~Kobi's Windshield~

I want a cat - yes, I said it: now I want a cat. 

This is a strange statement for me, because I never really did like cats...They cause so much trouble...

I tried to be friends with them, but this what I got....

How did this occur? 

In order for you to understand, I have to take you back, back, back in my recent past.....

I became a pastor some years ago, after a life in business.

I was interested in the unsupported spiritual dimension in the life of each person. I felt called to this, as if to a mission.

Previously, I had been in a small business. As the years went by, I thought if I did not give pastoral  work a try, I would forever regret it. 

So, I was ordained. 

I was moved to a post in a far-away city. 

My wife and I sold our house and said goodbye to our friends. It seemed as if we were going on an adventure. 

One of the perks of the new position was we enjoyed the use of a large house that belonged to the church. 

We settled in....

In the house there was a kitchen...

and, to my dismay

 in the kitchen, there were MICE

They came by night...

they came by day...

they did not seem to care whether were there, or not...

they ruled the house, and there were so many of them...

We tried to bring this to the attention of the committee that was overseeing the house, but to no avail...

We are unable to control the matter....

We tried to trap them...but they outsmarted us every time

Our CAT was rather old and rather big. He tried hard, but catching mice was quite beyond his capabilities. 

So, we took it upon ourselves to manage the situation....

There were times, that we thought the house was being taken over....

Then one day, our beloved cat left us for the Rainbow Bridge....

We were so sad...

Now we were truly alone, except for the mice

This, among other matters, diminished the quality of our life so much that we decided to leave my job and move back to the city where we came from...I have written about this in an earlier entry entitled Metamorphosis.

And so, we moved again

We bought a new / old house - things were looking good

Even though I had left my job, I knew I would get back on the right track. We settled into our new place with happiness...

All was well, until yesterday...

I woke up

and then, as I made my morning coffee....

I looked on the kitchen floor,

to my dismay...

I SAW A MOUSE!!!!

In Crossroads (part one), I detailed the story of my life. Well, not my whole life, just from the 1970′s until the 1980s when I met my wife to be. I also placed the narrative in a simplistic but large historical setting. 

By the time I met my wife, certain things had fallen into place: 

I had work: 

I stopped drinking: 

and I had a place to live: 

(Well, to be exact, it was more like this...

...Except, I was a guy...in fact, I still am a guy).

Both my wife and I moved back to the East and were without jobs. I was paid through the end of the fiscal year after ‘the ship went down’ (see Metamorphosis). My wife left her position also. We left the city where we lived in, moved back to the part of the country where we used to live, secured housing, and drifted for awhile.

 During that time, (which we call “The Blur”) we relaxed during the day, took walks, reconnected with friends and family. 

In the evening we opened up the laptop, went to Amazon Prime and watched a series that was romantic and exciting: 

we were enthralled by the tension and drama....

...Shocked by the plot-twists

and moved with compassion by the characters...

Eventually this phase had to end, and both of us had to start looking for real work. 

We had a situation:

I am 64; I believe I still have what it takes to be effective in the workplace. I am healthy and, in the right light, I look ok. 

I have experience, maybe a little too much experience.

I am a decision maker, maybe too much of a decision maker.

I have confidence, maybe a little too much confidence.

All of this adds up to this: I have “attitude.” 

In the young, that is cool, but as an older adult looking for work, I began to realize that it might limit my offerings. 

It was difficult for me to act smooth and polished all the time, like Mitt: 

Still, I thought I would do alright once I put my mind to it.

My wife’s situation was different. In many ways she is more marketable. 

First of all, she is a smart professional. She also looks great

When she sets her mind on a goal, there is no stopping her...

Though she is cautious, and self-protective even to the point of being fearful at times,  I have seen her bravely walk into hell and come back in order to accomplish her goals. 

In our current situation, we have had to deal with the fact that there are not many jobs out there. 

As far as jobs in her field, some were problematic (see Chocolate Therapy), and others were just too far away. 

Trying to position ourselves back in the workplace has made me recall the dynamics: 

Work is difficult, no matter how you cut it. 

There are co-workers who have “personalities”...

Yeah....and

...there are supervisors who exercise authority....

and there are other annoyances, 

such as small talk in the workplace about celebrity stuff that is mildly fascinating but, in the end,  a waste of time...

you hear News that you wish you never heard,

and Endless stories about a recent vacation that someone had...

Worst of all, you are faced with a lack of proximity to decent food....

