Disintegrate to ashes

She didn’t mean to push people away. She’s just scared of people leaving her one day, because they always seem to do.

Permanently stuck between “I really want to talk to you” and “I don’t want to annoy you”

Self destruction takes so many forms other than a razor slicing into your skin. It is only eating sweets for days straight. It is being around people who don’t appreciate you. It is kissing people you dont care for. It is sleeping instead of feeling. And it is not sleeping when you feel too much. It is an inbox filled with unread messages. It is having coversations with those who only notice your physical appearance. It is having people in your life that are only there for their own interests. It is staring at a screen for hours straight when reality requests you. It is ignoring those who do care for you, and pushing them away because you don’t deserve their goodness. It is filling free time with activities that keep your energy stagnant, rather than doing things you love. It is engaging in old, retired habits, engaging with people who knew you only at a bad part of your life. It is constantly being around others. It is knowing your limit, and intentionally going past it. It is not showering, or washing your face. It is staying silent when you are consumed by feeling. It is avoiding responsibilities. It is acting on impulses like shopping, crossing, or touching. It is saying yes when you mean no. It is letting others take advantage of you. It is letting them manipulate you because it’s another trap you can “accidentally” fall into. It is so much more than hurting yourself physically. So what I’m trying to say is no, I haven’t exactly been okay