My Little Tribe

i feel like no one else can do it better the way you do

Hi, you're probably reading this because you've read the first one about my labor. Here you'll learn how my birth experience went as raw as I can describe it because I won't sugar-coat anything. I've been lied to about this! Imma make sure that the lies ends here. lol!

Around 9pm, we safely arrived at the hospital. I want to stress out on the "safely" part of this arrival because RJ is just laser-focused on the "faster" part and the rest of the ride was just a bunch of honking. I don't know how many times I've squeezed his arms every time a contraction hits, maybe that's the reason why.

We were settled at the E.R., I was comforted by the sight of my doctor. She said that she just delivered a baby that's why she's there. She sent me to one of her resident doctors to be IEd so she could assess what CM the opening of my cervix is at. Now, I am at 4cm.

I'm like, wtf! Really?! After all that wrenching pain, we're still at 4cm?!

She said she'll be back for me in the morning or even before that, anyway she already told her resident doctors to monitor me and my baby.

At the E.R., they attached a contraction and fetal heart monitor on my belly and kid you not, that's when my contraction really up its intensity to x5 and the intervals are just now down to 1-2mins apart! I was just so lucky that RJ was still allowed to stay with me at the E.R. Without him there, I wouldn't know where to get some courage to stay awake through the pain. We were settled at the ER first since my RT-PCR result is still not in, once I get the negative RT-PCR result back, that's when they'll put me on the L&D floor along with the other laboring moms. I let RJ get some power nap because I know it would still take time. This time, I can no longer bear the pain but gladly, my mother and sisters are there with me virtually, monitoring and cheering my soul up. Thank God for the gift of family! It truly helped me divert my attention from the pain. I can still even joke around while messaging them.

I just really wished it's the same environment they allow in the L&D floor.

Around 11pm, RJ told me that my negative RT-PCR results are in. This is where he'd leave me. He'll stay in our room while I will be taken on the L&D floor waiting for my cervix to open, wider enough to deliver a baby. I was not allowed to bring anything even my mobile phone. It was just me and my IV line, in a hospital gown with my huge belly. The orderly who assisted me going up even said, "Oo ma'am, ikaw lang didto. Bawal cellphone. Sunod kita ninyo ni Sir naa na si baby." RJ and I looked at each other and said our goodbyes, see you later.

Little did I know this is where my agony starts.

Before entering the L&D room, they had me remove my footwear and wear the sanitized ones they have. I can already tell how weak the lights are from the entrance. For some reason, that added to my tension. It gives off very despairing vibe which is the very last thing a laboring mother needs. The nurse who met me upon arrival asks me to climb up to the table because a doctor will attend to me in a while for IE. Shet, kaingon gyud ko'g IE na sad?! I hate it when it's the male resident doctor who'd do it on me because he's not therapeutic - at all! Well, guess what, it's him the nurse pulled. It was only postpartum when I realized, I can decline him! We're in a private hospital, I can despise him and ask for another doctor to do it for me. Sorry self, my laboring brain wasn't braining anymore.

Almost midnight, I'm still at 4cm.

As I counted, I am the seventh mom brought in the L&D. At this point, I succumb to the pain. The L&D room of the hospital is not at all mending! The room's lights are dim, it's freezing cold, and the other portion of the room, which beds aren't occupied, had the lights turned off. Imagine how dark it is. I cannot even clearly see the faces of the other moms I am in labor with! If I can rate the pain I am feeling at this moment, it's already 50/10. I felt so off and terrified the moment I was settled on one of the beds there. I can feel every movement of my baby and the contraction is coming in stronger every time. I'm sobbing in agony. I felt so alone. You know, when you're in pain, feeling you're the only one in that room with no one to turn to is adding to the weakness and vulnerability I'm feeling. I've verbalized for so many times that I can no longer bear the pain and it's mostly my back that hurts, not the lower part of my belly - which they always say, "sakit sa may pus-on, Ma'am? Ana gyud na, Ma'am." Like, no, it's my lower back that's in pain, pinching needles kind of pain. But nada! The male doctor from his station even said, "Kinsa manang sige'g hilak diha?" Referring to me, duh! At this point, I'm ready to go out of the L&D room and look for RJ. After that male doctor sarcastically asked, one of the nurses went up to me and ask, again, if my pus-on hurts. Again, I said, I can't feel any pressure on my lower belly every time a contraction hits. I'd feel it in my entire belly. With our without contraction, my lower back hurts and that's the pain I cannot tolerate at this point. She arranged the FH and contraction monitor in a way that it won't squeeze my lower back and returned to the male resident doctor. After a few minutes, that same nurse went up to me and asked me if I'd rather get painless medicine. At the back of my mind, I recalled what my mom and sister said not to get it because it would somehow lose my urge to push. I was confused at this point. I'd want to push naturally but if this pain would continue for the next 3 hours, given that I am still at 4cm, I won't make it. I really won't. So, I asked the nurse, sorry this question I'm about to ask is kinda dumb knowing I'm aware of how this goes because of my medical background but whatever lol, I asked it anyway. I said to the nurse, "If magpa-painless ako, mag take effect yan agad? Or later pa? Kay di nagyud nako makaya ang sakit." She only answered me this, exactly this, "Ay sige lang Ma'am, i-explain mana ni Doc." she then turned her back on me and left. Like, huh?! That didn't answer my question?! Hellooo? Whatever, so, I am still in x100 pain. While waiting for the doctor to "explain" things to me. I have called all the saints there is possible, prayed to God to stop this misery, and I have confessed all my sins over and over again! I have already asked forgiveness to my child I am about to deliver if she lives after this delivery and I won't, she should know that I love her. Yes, I had this entire monologue in the L&D room because of the pain. I don't really know anymore what to do. Again, I am very terrible at handling physical pain. I have zero pain tolerance.

