Kylie Faith Buchanan

After Zander died, I missed my period and i thought I was pregnant. I’ve never told anyone that. Sometimes, I really wish I had been. 

-

That sounds oddly comforting actually. 

I’m Anniston.

-

Yeah, I’ve never been a fan of the quiet even growing up so it’s nice to know you’ll always just find someone around making some noise, I guess. As long as it’s someone you like, but most of us get along these days. 

This house is even bigger than Seymour described it to be…

Rex. Ugh. That was his name. Rex. What kind of name was Rex, anyhow? Joey didn’t care to hear all about him, but there Kylie went, droning on and on for what felt like an hour about how good he is and what he makes her feel. Joey didn’t care to hear any of it. He didn’t want to know that someone else was making her happy when it should’ve been him. It should’ve been him all along. Joey couldn’t help but feel like he screwed everything up. He never should’ve dated Brooke or Winnie or even tried to kiss Avalon… Ugh. Avalon. That was a lost cause in and of itself. 

Joey would always wonder what they could’ve been, but Avalon was at home with Grey, and he was on the beach with Kylie. And he was having to see her twin sister and her boyfriend lovey dovey and all over each other. And honestly, Joey didn’t even really know if he wanted to be in a relationship. He did know he wanted Kylie to be closer to him. He wanted to be around her all the time. He wanted to make her smile and laugh and be there for when she cried and needed someone to hold her. He wanted to hold her. When he saw a couple of tears fall from her eyes, he reached to wipe them away, but she had instinctually done so already. 

Honestly, Joey understood where she was coming from. He understood wanting to make someone proud. He didn’t know who he was trying to make proud. He didn’t have parents who loved him, and every day, the memories of his grandparents were slipping further and further away. The group home he lived in was the topic of all of the trauma work he’d been doing, so there was no way to forget all of that. But still, he understood. He wanted to make Nora proud, sorta. He wanted to make Ryder proud. He wanted to make Kylie proud too. He wanted to go to UNC. Play soccer. Get a degree. Make it into the big leagues… None of that was possible, and he had a daily reminder of waking up in what now felt like his childhood bedroom on the bottom bunk only to have to hobble down the stairs for breakfast. 

Joey had cried so hard that he could barely control his breath. He had that sort of hiccup-y breathing going on. Kylie was holding his hands, but he let go of hers to wrap his arms around her again. Kylie was his person and he didn’t want her going back to school without knowing that. “I know you can’t come home. And I’m happy you have friends there. I just feel like I want to be selfish, I guess, and keep you all to myself. But that’s not fair, and I know it.” He imagined who he would’ve met in North Carolina and if he’d run into his parents there… that’s where he lived before the group home and before Nora’s. He wondered who he’d be by now and if he would have even come home to visit or been on the Hawaii trip. “I love you, Kyles. I know you have to head back to school soon, but…. Will you just… be here, with me for the rest of the week then?”

Joey’s hair had become curlier and curlier with age, and now, it was beautiful and spiral-y and nearly put Kylie’s to shame. As he held her close, she twirled a curl of his that was near his neck around her index finger, watching his teary eyes with some glossy ones of her own. How did they get there? It had been so many ups and downs, so many innocent, idiotic moments. Yet, Kylie was sure as they continued to grow up and make mistakes they’d still find their way back to one another. She wondered what they’d both be like in their mid-twenties. If they’d be in love still. Well, she was sure they would still be in love - it was more of a question if they’d end up together. She hoped they would. If Bryce and Ryder could figure it out, build a family and make their dreams come true, couldn’t Kylie and Joey? It didn’t have to happen overnight. She’d have to graduate college, and Joey would have to make his new, reinvented, post-accident dreams come true, but they could do it couldn’t they? Kylie wondered for a moment how curly their childrens hair would be...

“I love you too, Joey.” It felt so much heavier than it did when they were in the seventh and eighth grade. It was weighted like an anchor and Kylie wanted to crawl into Joey’s arms and let it both sink them forever. It was sweet and warm and the feeling of being wanted so strongly was something that she’d been missing from Rex. Or perhaps something she’d been ignoring, because it never felt quite as good unless it was coming from Joseph Maples. 