WHICH YOU WILL DECIDE TO EAT BECAUSE YOU ARE HUNGRY AND IT IS LUNCH

When you get back, you will experience frustrating office conditions...

and get tired and sleepy from a full stomach

Still, knowing all of this, you have to try to find work.

***

When I met my wife, I was about 30 years old. This took place in the world of Ronald Reagan’s presidency. 

It was a time of optimism in America

A time of ...sexism

...a time of honesty

...a time of culture....

A time of Dustin Hoffman movies...

a time of pride....

And a time of FEAR, particularly of the USSR. 

There was Brezhnev, their leader

He held the power of the Soviet Union in his grasp

At the other end of the pendulum was the conservative leader of the UK, Margaret Thatcher. She was called “The Iron Lady” by the Soviets because of her unwavering opposition to Soviet global expansion and human rights abuses

Reagan was also feared by the Soviets, who saw him as an ideologue with moral courage and an unpredictable temperament. 

Three more incredibly powerful political figures would soon walk onto the world stage, and change it forever: 

First, there was Mikhail Gorbachev, who replaced Brezhnev. “Gorby” was the broad-minded leader who, with his policy of “openness” (glasnos) became one of the key players in the fall of the Soviet Union. 

Also, there was 

Pope John Paul, the fearless and principled figure who would help channel the forces of change in Europe: 

And of course, there was Lech Walensa: 

Walensa was the leader of the “solidarity movement” in Poland. This non-violent trade union organization, some 10 million strong, was the first political organization to stand up to the militaristic authority of the Soviet, and they won.

The Berlin Wall came down! 

Things were changing in the world at the time I met my wife-to-be.  

However, the 70′s were not exactly a great time for me personally: 

I could not seem to get my feet off the ground...

I tried and tried...

I saw success all around me...

but it eluded me somehow....

I felt sorry for myself, and retreated into some unhealthy behaviors

I found it difficult to meet someone for a meaningful relationship...

So I did what many have done in the past, I moved to Brooklyn

I stopped drinking in a 12 Step recovery program, and I was amazed that my mental clarity returned....

My emotions came back...

I accepted who I was

I felt like myself at last....

Some new friends were kind of intense....

I started to realize how grateful I was to be alive...

...but the relationship thing still eluded me....so....

I decided to stay unattached...

Instead, I started a little painting and wallpapering business...

We started to show promise....

and all of these developments, from Reagan and Gorbachev, from Cold War to the Berlin Wall falling down, all brought me to the most important person in my life...my girlfriend who in time would become.....

(to be continued) 

Well, our kids are getting older, it is true. 

In the beginning, it was all about diapers, food and sleep. Time relaxes when you have kids, and things slow down. 

When we had our son, he did not slow us down much: 

Then when our daughter was born, we still did everything we used to do, and we still got up and around: 

But when our next daughter was born, things slowed down quite a bit: 

We also adopted two cats:

And a demanding rescue dog...

life was full on real, living the dream in New Jersey

Of course, I had my girls from my first marriage, who were just emerging into their teen-age years: 

and their boyfriends....

and their boyfriends

one of them fell in love with a rocker...

and the other studied anthropology and went to Africa to teach English...

As far as parenting went, it was busy - there was so much to do that you did not think about anything other than just making it through the day, and the week. Months flew by, and then years... 

My wife stayed beautiful:

...I had my own business, and was doing all right...holding it together somehow....

time flew by....

I got older

I was still battling the world, but wondering if I should slow down. 

So, after the meltdown I described above in “Metamorphosis,” we just moved back to Philadelphia.

Our kids were out on their own, which you can read about in other posts. As for my wife and I, our nest was empty. 

We wanted to scale-back...

Nowadays, I have noticed, my wife has been a little obsessed with two things: 

1) Getting another cat and 2) decorating our new place. 

Both fall under the category of “nesting instinct.” 

Let’s take # 1: the Cat

she wants a playful cat

a lovable cat

A lap cat

As for #2, she wants everything to look nice in the house: 

all the time....

from my viewpoint, it seems every room must be perfect

“We will live where beauty will surround us every moment, every breath we take, every instant of life must have abundant and abiding joy....to live the glorious life...” 

but sometimes things aren’t perfect...

Regardless, she still wants the cat. 

We were arguing - she felt judged because she was going to cancel a job interview that she lined up earlier that day. I was going “whaaaaa?”

It didn’t start out that way, in fact, I was being generous. She had a job interview across town and i recommended that we drive there a day ahead and check out the place. 

I was being so nice.