After sometime, one nurse and one orderly went up to me, arranged my monitors and IV in bed, and rolled me going outside the L&D room! Like, hello? Are you even gonna tell me where we're heading?! But I didn't bother to ask, I don't care anymore where they're taking me. I have zero energy at this point. Next thing I know, they're asking me to climb up the delivery table. So we're in the DR now. There I saw my anesthesiologist, as how she introduced herself to me and that she will be the one administering my epidural. Oh, so I'm getting the painless now? Where's the explaining part?! She's a female doctor, by the way. So I asked her the question I asked the nurse a while ago. She answered me in a very comforting way an in-pain and laboring mother can register into her mind. She asked me quite a few times if I am sure. And sorry Mama, but I am getting the epidural.

I am getting an epidural for the first time in my life! I knew how it's administered but this is the first time that it will be done on me. My anesth doctor is still preparing the things she'll need for the procedure, while prepping, she keeps pep talking me. She asked if it's my first pregnancy, how was the labor so far, the contractions, and keeps reassuring me that I can do it and that she's seeing a brave woman in me by simply enduring the pain for hours. Literally, an angel in the sick room. At last! Someone who's nice to me through this labor pains! At this point, my contractions are so awful that every time it stops, I take the interval rest so seriously that I fall asleep that quickly, and then wake up again once the next contraction hits! That's how painful my contractions are. My anesth never left my side so she noticed that I fall asleep in between contractions. She's the one who told me that I should always be awake and alert. She gently holds my head and say, "Tel, ayaw katulog, tel. Close lang ug eyes kung kapuy pero ayaw ug katulog ha? Dili dapat ka matulog." And I always answer her, "Doc, sakit kaayo. Lami i-tulog if mawala ang sakit." She bats an eye to the nurses around us and two of them started talking to me keeping me awake. Few minutes from there, I saw a female resident doctor, she came up to me and ask for a permission to do IE before they administer the epidural. Still, 4cm. This is already around 1-2am.

Before they put me on epidural, the nurses attempted to ease my pain, they turned me sideways with a pillow in between my legs. This is not only to lessen my contraction pains, it will also encourage my cervix to dilate faster. They said, they'll continue this 'til 3am and see if my cervix dilates. My pain is not lessen, even a bit! The nurses started to notice that I am already crying. At least I am awake, duh. Every time they hear me sob in pain, either one of them would come up to me and repeatedly tell me this, "Ma'am, ayaw ug hilak, Ma'am kay di mana mkatabang. Mawad-an ra ka'g kusog unya mag push sige ka'g hilak. Oh, uban mama gani hilom lang." Like, wtf!? Hawa mo diri sa akong atubangan! And by the looks of them, they're way younger than I am and their body, from my perspective, it looked like it never had another human being inside it, so uh uh, don't talk to me as if you know my pain. I started bawling my eye out and this time I am intentionally making it louder to release the pain. Idc anymore! My anesth started talking to me again, "Ano man, Tel? Mag epidural na ta?" and I immediately, no hesitation, said yes. Quickly, she had a male orderly help me curl up.

