The rest is still unwritten♡

Lately, I've been stressing on people who keep on stressing me to eat more. I know it's their genuine concern for me but sometimes it gets frustrating for me. I've been battling cancer for 3 years already and I know how important it is for me to eat a lot. You do not know how much I try so hard just to eat a 1/4 cup of rice. Mas na ddepress ako when people notice how thin I am and they keep on saying "kumain ka ng madami" It's easier said than done. I'm not angry. I just hope some people would understand how I feel. I put so much effort on eating pero hindi naman napapansin. So please be patient with me.

Forgive me for this long post as I have nothing else to do in the hospital but to wait until my stem cells can be harvested. I am on Day 15 at the hospital and hopefully soon, my stem cells can be harvested already then after a month, the stem cell transplant will happen. I have so many thoughts going on in my head that sometimes I could not sleep.

Will I beat cancer again?

Can my body handle all the toxic chemicals being infused for me to get better?

Will I ever not worry about cancer coming back?

Can my family ever recover from this sickness?

Why is it so hard to beat cancer?

When will I get out of this hospital?

When will I go back to work?

When does the suffering end?

Diagnosis

Being diagnosed the first time was the worst day of my life. And being diagnosed the second time around is the hardest and also the worst day of my life. Just after putting all my efforts in rebuilding my life, cancer struck me out of nowhere. I knew I had to be vigilant that’s why I never let a simple pain be forgotten. That’s how life is after cancer. I feel like I am walking on eggshells – I have to be careful not to trigger anything. What triggers cancer anyway? We wouldn’t know. I still don’t know. Since I got better, I have been living a somewhat “stress-free” life. My family and friends are very kind to not let me stress over simple things. I admit, I still eat what I want but I do it in moderation.

The second time I was diagnosed, my first thought was, “What about my work?” Back in 2016, I had to take a 6-month leave to finish my chemotherapy. Some people can still work while having chemo. Me, I can’t even walk on my own that time. I am so fortunate that the company I am staying with is very considerate with regards to my case. The support of my colleagues all over the world were tremendous! When I came back to work on January 2017, I still had to do radiations so what I did was to wake up at 5:00AM then proceed to the hospital so that I can start radiation by 7:00AM, finished by 8:15AM, get to work by 9:30AM just in time for my 10:00AM shift. That was a routine for 19 days straight. I was so relieved that finally, I am done with the treatments!!!! Now, my company is again very gracious to allow me to take a leave again for me to get better. I was devastated to take a leave because I was starting to work on a project, but I had to let it go as health is my priority. Back in my mind, I am feeling guilty for leaving my colleagues for an indefinite time and passing on my work to them. But deep down, I am so thankful for their understanding. I am relieved when they say “Don’t worry, just focus on your health and we’ll see you soon” all the time. You see, it is important for a cancer patient to still look forward for work. This motivates me to heal faster and get back on my feet the soonest.

Having Cancer in the Philippines

Coming from a middle-class family, earning my own money is a big deal. Just a few weeks after graduation, I started working and earning my own money to fund everything I want and need. I was financially independent. I’m not earning a huge amount, but it was enough to live a comfortable life.

My first diagnosis, we were told to prepare PhP750,00.00 for chemotherapy alone (not including other complications of chemo – which I had) I was unfortunately diagnosed with the expensive type of Lymphoma. I don’t even have enough savings to fund 1 cycle of chemotherapy.

My second diagnosis, a stem cell transplant is the recommended second line treatment for relapse in Lymphoma which costs around PhP 2.5 Million. Basically, I will be having an autologous stem cell transplant in which my own stem cells will be harvested, a high dose chemo will be given to kill the cancer cells, then my stem cells will return to me. Seems easy, right? But no, I had to undergo a total of 4 high dose chemo because the transplant can only be successful if I am in Partial or Complete Remission.

We were given two choices -  to go with stem cell transplant or just go with 6 cycles of chemo. In comparison, stem cell transplant has the highest chance of cure compared with chemo alone. However, neither of them guarantees the cancer won’t come back. I asked helped from my friends in making a decision and one answer struck me the most, “No matter what the cost, I would do anything to increase my chances of living.” Although we do not have the money for the transplant, my parents never hesitated to push through with the procedure. “We will make it work,” they said. And for the past months, we did make it work through the help of so many angels.

