Starboy

I have a hard time sometimes figuring it out, what it is that I grieve. I grieve a lot of things: my sister, my papa, my grandpa, my friends- those who died and those who disappeared and those who left. I grieve the could have beens. If i'd been loved as a child, supported. If people had faced themselves rather than leaving. If I had been braver. If I had cared less, cared more, been stronger. There's so much grief that I drown in it sometimes.

But there's one thing in particular and I'm never sure if it was certain moments or people I grieve, or if it was me in those moments. And sometimes, especially recently, I've had days were I was that person again, and I am starting to believe that it's myself I grieve.

The me that laughed about a stupid shoe joke on a rollercoaster. The me that sprinted, laughing, through the middle of an amusement park with a stranger. The me that pulled a stranger onto a gravitron and showed him that you can climb the sides when it really gets going. The me that used to put my hand out the window and play with the wind. The me that used to put my foot out the window on the interstate while driving and singing. The me that used to sprint along the edges of ocean waves and nearly fall off a cliff on brasstown bald because i was far more concerned about the view than if that rock was stable. I used to laugh and play and goof off. I raced along the edges of the fountains at the mall, and jumped in the sea fully clothed.

I used to climb buildings and run along rooftops. I used to run along tree branches in the forest. I stole my own car once, took the t tops out and drove around for hours in the middle of the night screaming along to guns n roses. I jumped around at a concert with a friend of mine looking like total morons. I spent a whole day at a waterpark falling for a complete stranger only to never see him again. I climbed a waterfall because my family fucked up and took their eyes off me for too long. I used to go get lost in malls on my own, go to random places and explore. I used to RUN. I used to live.

And some days, I'm getting part of that back. I thought it was dead, genuinely. I thought that me was gone. But Matt showed me it wasn't, and Trevor is taking the time to revive it. I have days now, where I dance on the roof, where I do shit for the plot, where I flirt back. I have days where I drive and laugh. Where I consider doing something on whether it'll be fun rather than if it'll make me anxious.