“...I’ll be with you for the rest of the week, for the flight home, and for the two and a half days I’ll have before I have to catch my flight back,” Kylie smiled, tenderly kissing both of Joey’s tear-stained cheeks, “You can even drive me to the airport if you’re not sick of me by then.” 

They did have the same face. They had minor differences. Scars in different places. A couple of miss matched freckles. Kinley had a birthmark on her face as a kid that faded as they got older, but even looking at them back then, you could barely tell. And now, their hair color was really the key to tell them apart. New people in the house would often get confused, but it didn’t hurt Kinley’s feelings to be called Kylie. Ever. Kinley loved her sister more than anything or anyone in the world. Their mother always told them that no matter how much they fought, at the end of the day, they would always have each other. Kylie was a built-in best friend, and as much as she said she was okay with it, living on opposite sides of the country was horrible. It was hard. At the end of a long day, Morgan was great. She loved sitting in his arms, hearing his heart beat at the end of the night, but she wanted Kylie. She wanted to sit on her sister’s bed and watch engagement videos on Youtube and planning their futures. Kinley needed Kylie to survive, and even when they fought, they never stayed mad at each other. That’s probably why Kinley didn’t lock the door. 

She was laid in bed, holding a pillow in her arms. All of the emotions she’d been repressing for months were bubbling up. Kylie opened the door, and Kinley sat up on the bed. Kylie sat next to her and she just kept crying. After a couple of nudges from Ky, Kinley laid her head in her sister’s lap and cried. “You just embarrassed me in front of Morgan.” That was the truth. Though they were childhood friends, duet partners, a happy couple in love, Kinley was still trying to impress him. She wanted him to think she was cool. She wanted him to think she was perfect, and to be outed for having touched up the photo… it was scary. She didn’t want him to change his opinion on her and leave. She was in love with Morgan, and it wasn’t something that was easy for her to admit. She was scared of falling for him even more and getting hurt. She was sure she would never recover from that hurt if it ever came. When it came, she had been telling herself. 

“I wish Mom and Dad were still around. I love New York, but it makes me think of them. I miss them, but… I don’t know. I can barely remember what Dad looked like. What his voice sounded like. I can remember Mom. I can watch her videos. I can hear her. I just wish they never had to go away. I wasn’t ready for them to go away.” She cried. “And I miss you. I miss Kelsie too. I wish we didn’t live so far away. And I wish I was okay. I know I’m not, but I’m trying. I just… I don’t know. I don’t know.” Kylie had been dealing with a lot of people she loved crying. Kinley didn’t want to make her be the one to pick up all the pieces all the time, but she couldn’t help but cry. And cry. And cry. After a few minutes, however, Kinley felt better. She sat up and hugged Kylie really long and tight. “It’s so hard being so far away from you. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we just hated each other.”

There were times in Kylie’s life when she needed to be held and coddled and healed and no one was there for her. Before her parents passed, they were great at giving her what she needed. She was always just a little more than Kinley. A little louder. A little bolder. A little needier. They understood that and so they gave their little rambunctious daughter what she needed - extra mommy or daddy time, more flexibility when it was bedtime, additional dance classes to curb her nonstop energy. When Kylie arrived at Nora’s, she arrived without her support system. Kinley and Kelsie had already been there for a few months and established friendships and support in the older kids, and Kylie walked in as the damaged, wild twelve year old with stuff to prove. Nora didn’t hug her when she acted out. None of the big girls took her under their wings when she did naughty things to catch their eyes for attention. They just let Kylie be crazy Kylie, but they didn’t offer her lots of support. She didn’t blame them for the way she turned out. Hell, she was doing great now, but she knew it was the reason why she let so many of her close family and friends confide in her now. She wanted to be there for everyone because no one deserved to feel alone.

