ShitStick

there is something so indescribable about the way all lives meld

we are all connected somehow

there is always a path back to the beginning

held together as a whole

like a quilt, sown together

my PIN is the same as my dads

which is the last four digits of the phone number to his childhood home

when i call my grandparents house

and speak to only my papa who is left

i am reminded of him

my life is the compilation of all the people i have taken the time to know

i used to have a boyfriend who refused to take any medication when sick

im still not sure why

when i asked, he just said he didn’t like the idea of it

idea of what?

giving in?

giving up?

was he too proud?

did he want to feel the pain?

remain in the moment?

maybe this is why he never texted me back

he did not want to admit the moment was hurting him

too proud to admit his wrong doings

did not want to give in to me

did not want to give up his pain

maybe he’s still in the moment

when you left i realised i didn’t believe in something bigger

before now i had held out hope,

i was looking for signs and waiting to be enlightened.

but now i’m certain

it’s like the door to curiosity has closed,

my mother loves me

i know she does because she tells me

i know she does because she shows me

my mother speaks to me in frustrated tones

she is frustrated that i do not know everything that she needed to know at my age

i know she loves me

my mother tells me she is disappointed with me

she is disappointed that my eyes are hers and my words ring home

i know she loves me

my mother will argue with me that i am not allowing myself more time

today we are yelling about rentals

she is scared

she will argue that i am not doing everything she did not get to do

we are screaming at each other

she is scared

she is not getting her point across with raised voices

we don’t lower them

later she will listen to news broadcasters discussing the rental market

loud enough so that i can listen too

she will not tell me to listen

she knows i listen when the advice is not coming from her

i know mother

i am listening