I have joined many Lymphoma support groups all over the world and I am jealous of their health care system. They don’t have to worry about the cost of the transplant. Having a stem cell transplant in their country is not a question. It’s part of the procedure. While here in the Philippines, you have to think about it because it is not easy to shell out PhP 2.5M.

Here in the Philippines, PCSO gives medical assistance whether you are rich or poor. I believe that when one of your family member has cancer, it will always drain your savings. Processing PCSO guarantee letters is definitely not a walk in the park. I am lucky enough to have a brother and sister-in-law to process my papers instead of me going to PCSO. Imagine how many sick people line up as early as 3:00AM for them to secure the golden ticket in the form of a guarantee letter or medicines. It would take up your whole day! For some people, PCSO is their best way to survive the costly chemotherapy.

Miracles and New Beginnings

I would sometimes wonder what it would feel like to not ever worry about money which is an impossible world. Everyone worries about money. I remember telling my mom that with all the medical expenses we incurred, we could be millionaires right now. But then she told me, “None of them was ours. They were all given and donated for you to get better” Then it hit me how so many people are always willing to help. When I needed my first chemo immediately, my mom’s brother and friends willingly gave us money. When the bill was too high to be paid in cash, my mom’s friend went to the hospital and swiped her credit card. When there was a problem with my health card, my dad’s friends did everything to get it approved. Whenever we are about to be discharged from the hospital, help from my colleagues and friends would always come. I remember a dear friend of mine giving me P50,000.00 just because they have extra blessings in their family. Colleagues from Manila, Amsterdam, and Singapore pooled funds to help me with my medical bills. I receive so many messages saying that the only thing they can do for me is pray. Please know that prayers mean everything! I am blessed to have so many prayer warriors. I am deeply touched with the help I’ve been receiving. Even until now, my friends haven’t stopped creating fundraising events for my transplant. Miracles are indeed everywhere. You just have to stop and realize them.

Series of events led us to losing our house at the same time while I am battling cancer. It was heartbreaking. I kept on thinking why does these have to happen at the same time? With God’s grace, we were able to find a new place to stay immediately – as if it was handed to us without any glitches. I take this struggle as God’s way of telling us to start something new. I read a quote saying “You cannot heal in the same environment where you got sick” so maybe this is my new beginning.

Waiting Patiently

I am currently on my 15th day of confinement. I had 5 days of intensive chemo and now that my white blood cell count is down to 0.15, we are waiting for it to shoot up, so the stem cell harvest can be done. The waiting game is not easy. My counts are low, hence, I had a platelet transfusion and will be having a blood transfusion in a bit. I currently have a fever. My electrolytes are low too. For the past few days, some of you may know that I feel a bit down. I feel like I am not as strong as before when I was first battling cancer. I feel like I am so tired from everything. I just want to go home. But of course I will not stop fighting. I have so many angels standing with me in this fight and I won’t let them down.

I recently had a chat with one of the nurses that will handle my transplant. He was so informative because he told me what I should expect. Hearing his stories scared me. He said that when stem cells are transplanted back to me, I will experience a 40-degree fever, problems with the GI tract (this one is what I’m scared of the most), stomach pains, unable to eat anything to the point that my nourishments have to be given thru IV, that familiar feeling of weakness due to chemo but this time, it is more intense. The good news is, this will not last forever. I just have to endure the pain for a few days or weeks. But I admit, knowing these scared me so much that I had to cry to my parents.

Finally! After 3 high-dose chemo (which lasted for 5 days each of continuous chemo drugs being infused), my doctors gave me the go-signal for stem cell transplant. I am excited because I am closer to healing and soon I can get back to my old life but I am also scared because there is no definite reaction to the transplant. It all depends on the person.

I cry because I don't want to be sick.

I cry because I am overwhelmed with support from people.

I cry because sometimes, I think I will never win this battle.

I cry because I think about my parents and how this cancer affects them.

I cry because sometimes I feel like there's no hope.

I cry because sometimes I think I am becoming a burden to the family.

