my friend going through some shit with the Navy and had to be immitted to a mental hospital, another friend getting covid, my dad having a stroke and staying in the VA hospital for almost 4 days, my uncle's family getting covid, my therapist telling me that he doesn't believe in HRT and transitioning, my mom saying that me being transgender is being sick and that needs to be cured, feeling guilty over my dad's stroke, and finally overall feeling shity. I've had thoughts on ending it. It's honestly hard to see a future for me. I don't really have a way to express any of it. If I say these things out loud the best thing that could happen is that I get slapped in the mouth and the worst is that I could give my dad another stroke. The only things keeping me going is the possible guilt that if I die my dad might die with me and the possibility that no one will take care of my precious bunny. I guess that that should be enough for a while. I think that's all? Sorry about the vent. . . . /// #vent #ventposts #ventartwork #art #artistsoninstagram #charabart #triggerwaning #depressiontalk https://www.instagram.com/p/CB7dwVvDiQY/?igshid=l2yuq7sjtyni
I wish I wasn't an unloveable monster. Sometimes I get worried about what will keep me going when my dog goes...
God I wish the sadness would go away. I wish it would stop washing over me like a tidal wave in a storm. To just get out of the water and breathe fresh air. Yet, the world and my thoughts feel as though I’m drowning. There is not a breath of fresh air in sight. Who can you go to when you have no one? The depth and pit of despair is swallowing me whole. I don’t want to fight anymore. Just let it wash over me. Goodbye world.
FUCK. LIFE.
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Loneliness. A cold and treacherous feeling. To know the absence of warmth and love is truly tragic. When can a heart feel warm again? When does the hurt blossom from the pain? Feelings or sadness and sorrow persist each every day until the world turns to black. To reach for a hand that doesn’t lace with yours back. To want to feel that love that you feel you deserve and get nothing but disappointment and an empty corridor back. Feeling the emptiness that surrounds you and your soul is something more that cannot be replaced or repaired. The darkness consumes until one day it envelops. Do you embrace the darkness too?
I’m scared. Falling into the unknown is not for the weak. It’s not for the faint of heart. Is it deep, shallow, never ending, cold, warm, or just an overwhelming force that breaks you once you land? Is falling worth it? Maybe the fall will be never ending. There’s no telling when the end is near. Maybe it will break you before you hit the end.
To have all the people around you run away and feel so lonely is like when the frost creeps into your soul. No fire can warm those parts. Wondering when the perpetual winter will finally thaw over in the vacuum of space is a useless question. Being lonely without the care of another splits the heart into contempt and hatred. Hatred for all and oneself. Yet, the love of others never come. Never thaws.
