The cracks in the sidewalk were supposed to “break your moms back when you stepped on it”, so they say. Now I believe it cracked and broke the youthful innocence of our child-like soul every time. At least for me. Growing older, starting to not feel good enough (for your own love, let alone others) amongst a lot of other intrusive thoughts. It's as if no matter what I do, it is never good enough, to be loved, to be proud of, to be treated like a human. Always doing more than I feel is good for my worth.
Everyone leaves. It feels like my fault. I give my everything and more and it's too much or not enough. I feel abandoned and alone even if I am surrounded by love and, people. I stayed up till two, three, whatever time you came rolling home... if you did. I always waited for you, to let you in. I couldn't sleep when you were not home. I just needed my mom. I still do. I get left aside like scraps on a dinner plate, till they can use my bones again for a stew.
Bam, Pow, Boom. Like a train, punching bag, a ticking bomb. I feel used, abused, and less then. I'm replaceable. If I do wrong, punishment may rein. My value, what's that? I'm only good if I do as I'm told, surrender, obey. Am I really to have no say? I thought there was freedom of speech, and rights to MY body, MY life. Oh right, I AM WOMAN, you fear me. I do not want to be told, I will rebel. I fight, I plead. Yet still I bleed. I feel sunken down to the deepest parts of the sea. Heavy, cold, and incomplete.
In your throat, chest, stomach, its heavy, cold, flipping, tingling sensation. I try to gulp the tears back. Heartbreak comes in many forms, yet it never gets any easier to deal with. Patching it, seems dear near impossible. The ebbs and flows, come more than wanted. It's extremely hard to let go, move on, or handle change. Even if it's positive, there is a roller-coaster of emotions that almost hold me back. Comparison, unhealthy expectations, the put downs after put downs, they add up. Can I be my own person? Restrictions on not being allowed to be yourself is a cloud of rain that turns into a hurricane.
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