Korvinations

I went to Yellowstone for a week just this past week to get away from work since I was burning out. I was nervous that I wouldn't have the energy to do much or be able to relax either, but for the first time in a long time, I felt at least some connection to the wild again. Sitting in the windy fields of Lamar Valley with no signal, watching as the bison licked their new babies clean and observing this black wolf wearing a flashy radio collar resting in the shade of a cluster of pines, I felt the stir of an animal deep down in my soul. Some coyote came close to me too, darting through the grass towards the remnants of a bison kill while it watched me, and I felt observed in a way that humans don't observe me. There was a curiosity about what I am, what I would do, and where I fit in among them within the predator-prey web. I could sniff the air and take in everything, recognizing the smell of humidity in the clouds and the stink of musk. I could analyze the sounds and sights around me in deeper detail. I could feel the grasses and sharp thorns scratching at my legs and the cold of a snowstorm soon to come.

There was no sound except for the whistling of the wind storm, the rushing of water, the grunts of buffalo, and the chirps of rodents. There was no road noise, city noise, or a bombardment of unnatural noises. I even heard the chuffing of a grizzly bear hidden in the trees on the trail I followed and felt the need to make a decision and assess the situation just like a wild animal might since I understand that the grizzly bears there aren't unwilling to eat a person. There's something about being in a place so undeveloped, where the animals don't know much about mankind or what we can do in these bodies, that makes anyone feel like a primal being. All this is to say, I got on the plane and just cried quietly a few times when I knew it was over, seeing the mountains fading into the distance. I felt stupid, but I really did have an overwhelming moment of despair where I couldn't handle the thought of leaving that connection behind and that feeling just becoming another memory of a time I felt animalistic.

I hate that I spend so much of my life working a desk job where I spend more time under fluorescent lights than under the sun, where social pressure is extremely consuming and impacting my job stability, and where my perfectionism rips me to shreds even worse. The smells are artificial like pen ink and dust. The lights hurt my eyes. Performative conversations make me want to go mute by the afternoon. The "wind" is just coming from a vent above my desk. The sounds are just the whirring of computers and the clicking of keyboard. It's all of this all day everyday that I'm in that damn office. To be honest, I often don't know what the hell I am and I fear being wrong more than anything. I go home and I'm too tired to act like myself. I need to cook and clean and run errands, and can't sit there sniffing the air or ripping some raw, fresh dead thing apart as a snack while I shop. I know the instincts are in there, deep within me, but they're lost to me right now.

I feel like a horrible fraud, a human wearing an animal mask and lying to everyone online that I'm a therian because I just can't feel it much anymore. Everything that makes me who I am is hibernating in my very spirit, inaccessible and unattainable without the right conditions and dampened by the expectations adults have. It was trained out of me like a dog, and not performing could make me lose my home, my food, everything I need in the event that I ever got fired. The threat of AI isn't helping that as I try to outpace it and prove my worth constantly, but we're being asked to use and help train our damn replacements. Antidepressants are life-saving to me, but even that's not enough to really make me feel 100% like myself again because I'm always acting for others.

I really long to know what I am again, and to experience shifts and to feel the outside world and sniff the ground and dig my hands into the Earth and to imagine a life where I'm an animal mother, but it's "unproductive" and "unacceptable", or even "childish". I get told that all kids pretended to be animals and that all adults wish they could live a more wild life or even be animals so I'm not "different". I know I'm a therian still even if I struggle to label it lately or feel it as strongly, but I still have days where I doubt everything. I feel shame, embarrassment, and frustration all of the time and want to run away into the wilderness then never come back, but I can't. I'm always scared that something is wrong with me because others make it seem like there is, but I can't help what I am. I can't help but feel like something not meant to be in this human world, and coping with that is next to impossible since it's incredibly distressing.

First off: most people's 20's are full of grueling entry-level jobs, fighting for promotions, and struggling to pay rent, and it's incredibly common to lose sight of who you are under all of that for at least a few years because you don't have the time or energy or space for you. It's not your fault and you are not alone in this, though being nonhuman makes it a lot harder. It really, really sucks, but living in a depressing self-losing hole for your 20's is practically a life milestone (because the modern job market is basically an elaborate form of hazing) and most people get back out of the hole by their 30's if they realize they're in it. Once you have some solid work experience on your resume and have gotten a sense of what you enjoy (and hate) in a workplace your options will start to open up– you're just probably going to have to weigh quality of life against money.

With a finance degree and a few years of experience, for example, you could find a relevant job at a place like an environmental nonprofit or a camping equipment brand where even if you're still technically in an office looking at spreadsheets it'll be one full of plants and nature photos and people who care about the same things as you. The caveat is that more therian-friendly jobs can sometimes pay less or be less stable, but as long as you'll make enough for necessities and an emergency fund it's absolutely worth it. A job is never, ever, worth more than your mental health unless you have no other options. It's just something that pays your bills. And it's not always possible to find a job you like that pays enough, but it's usually possible to find a job that doesn't feel like it's slowly killing you. You don't have to love what you do for work as long as when you leave at the end of the day you don't feel awful– and for most people that's determined almost entirely by your work environment, hours, benefits, and boss/coworkers, not by what you're actually doing.

My personal policy (and my partner's and best friend's as well) is to only work for places you feel ideologically aligned with, because that both makes your work feel more self-actualizing and determines the kind of culture you'll be living in 40hrs a week. It narrows your options a lot because most larger companies are frankly horrifying, but it hasn't steered me wrong. No matter what the job listing says, the values of the company are usually what determines how enjoyable the job will be to do. Unless you have elaborate future life plans you're willing to suffer for, a job working for friendly people who care about the same things as you is always going to be better than doing the same thing (or even a better thing!) for people you don't like for more money. And smaller, more ethically- and/or employee-focused companies almost invariably treat their employees better and have a more socially authentic work environment.

It can get better as long as you don't lose sight of what's really important to you. Keep carving out time to spend in nature, be gentle with yourself, and strive for a future where your job isn't at odds with who you are. Add plants to your desk. Go outside for your lunch break. Check for job listings for more environmental-adjacent places a few times a week, and if you see something you can do consider jumping on it. There is no penalty for applying to or interviewing for a position you decide you don't want after talking to them, as long as your current workplace knows you're considering other options and should be expecting calls to check your references; sometimes even just knowing there are other options out there can help you get through the day. Even if you don't end up using your degree long-term, finding somewhere you can feel more like you all day is worth more than anything else.