Idk if someone already put this out there, but man! Getting epidural in between contractions is freakin' hell! Imagine, you're in a cold delivery room with only your delivery gown covering you from freezing, on a delivery table with every eyes on you, a male orderly asks you to curl up like a shrimp and he will hold that position for you until your anesthesiologist puts the epidural line in place!? Like, did anyone discuss how was that?! Because for me, it's out of this world insane! The male orderly even have to shout at me to make me stay still. My doctor's hands, even with gloves, is so cold! Every time she holds my lower back, I can feel tingles and it makes me jerk. The male orderly, I can vividly remember told me, "Ma'am, ma'am!! Ayaw'g lihok ma'am kay isulod na ni doc saimong likod, please ma'am please lang ma'am para di naka masakitan." HAHAHA thinking about it now, that was freaking insane and I did that! Holy molly!! After several attempts, I got used to my doctor's cold hands and she successfully put the epidural line in place.

A few minutes after that, I can feel my waist down starts numbing. I told my anesth and she confirmed that it is in fact taking effect right away, I should start feeling numb from the waist down. I can still feel a bit of pain but that should only be the pressure that comes from the contractions. She's still there, pep talking me. It really helped! We've talked a lot of things, but sorry, my laboring brain cannot recall a thing about it lol. I feel at ease with her and from my 100/10 pain scale, it's down to 4/10. Sick, right?! Why did they make me suffer like that for so many hours when I can just have this?! lol. The nurses continued putting me sideways. They turn me to the other side, idk, every 30mins? At around 4am, my doctor arrived. Finally, a familiar face! She IEd me right away, and I am already at 6cm. Thank goodness! An improvement, not a lot but at least there's something happening. I guess turning me from side to side helped. After a while, I started to feel like I'm losing the numb. I can feel all the pain and started crying again. I told my anesth that I'm feeling the pain again, she said, "Tel, everything is okay naman. Anjan parin yung epidural line. Check natin ha?" So she did, and figured that the line inserted to me is dislodged halfway. That's why the pain is back! At this point, I didn't mind much of this pain because I am already feeling alleviated just by the thought of my Ob-Gyne being here. Here's when they ask me to start pushing every time I can feel a contraction. So it started, the orchestrated pushing. 2 nurses by my left side, 1 anesth on the right and 2 OBs by my foot, they ordered me to push for 10 secs. and we're gonna do the same pushing, 3x. And OMG! That didn't even helped her move a centimeter. My Ob-Gyne started talking to RJ outside for a plan B or for worse case scenario. She's letting him know that if ever there's no improvement in the next 2 hours, we'll have to prepare for an emergency C-section considering the fhr. At this point, I'm already getting nervous, scared and in so much pain - all at the same time. I don't want to get a C-section because 1. I wanted to deliver it normally as NSD babies are proven scientifically to be more healthy growing up than c-section babies, 2. I am not mentally prepared for having a c-section, lastly, it's expensive. In between my trial pushes, my OB talks to me, gives me an update what's happening outside. I learned from her that she was able to talk to my mom over videocall. She said that my mom is worried but reassured me that they're with me, whatever my decision will be. My OB is still encouraging me to push and that I can do this via NSD. I do not have an actual problem with that since that's what I also prefer, however, I am afraid this might go south due to my cervix opening not getting an improvement at all. And also, the pain! It's really making me impatient. I just want to get over everything and rest.

2 hours, that's my deadline. If we go beyond that, we're gonna prepare for C-section. I have been crying intently at this point because of the pain. I can almost feel everything. It also added some pressure on me when I noticed I was actually facing a huge glass window and that it's almost sunrise! In my cloudy head, I said to myself, I've been here before midnight yet it's morning now and I am still stuck here, very pregnant! I'm already very tired and in pain - the pain is just so awful that I can only open my eyes halfway. I glanced at the clock, it's past 6am when they started to move rather quickly, I glanced on my right to check my baby's heart rate monitor and it's already noticeably low. I said to myself, oh, that's why they're moving now. I looked at my Anesth and she's already communicating to my OB. My OB started ordering the nurses to prepare "faster." This time, they're finally telling me my baby's heart rate is low so we need to get the baby out, ASAP. My Anesth and OB are still talking since I'm crying that I am in so much pain, I can't concentrate pushing with this kind of ache. They agreed to put me on another dose of anesthesia before pushing. I gave my consent. I glanced at what's happening around and it took me a while to contain that this is really happening, at any moment now, I'm gonna see my baby. I can still see everyone's game-face on beneath the masks they're wearing. I started to calm down knowing that they got me. My OB started commanding everyone to focus and acquainted me on pushing. "1,2,3 push and then mag count kami Tel ng 10 seconds, push for 10 secs. Repeat natin 'yan 'til lumabas si baby. Okay?" My anesth is holding my head and shoulders - an actual safe support for me while pushing.