The job was a bit of a drive from our place. Though it was not a big deal to me, it was to her: it involved driving down a snake-like fast-moving hiway, across a narrow bridge, threading a needle-thin roadway over the river, and spilling into an unknown part of town on the other side. Piece of cake.

I said:”no biggie - you can do this.” 

We arrived before a old dark stone church, with a separate building next it. We saw the numbered address over the door. This is the place where she will be working, I thought... 

I said with an enthusiastic flair: “great - we’re here ”

She moved as if carefully loading a rifle, slowly, methodically, placing it against her shoulder. She aimed at the target, pulled the trigger, and said: 

“no - I don’t like this place.” 

“You haven’t been here for more than a minute!” 

She got quiet, and then more quiet...something was goin’ on -  I retreated into myself...my well being was shredding fast...

We drove home in silence. 

Much later, I realized the larger issue - 

I was jumping to a conclusion, a conclusion that made her appear biased and judgmental. 

In truth, she had a list of reasons for deciding to not go to the interview. 

Only she knew the different factors...

I realized again how subtle a relationship can be..

We spent some time thinking about what had happened, and then...

Men are supposed to be strong. I think that is a good thing. Like a lion, we need to be protective of our wives and our children. We need to 'mark our territory’ in a way that says to the world: “this is my family, and they are the most important people in my life.” If I did not feel that way, I never could have achieved the things that I did, or become the person I am. 

This does not mean that women are not as strong - hardly. In my marriage, I rely on my wife’s strength and intelligence as much as I rely on my own. She knows the path in our life many times when I am in darkness; I would not be intelligent or strong, nor would I truly love her,  if I did not realize this. 

Lately however, it seems that the roles have been reversed a little. It started with some decisions I made which turned out different than I expected....

Let’s step back a minute....

about 12 years ago, I changed jobs, into a more executive position...

At first, the work was new, and I was cautious...

People told me I was doing well...

Finally, I was dispatched to be the leader of a large organization. This was a very new experience, and I had a ton of responsibility. 

After a year, things started to get out of hand...

At first I could not believe what was happening....

our Board meetings became unruly...

I thought they were nuts...

then, it started to dawn on me 

the pressure of my position was a cage, where we were living separate lives

my job was getting out of control...

I was getting too involved in executive decisions....

others started to follow me...

I was taking risks

this was affecting my well being....

At times, I thought I had become another person...I began to ponder my situation...

I had indeed lost the sense of who I was ...

finally I became receptive to a new approach...

I thought about my options

the best choice was to leave....

I realized if I did, this may well be the end....

and so it was.....

My wife stepped forward, becoming quietly assertive... 

and I became more like this: 

We found a new way to communicate in our marriage...

...I think she enjoys her new found intelligent dominance in our relationship....

I needed a lot of understanding, considering the precarious situation I put our marriage in, including our financial health. I have paid a high price for some decisions that I made that were not carefully considered. Most of all, I did not consult her fully before I made them....I have had a hard time forgiving myself....

I still feel bad when I think of it... she has been great in trying to understand my pain and distress....

I am slowly starting to feel better....

I have suffered a huge loss of confidence, but I am going to be strong again...

I will explore new options....

I will find myself....

I will love myself and my life again.....

Last weekend, our girls came down to visit from the Northern state where they live. 

They traveled down to our city, (which is by a great river and contains an ancient artifact they call the Liberty Bell), to attend an very important event: the baby shower for their older sister. 

We had only recently moved to this place, and they had not seen the home that we bought, nor had they walked on the street that we now call home. 

They arrived in pouring rain the night before, and we all went to bed exhausted.

 The next morning, I made pancakes for breakfast, and we had a peaceful day of fun and being together. I was pleased to see that they were young women now, living on their own 500 miles away. 

Eventually, our time ran out. The time had come, and  I watched them drive away from our tree-lined street.  As they waved from their car, I whispered to myself: 

”stay forever.” 

Our kids came into our lives one by one, 

‘l’at, l’at as they say in Hebrew, or in English, “slowly slowly.”

Our family started with my two girls from my first marriage. 

when i met her, i knew she was the one

I was happy that my wife accepted the responsibility of marrying someone who had kids already. 

These girls were 6 and 7 by the time my wife were united at the altar. 

About two years later, our son arrived, and over the next three years our two daughters were born. We were now a family of seven, and I was the father of five. 