“I’m sorry...” Kylie frowned, unaware that she’d embarrassed her twin. She let Kinley lay her head in her lap, and soon, the only sounds that Kylie could make out was the heaving and crying of her sister, and the quiet steps of Milania to peak in and make sure everything was alright. Kylie gave her a tiny thumbs-up, and as she listened to Kinley talk, her eyes welled with tears too. It was a twin thing. She definitely believed they were connected on some special level other than just normal siblings. “I miss you too. So much. Honestly, I don’t know how I’m gonna do it another three years...” She petted Kinley’s head, “I will ‘cause I know Mom would be so disappointed if I came home early, but it really is so hard. They always wanted us to lean on each other, but I bet they didn’t mean lean this much. Oh well. That’s what they get for leaving us!” 

College had done Kylie good. She seemed older and wiser. She seemed more level headed. He was jealous of her. He wished he could’ve gone to UNC. He wished he could’ve met new people out there and lived a whole life that no one in Brooksville knew about. Instead,  he was at Greenville U and he was in class with almost everyone he went to high school with and everyone he beat the crap out of in soccer. He watched the soccer games and cheered for his friends and he drove around Brooksville by himself, wishing Kylie or Winnie could be there. Mostly Kylie though. He was lonely. He was really lonely, and he didn’t know why he was dealt the hand of cards he was. It didn’t seem fair. But he started volunteering at the shelter where Tucker worked and he was thinking about working at the YMCA to coach a little league soccer team. So he was trying, but at the end of the day, he was lonely. 

Kylie lectured him, their feet in dusty white sand. There she went on and on about how he was allowed to feel things. He was allowed to be upset. He was allowed to be angry and that she was sorry for him. And he was angry. He was upset. He had a thousand emotions in his body that he couldn’t explain and couldn’t even decide where to start or where to go or what to do with any of them. He just wanted to disappear. He had his next four years planned out, and in one swift kick, Joey slipped on the wet turf and fell, twisting and cracking and bending in all the wrong ways. And he knew he’d never be the same. He knew his plan was wrecked. Senior year of high school destroyed. College obliterated. And then he watched all his friends move away, go off to college, and start the rest of their lives when Joey was stuck in a tunnel of self hatred and purposelessness. And he cracked. He caved. He cried harder, picking his arms up and draping them over Kylie’s shoulders. He wanted her to hold him like she always did and he could help the tears falling from his eyes to his cheeks to her shoulders. 

He stood up after a few minutes, wiping his face with the back of his hands like a little kid. Kylie genuinely knew everything about him, and she didn’t look at him like he was broken or dirty or different or like he was other. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about seeing someone,” he said, the back of his hands still at his eyes. He wanted to put on a big sweat shirt and a pair of comfy shorts and sit on the couch, watching a movie. But there he was, still in his bathing suit, his knee still throbbing. “I just… I guess I sorta thought you liked me last summer, before you left. And I know you took all our framed photos with you. They weren’t in your room. So I.. I don’t know. I know we’re best friends, but… I guess I just was thinking too much into it.”

After Kylie spewed her thoughts and feelings, she watched Joey’s eyes. It was as if the wires in his mind were figuring out the ways they wanted to connect. Would Sadness continue to take control? Perhaps Anger would step in? Kylie was sure the little red guy probably wasn’t far away. Both she and Joey had hot tempers when they were younger, but luckily they were beginning to cool down a little. Joey sobbed, hard and heavily, and Kylie saw that one again that rotten Sadness had one. Kylie held him like she had so many times before - the tall, sweet boy she’d loved since she was practically thirteen years old, and wondered how they’d gotten there. One moment, they were laying in the bottom bunk of Joey’s bed and in the next - they were adults who barely saw each other and were simply trying to heal. 

Joey took a few minutes to sob, and once he was through and began to talk, Kylie almost wished he’d just kept crying. Deep down, she knew if she’d told him how she really felt about him before UCLA, she would’ve never left, and she couldn’t do that to her parents. She couldn’t do that to herself. She had to see the world and live her life to the fullest. Kylie could still hear her mom in her ear at her first audition, instructing her to stand in the very front with her chin held high and to put all of the other seven year olds to shame.  She remembered that day so vividly, her youthful confidence and the way she nailed the audition and landed the role, and she hadn’t stop chasing that feeling since. She still searched for her mom’s proud face in the audience even after all these years.

