nine

“where did i go wrong?”

“is it still not enough?”

“does my efforts mean nothing?”

i really fucking hate it when sadness just suddenly hits. you don’t know the reason why but you know you’re sad. i hate it. i want to vent to someone but i know they can’t understand and won’t even try to.

sometimes when i try to open up, they are really not listening. they are just there to say they are really there for you but their presence and mind are not.

someone told me i am someone else’s crush and i am adored by these group of friends.

honestly, i don’t know how to react. i am not used to these kind of things. i am just silently living my life here. i didn’t even know that there is/are someone who appreciates me. and i realized i’m grateful and thankful for.

i didn’t know i am that sweet, caring, kind, and a “darling” to them. i am touched. i honestly don’t know what i exactly did. i was just being playful and teasing around them. well, i am not that to everyone. i just like and like being with them.

and also told me, i am their “ferson” (>▽<).

as i felt existing is exhausting but spending the day with my love makes it go away. everything makes it beautiful. i love the feeling of it. it’s as if i drifted away from the reality and this messy world.

it is really true when sleeping with the one you love makes u sleep faster and more relaxed. can’t wait to do that every day and night in the future. and there’s no way it can jinxed it, i’ll def make a way and will not let be part ways from each other.

everything is so exhausting and draining lately. i want to quit my job but i still find myself working overtime there. i am struggling to live rn. not just financially, also, mentally.

now i don’t know who am i striving for. i guess i only live now to survive. am still thankful for giving me another day to live, it’s just i am tired. i don’t know what kind of rest i need.

i’m tired of giving and almost sacrificing myself instead of resting just to make a raise. take it easy, self. don’t overwork. i still have a lot to do and accomplish.

i’m afraid that i don’t like it anymore that they will come back here and live. i am used to when they’re only come home in the weekends.

i guess i don’t like living with them anymore. i like my own company. i get to cry, sing and laugh as loud as i can but not when they’re here. i’m only free when i am all by myself.

and my man can’t come over anymore, if that happens. i want our dates here in our house. i love having him here cuddles and sex all day and night long.