Guys, i am doing bad. Everyday i feel the rooted need of moving out of my parents' house and live by myself in a new city (i mean, it wouldn't be sane the contrary )But then my bf would be far, more far away than now as he lives in another city as well. My brain is lost trying to find an answer to the question: what do i want? What will i do in the future? What road do I follow?
I'm really not ready to not be a student anymore, as i'll graduate in September, at least for a year, because now it's too late to apply o a master's program and i don't have any idea of what university to continue with, so i will work Sept-Aug full time to earn some money either aupairing in france or doing some exchange because i crave solo time. I need a place to belong to that isn't my home town or my house, where I can be another version of me, know myself better, be myself outside of my parents view that keeps me insecure and needy.
I literally don't know what i want to do. It's terrifying, because the consequences of the choice will be mine and mine only.
I missed the college experience because i couldn't afford to pay rent in another city, i would commute everyday and be back by 6 pm so i did not live the city's night life, neither did i live through the library, talking to professors post lecture, research the city's hidden spots...
I really love to study, going to class is literally one of my favourite things ever, i'm so scared of not doing it because i align myself with student identity so much and even if in theory it's not right, i still fall into this trap of forgetting myself in favor of a homogeneous and basic identity that doesn't do any justice to the multi-faceted of my being.
One of my biggest dreams has always been studying in England, but it has prohibitive prices compared to my hometown and it's so difficult to go there since brexit, so i fell back on france\paris because they have such prestigious and nice universities for art history and i want to learn another language because i'm tired of knowing only 2, since i've always been passionate about languages, their sound, their alphabets. BUT i don't know if this will be the right decision, im so afraid of making a mistake and losing time! and i know what you will say, just make the mistake because it makes you grow and while YES this is technically true, you still bring the error with you all the time and it hurts!!! i want to diminish that pain! but also i feel as if i don't suffer enough because im keeping myself from experiencing things as they might hurt me.
and like i can't fathom how girls my age have all this money, and live in paris at 19, and attend prestigious colleges, and buy shoes every month, and have 5 different boyfriends a year without feeling unbearable pain, and study 8 hours per day, and be sociable and i feel stuck STUCK!!!!!
PS did not revise, this was written with a lump in my throat and dirty hair thankss