I met a lot of cancer patients while waiting there. In that place, I felt like having cancer was a normal thing. Before I got sick, I only knew one person who had cancer and I was so so scared to even mention that term. I used to think that cancer was like a life sentence. I was scared of it because it meant death to me. But now, it’s not a sentence for me. Rather, it is a period. A period of my life where I struggled a lot but it made me closer to my family and God.

It all started when I was having this lower right back pain accompanied by numbness on my right leg. I went to several doctors such as an Internist and Orthopedic Surgeon. My ortho suspected that I could have slipped disc. It was also my assumption since the symptoms were similar with an officemate of mine. So my ortho suggested I take an MRI. So I had to remove my braces since no metals are allowed. Having an MRI is probably one of my most scariest experience ever. I was inside this noisy machine for more than an hour. You can’t move or else the procedure will just be repeated and I wouldn’t want that. I stayed at that small space for more than an hour.

After a few days, I got the results. I was not scared at all since I was assuming that I only have slipped disc. But surprise surprise!! At the end of all those medical jargons, the only sentence I understood was “consider lymphoma” I was with 2 of my friends when I read it and its like my world stopped. Cancer. I was so scared. Upon arriving at my office, my caring officemate immediately asked me what the result was, thinking I have the same diagnosis as hers. I told her what I read and then I started to cry. I cried because I was scared. I know what cancer does to people.

I told my mom and she told me to send the results to our family doctor. I called my mom and then she told me that the doctor wanted to start chemo ASAP so I asked my mom “I have cancer?” She couldn’t answer then I heard her cry. I put down the phone and started to cry as well. Then my officemate approached me and brought me to one of the meeting rooms. She helped calm me down. I really appreciate her care and love for me :( I kept on crying and thinking what will happen to me.

The next day, we went to a neurosurgeon and scheduled a biopsy procedure. The result took longer than the usual but still inconclusive.

Then I started to feel shortness of breath. Actually, I already felt it before but I shrugged it off. But this time, just walking 5 steps would make me tired so I was rushed to the ER. It turns out I had excess fluids in my lungs. So a surgery was done to insert a tube near my lungs. After being discharged for 5 days, I was back at the hospital due to shortness of breath again and another tube had to be inserted at the other side. Poor me.

A second biopsy test was done to re evaluate my specimen. And finally, it was confirmed I have a Diffused B Cell lymphoma. This is the first time that cancer was detected from my family. But I’m still happy I’m the one who got it. I can’t bear it if my parents were the ones who had it. Or my Kuya, who has his big happy family. Or my younger brother who runs the business. I guess God gave it to me ‘cause He knows I can handle it.

I had my CT scan and it showed I had numerous tumors in my body. I can’t even remember how many. The biggest one was near the heart which needed radiation as I also had Superior Vena Cava syndrome which made me difficult to breath. The 2 tubes inserted both sides were the hardest. I had to endure that for a month and a half which made me lose my ability to walk (I’m still working on this haha).

They say when you go through chemotherapy and radiation, your life will never be the same again as you have experienced a lot of pain physically and emotionally. It’s true. But I’m trying to look at it in a different way.

Having cancer indeed changed my life. I never had this kind of positivity in my life. I keep thinking that everyday will be better. And it is. Slowly I am on my way to recovery. I keep living each day as if it is a miracle. I cry everytime I remember the pain I felt last September. That month was indeed the hardest as sickness after sickness came and it felt like I was never gonna get out of the hospital. There was actually a time that I thought I was gonna die. My mom was getting hysterical, I could hear her and the nurse had to care for her as well as she could not breath. My dad was beside me all the time while I was struggling for my life. That was the worst day of my life (aside from the time when my heart was broken lol)

Watching Miracles From Heaven made me realize that miracles are everywhere. Those friends of mine who visited me at the hospital, you don’t know how much it made me happy. To my friends who created the gogetfund me page and organized a block screening of Doctor Strange for me, and the help from my relatives and parents’ friends, these raised a lot of funds for me to secure almost all my chemotherapies (1 session actually cost P140,000 and I need 6 sessions). To my ING family here in the Philippines, Amsterdam, and Singapore for the big big help, thank you! To everyone who donated and simply shared my gogetfundme page, a big thanks to you. You guys have done a lot to save my life.