It's my 13 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Even before my Ob-Gyne gave me a hint of what my labor pains would look like, I have already anticipated million of messy things to happen. I just didn’t expect it to occur in a mall — parking lot.

24th of June ’23, I was scheduled for my last Ob-Gyne visit before giving birth.My actual due date is July 18, by the way. I’m already set on the fact that we are only going in for our final check-up. At least that’s what I thought.

After his shift, RJ picked me up and went with me to my appointment. My doctor saw me as the second-to-last patient. As per usual – we talked about how was I doing the past week, my food intake – which she’s really particular, since my baby’s size is already 3 weeks bigger than her actual gestational age, and my pre-natal meds. The only difference now is that, she has to do internal examination on me. She then asked me to climb up to her examination table and what happened next numbed my ears upon hearing,

"Mommy, you're 3cms na ha, going 4. Ready na kayo ni Daddy, after dito diretso na kayo kuha ng RT-PCR test."

Like, ha doc? July 18 pa ‘di ba tayo? I mean… RJ and I just looked at each other, racing whose face turns pale first. Well, I calmed down. I tried my hardest to calm down because I remembered that RJ hasn’t slept yet, he’s the one driving so he has to be calm and collected. Concluding the appointment, my doctor already gave me the paper works needed for the hospital admission and her personal contact number so I can reach her when my labor pains starts. Wow!

We walked out from the clinic not talking to each other and I don’t like that, so I broke the silence and said, “I’m hungry, I wanna eat.” We then proceeded to our go-to-resto after appointments, ordered the usual and talked about where we’re going to start.

I mean, I packed our bags - RJ and I's hospital clothes and toiletries as well as the baby's bag. But we don't have most of the disposable essentials yet, like my maternity pads, baby's diapers, our hospital packed foods, nada! We're freaking unprepared, ugh!

So anyway, RJ consoled our terrible selves by a plan heading our way to the RT-PCR center first since we can get the necessary disposables on the way.

By the way, this was around 4-5pm. Took us 3 centers to finally get tested since the other 2 were already closed. We were looking to get tested on the nearest center from our house so that before my labor begin, RJ can at least rest for a couple of hours. Nope, the universe had other plans. I had my test from their farthest branch. All these time, I was chatting with my mom and sisters, I was chillin’ then. They encourage me to stay calm because it will still take a while before the labor pain starts kicking in.

When we arrived at the testing center, I am the only one requesting for RT-PCR. The nice lady there told me that the results usually takes 12 hrs. but since they’re not busy, she said they’re gonna run the test now and the results should be e-mailed to me on or before midnight. The long drive was worth it because of that nice lady. On our way home, I started to feel uncomfortable around my lower belly. I think I’m having contractions.

Take note: this was already around 6-7pm, that's the rush hour of Metro Davao, it only means one thing — heavy traffic.

Still calm, I messaged my mom. I described the pain and also told her about the intervals, she confirmed that yes, I am already having contractions! This is the part where it started to go south for me. My pain threshold is like my patience, it’s like nothing in there! I drink pain reliever meds whenever I have dysmenorrhea, I am not strong.

While still stuck on traffic, I kept monitoring my contractions – its intensity and interval. I don’t know if it’s normal but the pacing of it is shifting too fast! Though I am already in pain, in the most composed manner I could, I told RJ to pick up the disposable essentials already because we might be having a baby tonight. He responded while sounding calm but his speed is otherwise. He already kept honking other cars and even went on a red light. Sheesh!

We finally arrived at the mall near our village. I decided to stay in the car while RJ took the supermarket entrance to go get our essentials. This time, my contractions are really bad, I am already crying. It is still 3-4mins. apart but holy molly! The pain! I don’t know where it’s coming from! Everything just aches! My back, my tummy, my lower tummy, my head’s throbbing — everything.

If only I can exaggerate this but it's already worse. To add to the drama, it started raining.

At this point, I already messaged up everyone. I have flooded RJ messages to hurry up. I already messaged my doctor as well that we are definitely having a baby tonight and that I already took my RT-PCR. I have told our family group chat that I can barely take the pain, I’m already crying at the mall’s parking lot. Messaging everyone is just my way of not totally soaking into the madness of the pain and my failed attempt to divert my attention until…

There’s this one contraction that’s so painful and the pressure is pushing through my lower back and belly that gave me a very strong urge to pee. It is the kind of urge I cannot control due to the pressure that I am feeling. Ugly crying and in so much pain, I pushed myself to get out of the car, lo and behold — my bag of water broke!