I loved being a father. There were very few moments when I thought it was too much. It seemed that, by accepting the responsibility of parenting and marriage, and being a provider and support for all, that I entered into a flow, a current, or a stream of activity that had a momentum of its own. In that flow I was carried to softball and soccer games, concerts and plays, birthday parties and more. 

There were moments of sadness, where I was the shoulder they cried on. And there were times when I sat on the end of their beds to read stories, or to talk. How blessed was this, the most difficult and rewarding of all jobs. 

Now I look back on the years of parenting. In our neighborhood, I look around and I see young families, like we used to be. 

They seem so well dispositioned and equal to the task. I admire them. My wife says that young people run the world, and I thought about this - she is right, and we were young once. And yet, we still have our part to play in this world. 

They drove away that morning, and my heart was calm...

Standing under the elms, a wave of emotion was perceived: I longed for them to remain in that place in my heart where I could watch over them, completely, if just for one more day, hour, or even moment. 

“Stay forever...” 

And then, they drove away, smiling, onto the road to the North. 

I just wrote a great post and I lost it by mistake - what a bummer!!!!

This is kind of what my wife is like, in pictures. 

She has natural beauty, like this: 

She is complex, deep and mysterious, like this: 

She is sensitive, like this” 

She is fun-loving, like this” 

she is intelligent and kind, like this: 

She gets in bad moods, worse than this: 

She is thoughtful and spiritual, very much like this:

She is friendly and wholesome, like this: 

When I began this thread, I was trying to navigate the minefield around my wife’s attitude about my snoring. 

I get tired like any other guy. I like to see my beautiful wife in our bed together. I am also proud of our bedroom, one of the nice rooms of the house. The house stayed nice. My wife stayed nice. I stayed nice and fit and was a great provider. We had vacations. But, something changed: I was no longer welcome in bed at night. Why? snoring. 

This started in increments. First, our cat started to invade our bed. He would jump up and disturb us, but my wife always would say: “hello sweetie, come on up?” I was saying, in my thought bubble: “whaaat?!?!?!” Get him outta here!” She knew what I was thinking - one of her powers is to read my mind. She rebuked me with stern eyes, pursed lips, and a frown. “He is so sweet, and I love him.” Then, she would cuddle with him in her arms in the same way she would cuddle with me before we had kids. 

Look - this is kind of what our bedroom looked like in those days: 

I had to settle for this: 

OK, this guy is from some TV show, getting paid to play-act like he was tired. For me this was real. I was getting booted. I would go to sleep on the couch with a little pillow.  

I will have to calm down before I can write more....(to be continued)

You might be wondering what the h*** “Kobi’s Windshield” means anyway. So here is the explanation in [5] steps: 

1) A man is like a car

2)  A marriage is like a man and woman in a car

3) The windshield is the protective stuff inside your heart and mind that protects the marriage. 

4) The bugs that smash on the windshield represent the irritations that occur in every marriage. 

5) Kobi’s Windshield is the story the bugs of the that smash on the windshield of my relationship. By writing about these things, I clean my windshield. When I write about them, they into hearts, just like the banner daughter # 3 designed for this Tumblr blog. Now you know.  

Thank God my daughters tipped me off: my wife has a Pinterest board called “Men with Cats.” I confronted her about this, and I expected her to act ashamed, or “caught in the act.’ Instead, she started laughing. 

This is a sore spot for me, a really big one. First of all, I don’t really like cats as much as she does. When she see at cat on the sidewalk, no matter how scuffy or ferile, she says in her sweetest voice: “hello baby!” 

She loves cats, but seems to just LIKE me. 

Examples: When our 24 male cat was alive (and I was sad to see his passing after 3 strokes at the age of 16) he was starting to take over my territory without remorse. Once, I came upstairs, and I knew my wife was nestled into our love bed. In that room I had installed a Zoffany wallpaper on the walls that only the rich and famous could afford. I made sure we had a quality carpet on the floor, the bed was beautiful Arts and Crafts style. As I approached the bed, there, on my side of the bed, with covers over the lower half of his body, with his head and shoulders supported by MY pillow, was our male cat. His expression, or lack of expression, implied: “she is mine.”

He has been gone for a year, and she keeps talking about getting a new cat. O, I cannot count the nuber of times I have driver her to Pet Smart to see the new feline candidates of adoption. I am ok with that, I want her to be happy and fulfilled. I am trying to be gracious because I have made her miserable in the past (look for posts about this in future). But now, there is a new wrinkle: she is gathering pics of men with cats for her Pinterest board. I am not sure how to handle this....(to be continued)