“I know it’s been...geez...eight years since my parents passed away and I shouldn’t worry so much about making them proud still, but I do. And if I’m being honest, I still like you, Joey. I always have...” Kylie’s words tasted sweet even though they were quiet and filled with some nerves. If she was being true to herself, she shouldn’t be that nervous. She’d just plead with Joey to be his real, true, vulnerable self and if she held back, well, then that’d be hypocritical and she hated hypocrites. “And, I always will,” She said, squeezing his hands in hers, “I always will like you until hopefully -- hopefully we end up together someday or something. But...I can’t leave UCLA. I can’t disappoint them. If I don’t do everything I’m supposed to in my life it’s like...I feel like they died in vain then, and I don’t want to feel that way.” Kylie hadn’t felt them before, but the few tears that had pooled in her eyes finally fell down her tanned cheeks. She wiped them away with her hands and then grabbed Joey’s once more.

Brooksville had Echo beach, and they always had parties there. But the sand wasn’t nearly as white or as soft as the Hawaiian sand. The water wasn’t as warm either. It wasn’t as pretty or as special, and that’s probably why people took vacations. For the specialness of it all. The sand was so soft, in fact, that it almost hurt to walk on. The strain in Kinley’s calf was unfamiliar, despite having been in an intense college dance program for a year. Kinley liked what the beach had to offer so far, but she figured by the time their trip ended, she’d be over the sand and the water and bathing suits and she would probably be sunburnt and ready to go home. But not home to Brooksville, home to New York. That was the odd thing about coming home from college. She no longer felt at home in a place that was more familiar than her new place. 

Kylie leaned over to look at Kinley’s phone. They didn’t have many secrets from each other growing up, and often times, the girls didn’t have good boundaries with each other. Kinley was immediately embarrassed. Kylie was so loud, and Kinley’s eyes immediately shot for Morgan. Of course he didn’t look at them or even seem to hear her, but Kinley felt like she could melt away and she’d be okay with it. She also felt like she could send a knife directly through Kylie’s skull and not have any sense of remorse. “Shut up!” Kinley shouted, much louder than Kylie’s initial remark. “I care! Okay?! I care about it, and I have people following me who care about it.” Now, though, Morgan was looking back. Jaci was even looking, but Kelsie seemed used to it, ignoring it like always. “You don’t get it!” Kinley could feel the angry tears pooling behind her eyes. She didn’t know why she was so angry or why she was set off so quickly. Jaci ushered Kelsie away, and Kelsie followed blindly. Morgan stood awkwardly, unsure of what to do. Kinley was just so angry. “It’s easier for you because you’re prettier than me and more talented than me and you don’t get it! You never have. I hate you!” She took off running, back up towards their house, calves aching. 

As much as Kinley and Kylie’s parents tried to make them their own individual human-beings, sometimes it was easier to go the Mary-Kate and Ashley twin route, especially when the girls were younger. They had endless pictures from their childhood and up until their parents passed away of Kelsie in a coordinating outfit that matched Kinley and Kylie’s identical dresses or shirts. Sometimes, Kylie couldn’t even tell herself apart in photos. As they grew older and were able to begin distinguishing themselves and their differences, Kinley always seemed to struggle a little bit more. She was the beautiful, leggy, contemporary dancer. Kylie thrived in musical theater and jazz and hip-hop. Kinley was quiet. Kylie was...well, Kylie. Eli had even began calling Kinley “Kin Kin the Good Twin” behind Kylie’s back for quite a while and though it sometimes hurt her feelings - it was true. Kinley was inherently good, and though she’d had her fair share of mental health struggles, Kylie wouldn’t believe anything else but good things about her sister. 