This kind of released some pressure but it only means, the pain will no longer be tolerable now that my mucus plug is no longer holding it together. Crying and shaking in pain, I stood outside and collected myself again. I can’t be like this while waiting for RJ. I, again, tried to be strong. Took a few deep breathes and went inside.

I updated our family group chat that my bag of water popped. Also messaged our house help to ready our bags and wait for us at the gate to easily load everything in the car. After a few minutes of settling myself back in the car, RJ arrived. Told him the news and now he can’t stop asking me if I’m already in so much pain. Like, huh?! Obviously! But of course, I didn’t tell him that. I just told him to get our things at the house and bring us to the hospital faster.

The rest of my giving birth story will follow on a separate post because I hate it when it’s too long like this. My eyes can never stand scrolling back and forth to proof-read everything. lol!

Marriage is such a big word. It sometimes intimidates some relationships, ours is no difference. Quite frankly, in RJ and I’s relationship, it has been tossed around for years. For some reasons, we were vocal about our dream wedding yet I still don’t have my ring! No pressure though, lol.

2023 came gushing and with a baby on the way, I couldn’t care less of what’s about to happen. As much as I wanted to be wed in a church setting, time constraint makes it impossible given that I am very pregnant.

Also, the pregnancy made me feel very anxious with how I look. Looking back with the pregnancy I had, it really swallows all the self-confidence I have left. I feel miserable during those times. My morning sickness is very bad the whole pregnancy. Hence, opted out for pre-nuptial outdoor shoot.

I very much so wanted us to be married and most especially, I do not want to change nor delay our plans just because of how I’m feeling. RJ, being the very considerate one, suggested to me, how about getting married in our local courthouse? Anyway, we can still get our dream church wedding after giving birth. Well, I thought about it and I guess it would be the best option at that time. It doesn’t only make me comfortable since it will only last 30-60mins., it also makes our wedding possible – the booked authorities can still deliver their services and we don’t have to postpone and tell our guest different date. We’re getting married then!

I must commend RJ for getting hundred percent of the job done with our wedding preparation. I am immobile during this pregnancy. The only time I go out is when I have my doctor’s appointment, other than that, I am sick and vomiting out everything I eat all day, everyday! He prepared literally everything. All I had to do is tell him, I want this, I want that and he made everything possible. He’s even the only one who worked with processing our marriage license. Oh my gosh, thinking about it now, it must’ve been a hassle since not everyone from the gov’t offices are that quick and easy to converse with. Oh, wow. Thank you, husband.

23rd of May 2023 is the day! We got the afternoon schedule with the judge. Perfect, because I have booked our hair and make-up as well as the indoor pre-nup shoot in the morning.

Everything went well, not according to our plan, but according to His plans. We may have the order of our life events scattered but He’s still in control and His favors are a blessing to us. We promised to get married in Your altar, Lord, soon with your guidance and abundance.

My hands are shaking the moment I flipped the pregnancy test kit and I saw two solid lines in it.

As a PCOS girly, taking pregnancy tests aren’t new to me – positive ones, specifically. I have been diagnosed with PCOS since 2019 and every time I had hormonal imbalance and visit my OB, she’d let me take pregnancy tests. And yes, most of the time it appears to be false positive.

But this time, that one day I had a gut feeling I am really pregnant, I always get cold feet taking pregnancy test hence, intentionally forgetting to take it on the said day I should. You might ask, “Gut feeling? Why would you rely on your feelings?” BECAUSE, I AM NERVOUS! And also, aside from being nervous, my hormones are all over the place. I started to hate the smell of sauteed garlic, I always salivate (like a crazy dog from the streets!), and I had very bad breakouts. C’mon, I’ve had false positives before because of PCOS but these aren’t showing. And seriously, salivating?! It is really inconvenient. I proceeded to tell RJ about what’s happening to me and that I think I’m pregnant. He just smiled and said, “I know.” He later explained that his mind and heart already knew that I am pregnant and he just doesn’t want to pop my bubble and wanted me to figure it out myself.

So, okay... he's cool with it. He's not running away, so we're good.

We looked for another Ob-Gyne near us and found our angel doctor who took a little snip on what’s going on from the inside.

Our little fetus is there!

We then broke the news to our families and they’re thrilled! Also, my sisters kinda already knew because I am casually vomiting every morning. Lol!

RJ’s side of the family also gave our little fetus the warmest welcome. My shift of emotions are through the roof the entire pregnancy, so, yeah, just imagine my tears.

Planned or unplanned, as what my mama said, babies are a blessing and you’re blessed to be chosen to carry them. Savor every moment and enjoy the pregnancy journey.

and you’ve swept all my doubts and fears in the most unforgettable way possible. finally have someone to get crazy with my entire life.