Kohai

That’s real love

loveisrespect

1% How many people have you had sex with?

2% Can you remember the names of everyone you’ve slept with?

3% With whom did you first do the sexytimes? Was it good?

4% What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?

5% What’s the worst sex you’ve ever had?

6% Where’s the most unusual place you’ve had sex?

7% Where’s the most unusual place you’ve masturbated?

8% Have you ever been caught doing the sexytimes?

9% If you masturbate, when did you start, and how?

10% Have you ever been caught masturbating?

11% How would you describe your sexuality using only adjectives (describing words–busy, fluffy, squishy, etc.)?

12% Have you ever been in a queer relationship?

13% Have you ever been in a straight relationship?

14% If you aren’t straight, how and when did you realise you weren’t?

15% Are you out to everyone you know?

16% Where do you meet queer folks to date? Do you find it difficult?

17% If your parents know about your sexuality, how did they react?

18.% Does your best friend know about your sexuality? How did they react?

19% Describe your first queer kiss.

20% What’s the queerest shit you’ve ever done?

21% Are you happy with your body?

22% What’s the raddest part of your bod, and why?

23% What do you do with your body hair (pubes, underarms, legs, etc.)?

24% Do you have stretch marks? Where?

25% Describe your nipples in too much detail.

26% Cut or uncut? For girls do you have a preference?

27% Longest dry streak after you lost your virginity?

28% Describe your size, Guys penis, girls breasts

29% Have you tasted your self? Did you like it?

30% Favorite body part on your preferred sex?

31% Describe your most unusual/taboo fantasy.

32% Do you fantasise more about real situations, or imaginary/impossible ones?

33% Who’s the oddest person you’ve fantasised about?

34% Do you ever find yourself fantasising absent-mindedly, or is it something you do on purpose?

35% Do you always fantasise while you masturbate?

36% When you fantasise, does it usually lead to masturbation?

37% Have you ever had sex with someone while fantasising about someone else?

38% Do you have any celebrity crushes that you fantasise about?

39% Have you ever fantasised about something by accident, and felt weird about it after?

40% Describe your most sexy fantasy.

41% How do you feel about BDSM?

42% What’s your most unusual kink?

43% In an SM context, do you prefer giving pain, or receiving it?

44% Do you consider yourself to be dominant, submissive, both, or neither?

45% Describe your most recent bondage experience.

46% In a BDSM context, have you ever referred to anyone as “daddy,” “mommy,” or any similar term?

47% Do you have a kink for any bodily fluids (pee, saliva, blood, tears, cum, etc.)?

48% Have you ever revealed a kink to someone and had them react negatively?

49% Do you have any kinks that you’re ashamed of?

50% How much money have you spent on equipment for your kinks (toys, whips, chains, etc.)?

51% Do you like squirting

52% Have you ever come solely from penetration (anal or vaginal)?

53% Can you have an orgasm without your genitals being touched?

54% Describe how you like your genitals to be touched.

55% How sensitive are your nipples? Does nipple play turn you on?

56% Do you find it easier to orgasm with another person, or through masturbation?

57% Have you ever had an orgasm that you weren’t expecting?

58% Do you get off easier from rough contact, or gentle?

59% What’s the best orgasm you’ve ever had?

60% Did it take you a while to have your first orgasm, or were you an early starter?

61% Do you enjoy giving oral sex? Why?

62% What’s your favourite position in which to receive oral?

63% Describe your oral sex technique.

64% Do you find it easier to give oral to someone with the same genital configuration as you (eg., you both own vaginas/both own penises), or different?

65% Describe the worst oral sex you’ve ever received.

66% Describe the best oral sex you’ve ever received.

67% Do you ever simulate oral sex while masturbating (sucking on dildos etc.)?

68% How sensitive is your mouth? Is it an erogenous zone, for you?

69% Do you like 69ing?

70% Can you deep-throat?

71% Do you like it in the butt?

72% What’s the strangest object you’ve had in your butt?

73% Do you enjoy being rimmed?

74% Can you take a lot in your butt, or just a little?

75% Describe your most recent experience with buttsex.