As Kinley exploded, Kylie shrunk into herself a little bit, her arms draping over her own belly. She didn’t want Kinley to be feeling insecure, especially at her expense. If Kylie was being honest, she thought Kinley in her green bikini looked even better than Kylie did, but Kylie wouldn’t say that. Instead, she listened to Kinley yell, and watched as Morgan tried to awkwardly decipher what to do in the situation.

“I’m not prettier than you!” Kylie shouted out to Kinley as she took off running back up towards the house, “We have the same face!”

It had been months since Kylie and Kinley had seen each other, and since they were finally on vacation, Kylie decided no amount of exhausted anger from her twin would stop them from having fun together, so she ran up the beach after her, gently tapping Morgan on the arm as if to say “I got this one,” and headed inside the house and upstairs to the bedroom that Kinley and Morgan would be sharing for the weekend. To her surprise, the door wasn’t locked, so Kylie spotted Kinley on the bed (luckily without a hanger or something in her hands to swing at her), and walked in slowly.

If someone had taken a picture of Joey and Kylie in the moments they were sitting there, not speaking, it could’ve been a poster. It could’ve been a book cover. It could’ve been a scene in a coming-of-age movie. And it felt like a movie moment, too. It didn’t feel like real life. Then again, nothing since Joey tore is ACL felt like real life. It all felt like a movie. A TikTok video said to think of the inconveniences in your life as “being good for the plot” because you’re the main character. Joey knew it was just a joke, but part of that comforted him. “It’s good for the plot,” he would tell himself, but what even was the plot anymore? 

Joey ran a hand through his curls. Kylie had been his first friend when he moved in. His first kiss. His first love, really. Joey and Kelsie got along well, and he and Kinley were playful, pulling pranks and jokes on each other. The way Morgan and Kinley were with each other is how Joey and Kylie were at one point. In a more kiddish way because they were just kids when they met. Joey had since made mistakes with girls he didn’t want to speak about and fell in love with a couple others, but in the end, everything circled back to Kylie. “I know you were seeing someone at UCLA,” Joey admitted. “Kelsie told me.” It was quite for another moment. That’s not why he was upset, but it’s what he said. He changed the subject again, though, and said, “It’s just my bum knee. All my dreams died when I got hurt, and now I can’t do jack shit. It’s not fucking fair.” It felt like that’s what all their conversations came back around. Joey just wanted someone to acknowledge that it wasn’t fair and that he deserved more, but no one ever said that. He stood up, his knee throbbing. “I’ll be okay.” He took a step down, putting his hands in his pockets. “Always am.”

“I know you were seeing someone at UCLA,” Joey admitted. “Kelsie told me.” As Joey spoke, Kylie bit her tongue. Then, she wanted to punch Kelsie’s ribcage a few hundred times, but she wouldn’t. Ultimately, Kylie wasn’t Joey’s and Joey wasn’t Kylie’s. He wouldn’t stop his girl friends from kissing him, she was sure. If he was at a party and a random, pretty girl approached him, he’d take her home. So why did she feel so guilty about Rex? Why did she wish it was Joey instead? “I...” Kylie wanted to say something, but she wasn’t sure if there was anything she could say to defend her case, and plus, Joey spoke up again soon after his first statement anyways, his voice full of a mixture of anger and sadness this time around.

it’s you. and it’s me.

Maya stole the football and took off running, but Joey’s knee couldn’t keep up. It almost immediately cramped up, and it pissed him off. Isaiah kept running, but Joey just turned around. He kicked the sand with his good leg and started hobbling back to Nora’s house. He was pretty sure he was staying with Ryder and Bryce, but he hadn’t made it down the beach yet. Nora’s was the farthest from Ryder’s, but he’d make it down there eventually. He couldn’t help but cry as he walked up the beach, from the water to the back porch of Travis and Milania’s house, not quite making it to Nora’s. He covered his hands with his eyes and heard Ramona and Fifi scream inside, erupting the house in laughter. Kylie, Kinley, and Morgan came up from the beach, Kinley and Morgan looking at each other in that certain way, Kylie asking for Kinley to AirDrop the photos. Joey hoped he went invisible as they passed, but when Kylie sat down next to him, he knew he wasn’t. She didn’t say anything, and he didn’t say anything. And for a few minutes, they were just quiet. “I’m glad it’s you,” Joey said, breaking the silence. He could tell she was looking at him now. “It’s just….” he covered his mouth with his hand, hiding his lip trembling. “I’m just glad it’s you.”

