ad finem fidelis

At the library, checking out a book, and the librarian compliments my kids saying how cute they are, followed by:

“Due in 4 weeks” - in a very excited, upbeat way, prompting me to say….

“Omg really, you are?! Congrats! I couldn’t even tell!”

Librarian: “No. The book.”

OH.

FOR ANYONE THAT NEEDS IT…

I don’t usually get too caught up in ‘celebrity mourning’. The loss of someone is tragic, regardless of their occupation. But Robin’s death hit me in a way I never expected, for two deeply personal reasons. First, I literally don’t remember not knowing who Robin Williams was. Even as a child, I remember identifying him as 'the funny man’. My grandmother and I watched him dazzle during The Tonight Show visits, he taught me about friendship in Aladdin, took me on a magical journey in What Dreams May Come, inspired me with Dead Poets Society and gave me a lot to think about in Good Will Hunting. Robin Williams was an active verb in my life. He set a standard that I assumed would be a constant for many more years to come. His death leaves me truly shocked. Still. Which leads me to the second reason. I was first diagnosed with depression at 19. I’d stumbled through a pretty rocky childhood and eventually two years later, it all caught up with me one night when I just didn’t think I could stomach another day of intense sadness. I swallowed a bottle of Tylenol PM. Now, did I want to die? Not really. But that was the only way I could break through this overwhelmingly thick barrier of hopelessness that stood between myself and everyone else. Having your stomach pumped is enough to scar you for life. Trust me on this. More importantly, that and the look of genuine fear in my fathers eyes were enough to make me want to learn how to live with depression. It is a disease. It is not an emotion. And it’s something that with lots of time, self work and consistent effort, anyone can overcome. I am living proof. People with depression often hide in plain sight. In the worst of times, we go about our lives with canned responses, doing just enough to not ring any alarms because when you’re in the thick of it, the answer to everything is, 'what’s the point?’

But, you. That’s the point. You.

These days depression is apart of my life much life dieting. It’s an exercise in discipline. Once every four or five months I’ll have one really tough day where it’ll feel like my entire life is going to hell. It’s in those moments where I evoke the emergency response part of myself that’s ready to remind me that I’m not having a bad life, just a bad day. Then I wait it out. Or if I can’t, I call someone. More than anything I’ve learned there is no shame in simply saying, 'I need some help’ or 'I’m having a tough time’ or 'I just need to hear a friendly voice.’ I’m human. And thankfully, so is everyone else.

I say all of this because as I reflect on Robin and the brilliant catalog of laughs and lessons he left us, I can’t help but wish he’d remembered that he wasn’t having a bad life. Just one last bad day.

And maybe we can all use this as Robin’s final gift to us, a heartbreaking reminder that there is no shame in simply picking up the phone, sending a text, a tweet, a status update or simply walking outside and saying, 'I’m having a thought time.’ Maybe that can be the lesson amidst our confusion and grief…for anyone who needs it.

Cosmic Brownies 💫🪐🌙

KEITH SCOTT (Sitting in car, reading. Shot by police officer, who was NOT CHARGED)

ATATIANA JEFFERSON (Looking out her window, shot by police officer, who is STILL UNDER INDICTMENT for murder)

JONATHAN FERRELL (Asking for help after auto accident. Shot twelve times by police, case ended in MISTRIAL)

JORDAN EDWARDS (Riding in a car. Shot in the back of the head by police officer, who was found GUILTY of murder ⭐)

STEPHON CLARK (Holdng a cel phone. Shot 8 times, 6 in the back. Officers NOT CHARGED)

AMADOU DIALLO (While taking out wallet, officers fired 41 shots by four officers, who were all ACQUITTED)

RENISHA MCBRIDE (Auto accident, knocked on door for help. Homeowner was found GUILTY of second-degree murder ⭐)

TAMIR RICE (Playing with toy gun, shot by police officer arriving on scene. Officer was NOT CHARGED)

SEAN BELL (Hosting a bachelor party, 50 rounds fired by police officers, who were found NOT GUILTY of charges)

WALTER SCOTT (Pulled over for brake light, shot in the back by police officer, who pleaded GUILTY to CIVIL RIGHTS VIOLATIONS *NOT* MURDER)

PHILANDO CASTILE (Pulled over in car, told officer he had a legally registered weapon in car. Officer ACQUITTED of all charges)

AIYANA JONES (Sleeping, accidentally shot by officer in a raid on wrong apartment. Officer CLEARED OF ALL CHARGES)

TERRENCE CRUTCHER (Disabled vehicle, shot by police officer, who was found NOT GUILTY of manslaughter.)

ALTON STERLING (Selling CDs, shot at close range while being arrested. NO CHARGES FILED)

FREDDIE GRAY (Beaten to death by officers while being transported in police van. All officers involved were ACQUITTED)

JOHN CRAWFORD (Shopping at WalMart, holding a BB gun on sale, police officer was NOT CHARGED)

MICHAEL BROWN (Shot by twelve times by officer, including in the back. NO CHARGES FILED)

JORDAN DAVIS (Killed because he was playing loud music. Shooter found GUILTY of first-degree murder ⭐)

SANDRA BLAND (Pulled over for traffic ticket, tasered and arrested. SUSPICIOUS SUICIDE while in jail. NO CHARGES)

AHMAUD AUBREY (Jogging, shot by two men who claimed they suspected him of burglaries. Both men charged with murder and aggravated assault ⭐)

BOTHAM JEAN (Shot at home, which police officer mistook for her own. Officer found GUILTY of murder ⭐)

OSCAR GRANT (Handcuffed and face-down, officer shot him in the back. Officer found GUILTY of involuntary manslaughter ⭐)

COREY JONES (Waiting by his disabled vehicle, was shot three times by police officer, who was found GUILTY of murder ⭐)

Remember them all. ✊🏻✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