76% Do you like doing stuff to other people’s butts?

77% (Prostate-owners) Have you ever received a prostate massage?

78% Do you own any buttplugs?

79% Have you ever had an embarrassing buttsex experience?

80% Have you ever pegged someone (ie., worn a strapon and fucked them in the butt)?

81% Do you have sex with music in the background

82% Have you ever had sex with more than one person?

83% Have you ever had an orgy? Would you?

84% Do you enjoy watching your partner(s) having sex with others?

85% Lights on or off?

86% Do you own any sex toys

87% Have you or would you ever do a gangbang?

88% Have you ever teamed up with someone and given a double blowjob/double cunnilingus?

89% Have you ever been penetrated by more than one person at the same time?

90% Have you ever been ejaculated on by more than one person at the same time?

**BONUS DARES**

91% Post a selfie.

92% Post a naked selfie.

93% Tag your biggest tumblr crush.

94% Post your follower count.

95% Press ctrl-v, and post whatever comes up.

96% Tag your top five followers.

97% Post your most recent Facebook status here.

98% Post the last SMS you received.

99% Post the last SMS you sent.

Written by a friend of a friend whom shall remain nameless…

1) Do what you’re told. Not just when you want to, not just when it’s easy, but every single time. If you’ve suddenly decided you’re a free agent that’s a conversation for negotiation in whatever format that takes in your dynamic. Until then, less talking, more obeying.

2) Keep your commitments. If me/you/we have decided on a certain protocol you’re expected to follow through. Nothing sucks the magic out of a D/s interaction faster than when BOTH people let protocols lapse and drift by the wayside. If you act like a part-time sub expect to be treated like one.

3) Try to be just a little less self-centered. The journey of submission is all about YOU, I get it. Truthfully all of us Doms get it, but there is an illusion here that needs to be maintained, and when every check-in boils down to how things are going for you and you don’t bother to ask, “How are you, are you satisfied, are you getting what you need out of me, how can I improve our shared experience?” It makes you look kinda shallow.

4) Don’t compare yourself to other people. Whether you’re poly or monogamous, every time you look at another person and say: “I’ll bet he likes them more than me.” You’re essentially saying “I don’t trust you, I don’t trust us, I don’t really believe that you want me like you say you do.” We are with you for a reason. Not receiving the desire we feel for you is deeply insulting.

5) Sacrifice. This is the deeper side of D/s, it’s where the givers separate themselves from the users. There is nothing that builds a connection faster than doing something unpleasant, when you don’t want to, without being asked, without seeking praise. It’s also very easy to take for granted, which is why you should take your time and don’t give yourself to a Dom who’s a shithead.

6) Own your tantrums. You have feelings, deep intense feelings, if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be a sub. I encourage you to learn to track when the kettle is about to boil so together we can point the steam in a safe direction. When you fuck up though, and I get a face full of hot water, and you say bad things, you need to accept that in the morning you’ll be held accountable for the things you said even if you didn’t really mean them. This can be a tough pill to swallow, which brings us to our next point:

7) Take it with grace. Ritual and submission are amazing tools to refocus the mind and de-escalate emotions, but the collar is not a magic ring, YOU make the magic. You make it by catching yourself, by breathing into your rituals, by transforming frustration and stress into submission and present moment awareness. Each repetition is a form of emotional alchemy much in the same way that CBT thought-stopping is, (that’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, not Cock and Ball Torture, you perverts).

8) Help us to evolve. I’m talking about recognizing that every human being is a little bit lost in their own way, and the difference is that Doms don’t have someone constantly fixating on how to guide us into being better versions of ourselves. Deftly guiding power figures in the directions they need to go is the forte’ of the masterful submissive, and the difference between that and manipulation is that you always have the person’s own interests at heart, even when they conflict with your own. It’s easy to love a Dom as an archetype or a caricature, but to evaluate a whole human being, and desire to kneel for them anyways is the deepest expression of love. You and I may have different toolboxes, but we are building the same house.