everyone has a beach body

Kylie and Kinley posed for pictures on the beach, Kelsie behind the camera, rolling her eyes already. Kin promised her she’d take her pictures with Jaci Mae afterwards. Kylie moved to the side, and Morgan came over to take pictures with Kinley. Feeling his hand on her back was electrifying, and she looked up, smiling at him. Maybe they’d finally do it on that trip. Kinley was hoping so. It wasn’t that she was tired of waiting, but she was eager to start. Especially with him. Kinley stood on her tippy toes, kissing Morgan’s cheek. She whispered in his ear, “I want you so bad.” And they both giggled. 

“What you say to him?!” Kelsie shouted from a few feet away. Kinley turned back, walking towards her phone, 

“Don’t worry about it, twerp. Go. Let me take your picture.” Kinley immediately looked through her photos, making sure she didn’t look bigger than Kylie, and while most of the pictures were fine, there were a couple she deleted immediately. Kelsie shouted Kinley’s name, and she fumbled with the phones, snapping a few pictures of Kels and Jaci before handing the phone back and resuming to the pictures of her own. She couldn’t decide which one to post, and she had already imported 3 of them into an app where she was going to make her arm look a little slimmer and her boobs a little bigger. 

“C’mon, Kin!” Someone said. 

“I, um… I’m coming,” she said. “Just give me a minute.’

UCLA had been treating Kylie exactly how you’d imagine it to - wonderfully. She was thriving. She was always a pretty shade of tan. Her skin looked good (except when she was PMSing), and she’d eaten so many renditions of avocado toast on and off campus that she felt like a true hipster. Yet, there was something about Hawaii and its beaches that put California to shame. Hawaii was perfectly warm. The sand just slipped through your toes in the softest, most comforting kind of way, and the Instagram opportunities were limitless. 

On that first day there, Kylie decided on a hot pink bathing suit. She’d brought just about every color and style suit that you could imagine, but her hot pink one paired perfectly in pictures with the lime green one Kinley had decided on. They snapped about a million photos together until it was time for Kinley and Morgan to have a turn, and Kylie plopped herself down on the sand to swipe through all of their twin pictures as she tasked Kelsie as Kinley and Morgan’s photographer. Luckily, Kylie liked a decent amount of the photos, unless she was blinking in them or standing funky, and she knew she’d probably like whatever Kinley decided to post. Kinley was always more selective when it came to their pictures, so Kylie tried to be patient with her. 

I sometimes wish I never left San Fransisco. I liked it better there than here. 

I think you have to leave here to truly appreciate it when you come back. Like, being home from UCLA I’m like...shit, yeah. I do love you all. I love the coffee shop and the diner and all the little things that make here home. But, I get it. It’s not for everyone. 

I think… I mean, I… I want…. Aghhhh….

I think I like Zodi. I mean… I know I do. And that’s so weird because he’s…. because… ‘cause he’s Zodi! And Bo is so cool and, and I really like him, love him maybe. He was my First Everything. But… I don’t know. Zodi is… different. That’s so dumb. That makes me sound so dumb. I should just give it all up. 

Hey, it’s not dumb. I’m always going to have something for Harrison because he was my first everything, and Joey too because he was right there too with some of the firsts and literally my first love. I was a player. Anyways...sometimes different is good. Bo’s great, but Bo’s also hurt you and is a fuck boy. You don’t deserve a fuck boy, and if he really wanted to - he would. Remember that. If Zodi’s flirting and showing interest, and you’re flirting and feeling it back...try it! There’s no harm in just seeing where things go. We’ve all kissed each other around here it’s basically just tradition at this point. Plus, he’s not as weird as you think he is. I mean, his curls don’t look all that bad. I don’t know. I want you to be happy, and crushes are normal.