DEUS IN ABSENTIA

❛❛    why the sudden curiosity?  are you concerned?     ❜❜     he asks in turn,  the sound teetering into subdued amusement.  his gloves are taken off,  tossed away.  the bowl of water he keeps nearby is comparatively warm to his constantly cold hands;  the soap he uses,  relieving.  rinse,  scrub,  dry your hands.  the towel is tossed aside and the doctor steps closer to the bedside,  one scarred hand offered for him to take while he assists him in sitting up,  slowly lest he rip the stitches. 

the doctor asks him if he's concerned and the puppet bristles, brow furrowing in childlike petulance. he snaps a ❝ no! ❞ that seems to go unnoticed as the doctor moves around him, engulfed by his own sly demeanor. the puppet retreats into himself, just a little, the scowl staying until the hand is offered. he no longer stares at it as he used to, but still hesitates before he takes it. it's always colder than his own, the machinery beneath his synthetic flesh in an endless whir that warms him enough to feel convincingly human, if one isn't paying very close attention. it only served to add to the strangeness. it feels nothing like the rough, calloused hands of the bladesmiths, nor the small, too-warm hand of the child. he quickly drops it as soon as he is seated, refuses to let himself linger there.

posture relaxes as the doctor speaks, softening despite himself, unable to help but feeling something akin to happiness at his own reported worth, that the doctor should find such value in him — that he could become a god. his face hardens in determination as he returns the doctor's gaze. the idea of usurpation excites, and he alone could make that possible, of that the puppet was becoming increasingly sure. he pauses.

let's begin.

this story needs an ending.

lovers come and lovers go.

give these handsome boys a hand.

what a world we live in.

pretty boys are in demand.

it's about time, don't you think?

it's about time to grow up, don't you think?

it's about time to grow up and face the music.

i'll try explaining just what you've missed.

i don't have a lover anymore.

oh my god. when am i gonna get over this?

one day i'd like to be as mature as my son.

it's about growing up, getting older, living on a lover's shoulder.

are you packed and waiting?

since this is the last loving thing we'll probably ever do together, let's act adult and not go crazy.

religion's just a trap that ensnares the weak and the dumb.

hey, stop with the prayers.

i know more than you do!

we're more excited than we should be.

i'll bring women from the wrong side of the tracks.

isn't he an asshole?

we'll have one perfect time! we'll spend billions of dollars!

they're more excited than they should be.

i don't want the girls i should want.

i hate baseball, i really do.

we really wish he'd take this more seriously.

what is he doing here?

what are you doing here?

____ asked me to come. since he asked me to come, i came.

that's what i'm talking about. that's how it's supposed to look.

just remember he's psychotic.

he looks damn good, but he's cheap as dirt.

even maniacs can charm, which he does, so beware.

do you think there's any hope for the kid?

how could i know without him my life would be boring as shit?

please, god, don't let me make the same mistake.

would it be possible to see you or to kiss you or to give you a call?

i've been left behind.

now the world is too pathetic and i don't get it at all.

now that i got the promotion, can i finally stop sleeping with my boss?

i once thought it was sweet, but i don't anymore.

if i don't like ____, it's because my ex sure does.

i don't get it. why can't you let go?

isn't it enough i want you every night?

everything will be alright.

for the first time in months, nobody died!

do you know how great my life is?

where's the heat? where's the fire?

do you know? all i want is you.

god, you're a pain in the ass.

everybody's yelling and everybody's ruining it.

everyone hates his parents. don't be ashamed.

you'll grow up. you'll come through.

you grow up, you get old, you hate less.

nothing that gives them pleasure i'll do.

you are gonna kill your mother.

don't feel guilty, kill your mother.

rather than humiliate her, killing your mother is the merciful thing to do.

i'm right here and at your service.

go ahead and kill your mother.

everyone hates his parents. now i see why!

push turns to shove, what was hate becomes more or less love.

i'll stay calm, untie my tongue, and try to stay both kind and young.

we laugh, we fumble, we take it day by day. what more can i say?

i make a big stink when i must, but goddamn, i'm a professional.

if i'm a bitch, well, i am what i am!

i don't like to talk when i'm losing the game.

we see a trend, but the trend has no name.

something bad is happening. something very bad is happening.

something bad is spreading 'round.

tell me how it tastes. tell me if it's good.

tell me, dear, if you'd like seconds.

go ahead and wound my pride.

you're feeling very sick inside.

so, you've had a bad day. i don't know what to say.

look what's become of my doctor.

i'm heartsick. you're unhappy.

you always see the glass half full... i'm nervous.

this is fucking ridiculous!

please forgive me for winning one game.

something's gone out of whack.

be a jerk, my sweet bruiser.

try to be a decent loser! at least you could give me that.

anything you do is alright.

i'm trying to keep sane as the rules keep changing.

life is never what you planned.

life is moments you can't understand.

i hold to the ground as the ground keeps shifting.

you're looking very good today.

today you seem to be on the way to recovery.

it's days like this i almost believe in god.

go ahead, be good and pissed.

gee, you look awful.

i think you need to play some chess.

i have to know and i have to know now just what it is you want.

here's your chance to give me hell.

we can't be sure when he'll get better... when, or if, he'll ever get better.

what we'll do is your decision.

there's no right and there's no wrong. just say yes or no and we promise to go along.

why don't you make this dumb decision yourselves?

now what do we do?

why don't we tell him that we don't have the answers?

life can be grim.

things happen for no damned good reason.

his lack of control kills what's best in his soul.

this is the start to his becoming a man.