9) Stick around. Fact is, most subs vanish as soon as the honeymoon wears off. This phenomenon of women who beg for submission then pull the ripcord at 3-7 months once it’s no longer all about them makes Doms cynical, hard, and reluctant to engage, and further shrinks the pool of the few decent guys who can do this stuff well. I think a lot of this stems from the idea that Dominance is something that’s being done to you, and not with you. If you empower yourself as a co-creator of the dynamic, you’ll be able to make it last longer. I think it might also stem from the fact that a good chunk of lifestylers (both Dom and sub) are emotionally broken jackasses. Sorry, I’m a dick.

10) Cut us some ‘effin slack for god sakes. Being a Dom is a LOT of work, it requires time, focus, and a wide open emotional bandwidth. It takes discipline to hold your ground when things are difficult, knowing that if you repair them with vanilla ‘bargaining’ tactics you will also dissolve the dynamic in the process. As a sub starts to see you as more human, it gets harder. When she/he gets to the “resistance” stage of the relationship, it gets harder. As real life starts to throw you curve balls, it gets harder. Aside from the emotional aspect of things, what it takes to keep things fresh and interesting is an aspect that is hard to appreciate until you’re the one in charge. The thing they don’t tell you about being a Dom is that even if you have the gravitas to make a girl melt, if you don’t have the creativity to constantly invent and reinvent new twists on a very old theme, you’re just a tall dark stranger standing there with your dick in your hand. Sometimes I think this is why geeks end up being better Doms than their smokey eyed, jack-booted, ‘true dom’ counterparts.

Once a submissive puts her submission in the hands of her Dominant, she experiences such peace. So many of the things she had to worry about before, are now out of her hands. What will she wear? Will she wake up on time? What if she gets anxious? All the little stresses that were once part of her day to day, are now simple rules, consistent support, and under the supervision of her Dominant’s will. It’s what her nature has been yearning for. Now, she can relax.

But what about all the time leading up to submission? In the time between meeting her Dominant, and his control over her day to day life, she is in charge of all the decisions. She decides who is a prospective Daddy. She decides how fast he will earn that title. She decides when intimacy starts between them, and how fast it will progress. It’s so very important that she has control of things during this time, and yet, it’s not in her nature to want such control, or wield it in the presence of a Dominant that may one day be hers. 

It’s no wonder so many submissives rush through the screening process on their way towards submission. The temptation to hand everything over to Him as soon as possible much be almost impossible to resist. So hard to resist, that she is willing to do things before she is comfortable, allow him to take liberties with her body and her spirit that most would consider reckless, and hand Him the reins before she feels the complete trust that she should wait to feel. 

In the end though, it’s the fact that she has ALL the control herself prior to submission, and gives it ALL to him in submission, that makes the power exchange so complete and intense, and makes the dynamic so successful. 

space girl, I saw a lunar eclipse

looked like how I feel 'bout your lips

June 17, 2020: Morning

I’ve been at it about six years, and I am a product of the lessons found in this community, and the experiences given to me by my subs and our local community of kinky friends. My impression of BDSM for most of my life was full of leather and pain and dungeons, and I never dug into it any further, until I was into my 40s.

The lifestyle is about the exploration of power, very primal power dynamics found throughout nature, by people who have a passion for relationships, and an appetite for sex.

At the core of it all, is consent. No one gets beat, without consent. No one tells someone what to do without it. All the relationships and activities are built around it. That understanding took a lot of the darkness out of my first impression.

Once you learn about and understand submission and submissives, more darkness clears away. It’s ok to put someone you love and trust in charge of you. It’s a beautiful thing to give your choices and personal evolution over to someone who wants to help you be the best you that you are able to be. That is what a dominant does. That is my role.

The final block of darkness for me was the pain. Understanding and accepting that there are huge numbers of people for whom pain brings pleasure, and for whom receiving impact is the highest expression of vulnerability and commitment.

So now the darkness is gone amidst words like nature, passion, consent, trust, vulnerability, and commitment. I see the lifestyle through a very different lens than 40 year old me did. It took time for me to sort it all out, first finding it though, but it’s become what I intend to feature in my life going forward. I hope you find a similar journey out of the darkness, and I hope this helps to put you on the road that leads you out.