Itās having the same emotions I had then, the same physical reactions. Heart racing, fast, shallow breathing, searching my confused mind for some reason this happened. Your body and mind canāt forget. Itās like a crime scene you can never escape. You try to pull yourself back to the present and your mind wonāt stop racing. āWhy canāt my mind and body forget? Why canāt I move on? Why do I keep going back to that unsafe place?ā You donāt do it on purpose.
You have to keep talking about it, you have to keep writing about it no matter how painful it is.
Your body hurts, your head hurts. Everything feels scary. Relaxing just seems impossible.
PTSD means anger, arguments, confusion, embarrassment, frustration, and a lot of crying.
You quiver, like a lightning bolt went through you, when you hear a door slam, a phone rings, a train passes, someone yelling, a car honk. Then you get upset at yourself or just angry at the noise in general.
PTSD violates you. It destroys you. It causes you to feel helpless, hopeless, vulnerable, fragile, fearful, angry, guilty, irritable, lonely, nervous. It causes you to have breakdowns, outbursts, and panic attacks. It means being aggressive, hostile, hurting yourself, feeling suicidal. It ruins your relationships. It ruins your life. You canāt get close to anyone, you canāt have a normal relationship. You push everyone away.
PTSD means living alone in your head without being able to explain how you feel to anyone. And if you try to explain, they donāt understand. You arenāt able to move on. It means always being afraid, unable to trust. You have sleep terrors, nightmares, and sleepless nights. You have intrusive flashbacks all the time. Anything can trigger them or nothing may trigger them at all.
Itās so awful to live with, and watching it take over another personās life is downright terrifying. Itās stressful on you and everyone else around you. Other people donāt know how to talk to you, itās like walking on eggshells. You feel like such a burden. You donāt want to leave your house, you donāt even want to leave your bed. Youāre terrified of the world around you. So terrified and traumatized youād rather kill yourself than go out and face your fears. You avoid everything - activities, parties, places, even thoughts and feelings. You blame yourself for everything. Every. Little. Thing. You believe itās your fault it happened to you, you feel so guilty, you feel so ashamed. You canāt stand to live with yourself, you canāt stand to be in your own skin. Youāre physically and emotionally numb.
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