When we learned I had cancer, it was already on Stage 4. I was scared and thinking, “Isn’t that the dying stage?!” But I kept it to myself because I know I can handle this and I don’t want to see people crying. I usually do the crying alone. The doctor told us the amount of my meds and we were shocked. We don’t have that kind of money. I don’t even have half of that in my savings account. But it’s true, “God will provide” and He provided it through the people. Even strangers donated for me. I feel blessed because these strangers, they can choose to ignore you. But they took the time to help me out.

Every time I travel, I always say that “This is the best trip ever!” I will never ever get tired of traveling and exploring the entire world because each location I go to, it makes me appreciate the beauty of nature.

Upon booking our Cagayan de Oro flight, the main thing that made me excited was the White Water Rafting because it was probably the only thing I knew about that place. But the whole trip left me in awe as I traveled a small part of Northern Mindanao :)

Upon arriving at the airport (which is very pretty and clean, btw), we went straight to Iligan City for the Tinago Falls. OMG I did not expect to climb down 436 steps! But it was all worth it! Tinago falls definitely has this heavenly vibe!

After getting near the falls, swimming on the cold water, and jumping from the high rocks (which left me a lot of bruises), we had to climb 436 steps again (for a total of 872 steps!) My legs were shaking and I had to stop A LOT just to catch my breath. Our tour guide insisted on carrying me, but HELLO? That would be too funny!

Next stop would be the legendary Maria Cristina Falls. We can only got to look at it from a distance but it was definitely majestic!

The next day, we had to get up at 5am for our White Water Rafting. We enrolled at the advanced course at Kagay just because we read that the beginners course was quite boring. We were so scared because it was our first time but our guides made sure that we were safe as long as we followed their commands. There were 24 rapids (and more since some were not counted) which lasted for I think 4 hours.

I was actually hoping to fall off the raft but I was half-scared ‘cause there were a LOT of HUGE rocks :)

Next was not really part of our package but we decided not to miss out on it. We definitely made a good decision to go to Dahilayan Adventure Park in Bukidnon. We didn’t know that this place would be cold so we came there in our summer clothes.

We tried the ASIA’s LONGEST DUAL ZIPLINE and it was scary and awesome and scary but mostly awesome. ;) Best zipline I’ve tried so far.

This Ropes Challenge Course really put me to test! It has been a long time since I was physically challenged (not counting the climb to Tinago Falls). I actually almost cried during one course because I felt so tired and I can’t do it anymore so the kuya had to come to me to push me to the platform.

Dahilayan definitely had this cool, country-ish, forest-ish vibe so we had to take advantage of this beautiful place.

The next day, we had to ride a boat to the beautiful Camiguin! First stop would be the very pristine Mantigue Island. I really fell in love with its blue water and white sand!

Next is the ice cold Katibawasan Falls. The water kinda pricks your skin like ice. It’s THAT cold. We only swam for a few minutes because we couldn’t handle the temperature.

We had the chance to go to the hot springs, cold spings, Church ruins (toured by very smart kids), and the Sunken Cemetery

The last stop would be White Island for the heavenly sand bar! We only had a short amount of time because we had a plane to catch. It was a bit gloomy because of the weather but the sand bar, omg, is just too pretty. God is definitely a wonderful, perfect creator.

My best friend invited me to go to this beautiful place and I’m glad she introduced me to this. This is one of the most beautiful, serene, and accommodating resorts I’ve ever been to.

We wanted to have an all-out adventure so what we did was to commute going to and out ofthat place which was quite easy. From Sta. Lucia mall, we rode an FX (there’s a jeep too) going to Cogeo then you have to tell the driver to drop you off at the Cogeo Market. From there, ride a jeep going to Sampaloc then tell the driver to drop you off at Ten Cents To Heaven.

Their resort is huuuuuuge. They have the longest zipline in Luzon, lots of activities for team buildings such as rock climbing, obstacle course, etc.Theyalso have this scary 150m hanging bridge which I wasn’t able to finish.

The pools and the lovely view are also to die for in this place.

I wasn’t able to take a tour of the entire property but seeing a glimpse of it, this resort is definitely a must-visit! It even has a mini chapel to hold a beautiful wedding. Maybe someday :)