ever since i went back to davis for summer school, nothing feels right anymore.
davis is so much more quiet. half of my friends aren't here, and the ones that are, we have trouble meeting up to spend time together because our schedules are very different. i have a lot less class but a lot more homework and work, yet at the same time i find myself with so much free time. my fraternity isn't active over the summer, so i don't have any pledges to train, any socials to attend, or any meetings to sit through. it's quiet, and i don't think i like it.
i don't think i would wish this on anyone. with all this silence and quiet, i only get more uncomfortable. it started out bad, and only got worse. at first, i was creeped out by how eerily empty and quiet my apartment was at night. and then once one of the subleasers moved in, i became lost. i'm not comfortable with her. every day she overloaded my apartment with more things that didn't feel like it belonged. more bags cluttering the living room. more people speaking a language i didn't understand, filling the space with noise and bustle that wasn't mine anymore. she's polite and sweet, and maybe it's just me and my damn hardened heart and mind, but i can't tolerate her very well.
i'm afraid to go home now, because i can't stand staying out in the common space. i can only sit in my room, and that's starting to not feel like mine anymore as well. when i wake up, everything is mine, but doesn't feel that way. all the clothes hanging in my closet, the things on my desk, have memories associated with each of them but it just doesn't seem right. it's like a combination of me not deserving or belonging, and the memories leaving a bad taste in my mouth.
i'm starting to lose my goddamn mind. at night, i don't like how the darkness wraps itself around the walls. it's a darkness that knows that i am alone, and it creeps up around me in the sheets. and these past couple weeks, more times than not, i've succumbed to it, and all i can do is let it control my mind and tell me things that make me want to leave forever.
i don't think i've ever been homesick before, but i think this is the first time i've genuinely felt that way. i've cried almost every single day since i came back for summer session. i feel so fucking lonely. davis doesn't feel right anymore to me. it's starting to feel like no one genuinely cares about me here. i know i have friends, and a boyfriend, but it doesn't matter. i feel like i'm starting to have to force myself to get up every morning and put on a facade to pretend that everything is fine. it's starting to feel like everyone and everything is lying to me.
today is july 4th. most people are out today with their friends partying and getting wasted. but i'm not. i was too afraid to go out with some of my friends from my fraternity, because i didn't know if i would be able to go out and pretend everything is okay. i'm starting to get really distrustful and cautious of what i say too. but now i'm just getting depressed, since i feel like i don't belong. it was entirely my choice and decision not to go out, but i just feel like garbage.