who'd believe that we two would end up as lovers?

please don't get morbid.

it's just that i haven't died yet. i'm sick, but kicking.

i'm staying here in this spot whether you want me to or not. i'm staying.

here i am, by your side, one old horny lover.

please, go home and don't be scared.

i'm not scared. what good is a lover who's scared?

hit me if you need to.

slap my face or hold me 'til winter.

i can't help but feeling i've failed.

let's be scared together. let's pretend that nothing is awful.

there's nothing to fear. just stay right here.

we don't know what time will bring.

i love bad weather.

i don't think we've ever really spoken.

if you'd kindly allow, how about a miracle now?

can you make things not happen?

could you please make my friend stop dying?

i am not naive. it won't be easy.

tell me why was i chosen, why me of all men?

at least death means i'll never be scared about dying again.

let's get on with living while we can and not play dumb.

you gotta die sometime.

death is not a friend, but i hope in the end he takes me in his arms and lets me hold his face.

people always hate a loser and they hate lame ducks.

can i keep my cool despite the urge to fall apart?

how should i start?

i would cry if i could, but it does no damn good.

the many stupid things i thought about with dread now delight.

give me the balls to orchestrate a graceful leave.

it's the last little mountain i'll climb.

everything will soon be great.

i feel more helpless than i have in years.

how did you turn out so great?

do you know how proud i am?

what would i do if i had not met you? who would i blame my life on?

once i was told that all men get what they deserve. who the hell then threw this curve?

there are no answers, but who would i be if you had not been my friend?

when i'm having fun, you're the one i wanna talk to.

where have you been? where are you now?

who would i be if i had not loved you? how would i know what love is?

god only knows, too soon i'll remember your faults.

i'd do it again. i'd like to believe that i'd do it again.

how am i to face tomorrow after being screwed out of today?

i'd beg or steal or borrow if i could hold you for one hour more.

[ 8 ] our muses reunite after having been apart for an extended length of time which leads to sex, clothes everywhere, barely making it to the bed or not at all.

PROMPT | WANDERER,

he has never been able to bring himself to resent her for her journey. he knows it too well, even deeper now than he had before, with an additional five hundred years of searching as a wanderer looking for purpose, a shugenja looking for enlightenment. he knows determination, knows what it is like to walk the world over, looking for that thing that will make you whole, that will grant you answers. he could never ask her to stay, not really, despite how he aches for it. this fact, of course, did not take away from the relief when she returned to him, when she retread that road back to sumeru despite already possessing all the answers that land could give her.

distance does not make the heart grow fonder — he would want her just as much no matter where she stayed, but perhaps it grew hungrier, a little more ravenous after being left starved for so long.

she'd written of her intentions before she had come and, as such, his focus had waned significantly the past few days as he anticipated her arrival. devi kusanali did not need to ask, only regarding him with that knowing smile that made him scowl, but sethos had been less aware and therefore much, much more irritating. he'd come to know fūjin's habits a little too well, had found him easily where he lingered at the akademiya's edges, his view of the port clear. sethos's probing falls on entirely deaf ears as a flash of gold at the edge of the port has him taking off.

it's not as if he whisks her off immediately. he's smarter than that, knows her little companion too well. he trails close behind, flitting around trees and buildings until he sees them approach someone. nilou, it seems. he doesn't bother stopping to ask if she's down for impromptu babysitting, swinging down fast and grabbing ying tight around the waist before taking off again.

" h - hey! wait! " paimon's voice wails after them, but nilou is quick to connect the dots and intervene. he distantly hears her " oh, it's just hat guy, paimon. i'm sure he missed her, " as he heads for the top of the sanctuary. he furrows his brow a little, that ever - constant discomfort creeping in. being seen wanting was humiliating, but never enough to stop, especially not when it came to ying. it wasn't as if nilou was wrong. he had missed her.

he sets her down atop the sanctuary of surasthana, deep within the treetops and far from the city's view, the one place only he could reach. he presses her hard to moss-covered stone, mouth slotted eagerly and clumsily against hers as his hand goes for her hip, pulling her closer, close as he can get her. he kisses her until a hand on his chest reminds him to pull away, to let her breathe for a second. he always forgets about that. her voice is rough, as intoxicating as ever. easy. i missed you, too.

a small, pathetic noise of want and frustration manages to sneak its way out of him as lips move to her neck, too impatient to let her catch her breath without his touch. he is not one to rush. intimacy was hard for him. he liked to take his time, to tuck away in the privacy of her realm and savor, but he cannot think of that now, can't think of anything other than the overwhelming feeling of having her beneath his hands again. he wants to feel her now.

the feeling of ying's hand at his jaw is all it takes to urge him back up, back into that crushing, hungry kiss. one hand keeps her pinned against the stone as the other palms at her over her trousers, taking the way she chases after the touch when he pauses as his permission to slide the hand up and back down beneath the fabric. it doesn't take too much probing to feel how wet she is. he pulls away from her lips, takes in the state of her, chest heaving under lack of oxygen and skin already flushed.

" missed me that much, huh? anticipated this, did y— " he's cut off by her open mouth, a solid arm wrapping around his neck and pulling him back down to her. a good enough answer.

the movement of his hand is not at all precise, a harsh palm dragging hard against her. there's no pretense to be had that this is anything more than desperation, an insatiability to be kept at bay, if just for the moment. they'll have their moment to indulge later. he feels unbelievably animal and alive in his desire, in his impatience, all logic and thought thrown away once more in his need for her. she brought that out of him so easily.