asia

This week i had a trial day at a local private museum that hosts many wonderful artworks including Picasso, Paolo Veronese, Amedeo Modigliani, Andrea Mantegna, Katsushika Hokusai, Andy Warhol, other than beautiful pieces of ancient and Renaissance applied arts.

I stood and walked for eight hours on two floors to check every room, talked to visitors and even made some friends; all to then be ghosted for three days until i sent an e-mail to which they responded turning me down for the job...

In the past I tried to do an uni internship with them but they ghosted me. Then, I sent a spontaneous application and I obtained an interview, then a trial day, then I work for eight hours (time I could have used for writing my thesis) for free because here "it works like this", then i hear nothing from them for three days until they tell me that they prefer to concentrate their forces into the personnel they already have.

Now, I know that maybe it's not that deep, but why do certain workplaces behave like so? Someone might say that I should insist, that private institutions play hard to get, but i don't have the time to play such games since i must get this degree in three months, and I reached to them because they do have a program with job on call for university students... and i did insist already, i went there many times before getting an interview....

spent the morning picking up peas, onions and eggplants, then making a tomato basil onion sauce😽

guys!!! bought my first pair of friulane yayyyy happy

why did I wash my hair at my grandpa's with some random off-brand 2 in 1 shampoo-conditioner and my hair feel cleaner than ever, voluminous and light and peach scented, meanwhile when i wash them at home with a Franck Provost mango seed shampoo no sulfites no silicones no gluten no almonds no nothing, they feel heavy and dirty?!

Guys, i am doing bad. Everyday i feel the rooted need of moving out of my parents' house and live by myself in a new city (i mean, it wouldn't be sane the contrary )But then my bf would be far, more far away than now as he lives in another city as well. My brain is lost trying to find an answer to the question: what do i want? What will i do in the future? What road do I follow?

I'm really not ready to not be a student anymore, as i'll graduate in September, at least for a year, because now it's too late to apply o a master's program and i don't have any idea of what university to continue with, so i will work Sept-Aug full time to earn some money either aupairing in france or doing some exchange because i crave solo time. I need a place to belong to that isn't my home town or my house, where I can be another version of me, know myself better, be myself outside of my parents view that keeps me insecure and needy.

I literally don't know what i want to do. It's terrifying, because the consequences of the choice will be mine and mine only.

I missed the college experience because i couldn't afford to pay rent in another city, i would commute everyday and be back by 6 pm so i did not live the city's night life, neither did i live through the library, talking to professors post lecture, research the city's hidden spots...

I really love to study, going to class is literally one of my favourite things ever, i'm so scared of not doing it because i align myself with student identity so much and even if in theory it's not right, i still fall into this trap of forgetting myself in favor of a homogeneous and basic identity that doesn't do any justice to the multi-faceted of my being.

One of my biggest dreams has always been studying in England, but it has prohibitive prices compared to my hometown and it's so difficult to go there since brexit, so i fell back on france\paris because they have such prestigious and nice universities for art history and i want to learn another language because i'm tired of knowing only 2, since i've always been passionate about languages, their sound, their alphabets. BUT i don't know if this will be the right decision, im so afraid of making a mistake and losing time! and i know what you will say, just make the mistake because it makes you grow and while YES this is technically true, you still bring the error with you all the time and it hurts!!! i want to diminish that pain! but also i feel as if i don't suffer enough because im keeping myself from experiencing things as they might hurt me.

and like i can't fathom how girls my age have all this money, and live in paris at 19, and attend prestigious colleges, and buy shoes every month, and have 5 different boyfriends a year without feeling unbearable pain, and study 8 hours per day, and be sociable and i feel stuck STUCK!!!!!