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@labeb
All roads unfortunately lead back to tumblr.

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august will be good august will be good august will be good august will be good august will be good august will be good august will be good august will be good august will be good august will be good august will be good
Sometimes self-harm wears soft disguises — not razors or bruises, but silence and neglect. It's in the slow unravelling of care: the showers that go untaken, the clutter that grows like ivy, the meals skipped with a shrug. It's drinking three cups of coffee and calling it breakfast, not because you're busy — but because you don't believe you're worth feeding.
It's sleeping on top of the covers in yesterday’s clothes, scrolling until your eyes burn, chasing noise to drown out the ache. It's deleting messages before they’re sent, staying small in conversations, hiding your laughter like it’s something dangerous.
It's saying no to things you love before anyone else gets the chance to. Turning away from kindness because you don't know how to hold it. It's setting your dreams on fire before they have a chance to breathe - not because you don’t care, but because you’ve been taught that joy is something earned through suffering. And so you become your own gatekeeper, punishing yourself in invisible ways. But wounds don’t always bleed. Sometimes, they look like a life unlived, a light dimmed on purpose, a heart whispering, “I don’t deserve this” to every good thing it meets.
Self-harm can be the quiet art of self-erasure. It's ignoring your reflection because you can’t bear the sight of yourself, or drowning in oversized clothes to avoid being perceived. It's canceling plans that made your heart flutter just yesterday, because somewhere between then and now, you decided you weren’t lovable enough to show up. It’s walking into a room and shrinking, speaking in softened tones so you don’t take up space, apologizing for existing in places where you’re allowed to be. It’s procrastinating dreams until they rot, because the thought of succeeding feels more unbearable than failing.
Sometimes it looks like pouring love into everyone else but keeping none for yourself. Giving until you’re empty, then blaming yourself for feeling hollow. It's avoiding doctors when you're unwell, skipping therapy sessions, or pretending you're fine because vulnerability feels like a luxury. It’s surrounding yourself with people who don’t see you - or worse, people who hurt you — because deep down, you believe that’s all you’re worth. It’s not a cry for attention. It’s a deeply ingrained belief that pain is your baseline and anything gentler must be a mistake.
i'm tired so i say i will just handle it tomorrow but then it is tomorrow and there's another thing i have to do today so now i have two things to handle (today and yesterday's burdens) so now i'm stressed about doing both and then i spend an hour thinking about how both of these things are going to take up so much time and energy and i should have done that other thing yesterday and it's not even that hard and i get stuck doomscrolling or whatever so now i have to mentally make rules to combat the procrastination because i really do need to get at least one thing done today so i don't let myself eat or sleep or enjoy things until one thing gets done but despite the rules i still can't make myself just get up and start so i get locked for hours in the in-between where my body is frozen and rotting but my mind is on fire in a glass box and honestly in these wasted long hours i don't think i even see the world around me and after a long time eventually if i'm very lucky/have sufficiently punished myself into movement i finally manage to do one or both things on my list and that should be great but instead of feeling proud or relaxed i'm annoyed with myself because i've wasted the day and how can i be exhausted when i literally haven't done anything and literally so many adults have actual lives and problems and meanwhile i can't manage basic fucking tasks and then i realize oh fuck there's a third thing which i forgot about until now and but i really am tired so i say i will just handle it tomorrow but then it is tomorrow

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Mental illness has ruined my fucking life don’t ever tell me that it’s a choice.
being depressed emotionally but not mentally is. weird
my thoughts aren't dark, life doesn't feel hopeless, I know the mood will pass, I'm calm and at ease with that
but I still feel flat, tired, unenthusiastic about anything, I don't want to eat, I'm not drinking enough water, I didn't leave bed today until 6pm
but when I did I stood outside, I planted my bare feet in the wet grass, and for a moment I didn't feel so numb, for a moment it was nice. I enjoyed that. I was capable of enjoying that, even if briefly
it's like I'm stuck halfway, I feel like thunder without rain
just kinda weird
Tawanda Mulalu, from Please Make Me Pretty, I Don't Want to Die: Poems; “Good Long Poem”
As someone who likes being alone all the time usually, you know shit is getting bad when feeling alone starts to actually hurt you for once and you just want someone to hold you and be there.
Depression in fiction is almost always written as sadness. Crying, staring out windows, saying bleak things. And sometimes it is that. But a lot of the time it's nothing. It's your character doing the dishes and feeling nothing about the dishes or anything else. It's getting through a day that should have feeling in it and finding only flatness. It's laughing at a joke and noticing you laughed and feeling separate from the laugh. That grey numb version is harder to write and so much more true. Try that one.

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and just like that, I’m back in the same place I fought so hard to get out of
Feeling like you're too much is honestly one of the worst feelings to possibly exist. It just feels like you need to stop being yourself and existing all together. It's like you crawl out of your own skin and laugh in disgust at what remains, it's pathetic. And so saddening.
nobody talks about how exhausting it is to live in that space between "things will get better" and "i can't handle this anymore." it's like your emotions are constantly swinging. leaving you both hopeful and defeated in the same day.
There’s not an easy way to say this but… I absolutely fucking hate myself

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sorry i never responded to your text, i've been busy being paralyzed by my own inability to do basic tasks that are piling up.
passive suicidal thoughts are the worst.. i'm not even trying to kill myself but still wishing all the time whether something happens and i just vanish away from this world.. maybe being hit while crossing road or getting a life threatening disease.. inside, it keeps eating me alive