𝖕ıʞ 𝖕ɹıǝʍ ǝɯ𝖔𝕾

Letters in write but never send.

Messages I type but never end as notifications.

The ones that do, but are gone before you see them.

The ones I get rid of before you wake up.

Before you can see them.

Before you can understand them.

Before my raw emotions can feel too much.

Before whatever this feeling is swallows you whole.

All these words, all these feelings, for someone I keep in the dark.

Because sometimes the light is too bright.

And even I don't want to truly understand.

Even if it belongs to me.

If you ever find out, I can only hope you'll forgive me.

But what if for some,

I am Rome?

To be the one they dread to see but feel will always come back to.

What if for some,

The overwhelming urge to run away.

I wake up, everyday, feeling like shit.

I go through my day, feeling like shit.

I don't know why.

Maybe it's the suffocating feeling of home.

I want out.

I need out.

I need to run.

To go away.

Become a bad dream in everyone else's head.

My anger is festering.

Im chained and shackled.

I won't be for long.

But maybe that's just what I tell myself.

I want you to do better.

Without me.

Without my love.

My stare.

Or my claws.

You needed me but that would only hurt you.

You wanted me to need you but I know my love is painful.

The only thing I need is for you to learn to live without me.

I can't be your light.

Not if I'm your only light.

You need to learn to light yourself.

I see you think about me

I see how broken you are now

I see the shattered pieces of glass that were once your heart

And this overwhelming feeling washes over me

Joy?

Sadness?

Euphoria?

I don't really care

I smile anyways

But I hate it

I hate that I love it so much

You're falling apart and I did it

I swung the hammer into the delicate heart you tried so hard to protect

I want to feel bad for you

To share your sorrow

But I can't

Because I'm too busy smiling.

Maybe one day we'll get married.

Maybe one day we'll get our house at the top of the hill.

But that day is not today, and that day is not tomorrow, or the day after that. I need to grow, I need to change. I am still the person you fell in love with, but I can not stay as that person, I hate them, I loathe them.

They'd have killed me.

The phrase is "opposites attract " but they're just like me.

They've moved on, but I have not.

The way they worry.

Overthinks.

Drives themselves insane.

Is just how it was like for me.

Except I was them, and they were her.

They understand how I feel now, but they don't know that.

They understand my pain but doesn't recognize it.

Not kept from me, given.

I keep secrets.

Being intrusted with a secret is a promise to keep it.

I dont break promises.

They tell me things.

Things they don't tell other people.

I like that.

The more I know, the more I discover, the more I can figure them out.

Finding all the pieces to put them together.

The harder it is, the longer the thrill lingers.

To be the only one to know who they truly are.

Its a trophy.

A reward.

Its a game to me.

But, is that insensitive?

Is that wrong?

I still help them.

They feel better knowing I truly understand them.

But I dont do it to make them feel better.

That's their reward for playing my game.

And when the trill is over, they drift away.

My love's gone.

One difference, completely different meanings.

My love is gone.

My love for them is gone.

Or

My love is gone.

A pet name for a lover.

So, did you leave, or did I?

They are not there.

And if they are, how are you to prove it.

To believe someone exists beyond your view is to have faith they are real.

But what do you do if you have no faith?

What if you lose your belief?

What if you really are the only person that is real?

It's not a feeling.

Its the lack there of.

Where are they?

Where are the emotions labeled to humans?

And why can't I find them?

Where are my humain emotions?

I've faked it so long, though I feel nothing.

I cry of sadness or of joy, and yet there is nothing behind those tears.

I've caged my true emotions, that of rage, of malevolance.

As to not bite those who dont deserve it, to keep it caged is to keep them safe.

But what if one day I decide they do deserve to bleed.

What then?

Could I decide?

I had been hurt so bad by someone so close that I had thought it to be too dangerous to let someone get too close.

So why now-

Why is it now that I can finally love someone other than myself.

More than myself even.

Why is it they can't love me back?

Finally able to be the lover but shackled to be "just the friend ".

I will endure anyways.

Because what is true love if not staying even when it hurts.

Even when it tears you to shreds.